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Posts Tagged ‘Gwyneth Paltrow’

Tabloid caption of the day: Chris Martin ‘craves pancakes’

Uncoupled former Mr Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin, appears topless in the Daily Mail. Like no-one we’ve ever met, the Mail wonders why Chris – 38, rich, lots of free time, pop star – is not fat and pictured eating an Iceland ready-meal. The Mail reports that that Chris doesn’t eat food on one day every week. He does eat Iceland frozen desserts – by the truckload – but only for six days each week. On the 7th day, the rock god rests. But the best bit about this story is how the Mail describes Martin, the internationally acclaimed musician.

 

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“Craves pancakes