Gordon Brown Sends Sarah To Arrest Sharon Osbourne

AS Alistair Darling places UK Plc under a tarpaulin cover – closed until further notice – the Daily Mail spots Sarah Brown on a debt-collecting mission to LA.

“Tax the rich!” says the clarion call. And if those rich Britons and ex-pats won’t come to Blighty, Sarah Brown will go and fetch them.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Labour’s NEC Rejects Derek Draper And LabourList

DEREK Draper is on his way out. The LabourList blog is now so currupted it’s not even used by members of the Labour Praty for Labour news. As Guido notes, Labour talks to Ian Dale, the Tory blogger:

Labour’s general-secretary Ray Collins has thrown him overboard already.  In an NEC announcement leaked to Iain Dale, rather than LabourList, the entertainment provided by Derek was brought to an end.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Revealed: The Emails That Did For ‘Brilliant’ Damian McBride

ANORAK has seen the emails telling of a Damian McBride’s plot to smear the Tories.

The damning verdict on Damian McBride is that the papers that lead with news of his departure refer to him not by name – “Key Brown side” (Observer; Sunday Times), “Attack Dog” (Mail) and “Key Brown advisor”.

The name is Damian McBride. And now he’s gone, we know who he is. The BBC publishes McBride’s resignation statement in full:

“I am shocked and appalled that, however they were obtained, these e-mails have been put into the public domain by Paul Staines.”

Anorak readers are well-versed in such apologies. And here McBride is quickly establishing a sympathetic background story.

When Derek Draper originally suggested using a website to compete with the kind of material seen regularly on the Guido Fawkes blog, he asked me in a personal capacity to write up some of the stories doing the rounds in Westminster.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (13)

Police Link Obama To 321 Crimes

FOLLOWING news that Gordon Brown cannot tie a tie, news that he is not all that good at shaking hands, either.

Barack Obama and Gordon Brown walk into 10 Downing Street, where the US leader shakes the policeman’s hand, but Mr Brown declines the offer.

Of course, the copper is uncertain if Brown is the Prime Ministers – well, no-one voted for him – and he might just be a passer by on his way home from work or a protestor set to launch a vicious assault on the pavement.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Osama bin Laden Mistaken At Airport For Russell Brand

AT Manchester airport, face-recognition machines are in operation.

The Telegraph has seen an internal email:

“Update on the calibration – the facial recognition booths are letting passengers through at 30%. Changes appear to have been made without any explanation [or] giving anyone a reason for the machines [creating] what is in effect a 70% error rate.

“[The fact that] the machines do not operate at 100% is unacceptable. In addition it would be interesting to know why the acceptance level has been allowed to decrease.”

Anorak

Posted: 6th, April 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment

Even Guardian Now Mocks Obama

HOW can we satirise Barack Obama? It’s easy – so easy even the Guardian is doing it. John Crace:

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2009 | In: Politicians | Comments (2)

Queen ‘Tongues’ Michelle Obama

HER Majesty the Queen and Michelle Obama have come together – it being what Jade would have wanted.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Obama And Brown: A Love Story In Pictures, With Anal Poisoning

BARACK Obama and Gordon Brown – but it is love? Dear Deirdre…

In a blaze of dazzling light from above, disciples witness the First Coming of Obama – The Times

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Full Text Of Daniel Hannan’s Speech To Gordon Brown

DANIEL Hannan on the internet – which has made him a star:

The internet has changed politics – changed it utterly and forever. Twenty-four hours ago, I made a three-minute speech in the European Parliament, aimed at Gordon Brown. I tipped off the BBC and some of the newspaper correspondents but, unsurprisingly, they ignored me: I am, after all, simply a backbench MEP. When I woke up this morning, my phone was clogged with texts, my email inbox with messages. Overnight, the YouTube clip of my remarks had attracted over 36,000 hits. By today, it was the most watched video in Britain.

How did it happen, in the absence of any media coverage? The answer is that political reporters no longer get to decide what’s news.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2009 | In: Politicians | Comments (3)

Barack Obama Salutes President Chirac Of France

HAVING given Gordon Brown a congressional DVD library of unwatchable films, and smoked a pipe of peace for North Korea’s Mr Kim,  President Obama writes minute-man Jacques Chirac saying that he is looking forward to working with the former French president in the coming four years(?)

And why? Gateway Pundit knows:

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, March 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Obama’s DVDs Don’t Work On Brown’s Player

BARACK Obama gives Gordon Brown a 25-stong DVD collection, a library, if you will. One day Obama hopes to lend his name to a big congressional DVD library. Gordon hopes to have a part as an extra in Obama: The Movie (over 18s version (starring sexy Michelle Obama)- and/or with subtitles).

We catch up with Gordon as he turns off Ben 10 and places Psycho in the player:

Anorak

Posted: 19th, March 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment (1)

Obama’s Teleprompter Higher Approval Rating Then Obama

THEY say the best way to reach Barack Obama is via his telepromter., which is enjoying a two point approval raing highter than Obama.

Tim Blair wonders if we’ve heard the one about the President, an Irishman, and a teleprompter?

Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen was just a few paragraphs into an address at a St. Patrick’s Day celebration at the White House when he realized something sounded way too familiar. Turns out, he was repeating the speech President Barack Obama had just given …

Repeat. Recite. And commit to memory. We are all Obamas now:

Cowen was 20 seconds into his second address when it dawned on him that he was giving word for word the speech that Obama had just read from the same teleprompter.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, March 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Gordon Brown Praises Iran’s Work On Climate Change

GREAT news that Iran will use its nuclear power to combat climate change, says Gordon Brown.

Iran will be looking to change the climate over Israel, Lebanon and Iraq. On the BBC:

Gordon Brown will challenge Iran to join a new international effort to combat climate change by expanding peaceful nuclear energy. But Iran must also agree to stringent UN controls to ensure it does not develop nuclear weapons, or it will face tougher sanctions. Defence Secretary John Hutton explains why the prime minister is “engaging” with Iran.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment (1)

Jade Goody’s Last Words

JADE Goody celebrity cancer: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Jade Goody’s celebrity cancer with the Last Rites Video, no Shilpa Shetty and the last words…

The Sun: “JADE: Don’t let my sons see me die”

Turn off the telly. Stop the cameras. Hide the control for the Sky Plus.

The Sun: “Dying Jade: ‘I Hope I Gave You A Laugh’”

The Sun: “Jade’s last look at sunny fields”

JADE Goody was propped up in bed yesterday — to catch one last glimpse of the sun-kissed fields before she dies.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (45)

Ashley Cole Tops List Of Britain’s 20 Most Hated People

THE results are in and Ashley Cole – Mr Cheryl Cole – is Britain’s most hated person.

The list is for the 20 Most Hated Celebrities, but we are all celebs now, negating the need for any distinction between celebs and people.

News of Cole’s victory gives us no pleasure and any idea that Old Mr Anorak is inviting staff to pump the air in celebration and dance until giddy is far from the point.

In an online poll, Ashley scored 15 per cent of the votes.

Hating is a great fun, but it does mean that you have to research the subject you hate. Old Mr Anoak’s shelves are heavy with books on Anthea Turner, Cherie Blair, Nazis of the Third Reich, Spurs: 1980-1989, people who sigh a lot and the Swiss police.

BRITAIN’S MOST HATED

1. Ashley Cole – 15 per cent

Anorak

Posted: 10th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Barack Obama Pulls Brad Pitt; Brown Settles For Gail Trimble

Barack Obama Pulls Brad Pitt; Brown Settles For Gail Trimble.

IAIN Martin tells Telegraph readers:

President Obama has been rudeness personified towards Britain this week. His handling of the visit of the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to Washington was appalling. First Brown wasn’t granted a press conference with flags, then one was hastily arranged in the Oval office after the Brits had to beg.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, March 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment (1)

Gordon Brown Goes To Washington: Beyonce Models For Obama’s Scouts

GORDON Brown is meeting his star pupil in Washington and Barack Obama is all ears, literally.

Here’s First Lady Michelle Obama telling Beyonce Knowles that the singer is an inspiration to Malia and Sacha. Beyonce is a “role model”.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, March 2009 | In: Politicians | Comments (2)

Gordon Brown Stood Up As Boy Scouts of America Prepare For War

GORDON Brown has gone to Washington in a boat. He’s there to meet Barack Obama, his star pupil. But what’s this?

Downing Street was left scrambling to avoid a diplomatic embarrassment today after the White House ruled out a formal press conference to mark Gordon Brown’s first formal meeting with Barack Obama. Officials denied the Prime Minister was being snubbed after it emerged that the new president would not make himself available for the traditional joint appearance before the White House media.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, March 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment

Gordon Brown’s Churchill Slave Gift To Obama And Bush’s Booty: Update

GORDON Brown’s in Washington to instruct Barack Obama in the ways of the prudent world, featuring key modules in spotting good debt from bad debt, blaming the bankers and anything else before Mr Obama has to leave to attend to important matter like his office air conditioning.

Benedict Brogan is off, too:

Lots of attention is being paid to what the PM will give Barack Obama, ever since he sent the bust of Churchill back to the British embassy. He’s getting a hamper of gifts, in the hope that something will be worth putting on display in the Oval Office. To go with the Resolute desk there’s a pencil holder made of timber from HMS Gannet, along with the framed commission of HMS Resolute which the First Sea Lord found kicking around the Admiralty. No10 says Gannet and Resolute were sister ships. Gannet served briefly in the Med on anti-slavery patrol. But I wonder what Mr Obama will make of the fact that the only action it saw was in Sudan when it shelled rebels against the British empire.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, March 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)

Gordon Brown Says Jade Goody Can Consummate Marriage With Jack

THE Ministry of Justice has ruled that Jade Goody’s fiance Jack Tweed must have his curfew conditions relaxed to allow him to spend his wedding night with her.

Big Brother is watching. Big Brother says Jade must be treated well. Big Brother is suckling at the celebrity nipple.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Gordon Brown Waits For Barack Obama To Call, And Waits

AS Davos and world’s other leaders convene to thank Gordon Brown for saving the planet, Tony Blair met with Barack Obama in Washington. We go live to an apartment in No. 10 Downing Street:

Ring.

Ring.

Ring!

Anorak

Posted: 6th, February 2009 | In: Photojournalism, Politicians | Comment

Peter Mandelson Is Anti-Christ: Union Flag Upside Down

BARACK Obama is the anti-Christ. Peter Mandelson is the anti-Christ. Would the real anti-Christ please make himself known…

To the top table, where Gordon Brown is wooing Chinese premier Wen Jiabao. Also there is Trade Secretary Lord Mandelson.

And the union flag is upside down.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, February 2009 | In: Politicians | Comments (3)

Do Not Eat The Brown Snow

BROWN. Snow. Don’t eat it:

The economic impact of today’s catastrophic snowfall has been calculated! And according to the Federation of Small Businesses it is…

£1,200,000,000

Which, by unhappy coincidence is just about the size of the government’s small business bailout fund – which clocks in at £1.3bn.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Money | Comment (1)

Gordon Brown Is a Murderous Two Faced C**t

ACCORDING to the Pakistan Daily: “Gordon Brown Is a Murderous Two Faced C*** Brown”. He..

“…is appeasing domestic horror at the Israeli massacre in Gaza by calling for a ceasefire. Meanwhile British diplomats on the United Nations Security Council are under direct instructions to offer “tacit support” to United States’ efforts to block a ceasefire.

What was that first part again?

Anorak

Posted: 19th, January 2009 | In: Politicians | Comments (10)

Gordon Brown Approves Two-For-One Cashpoint Offer

TO the Welshpool branch of Sainsbury’s at speed as new reaches us of the cash machine giveaway. Key in £100 and receive £200. It’s the two-for-one offer you can really understand.

And the best bit is that the receipt was always for the lower amount.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, January 2009 | In: Money | Comment (1)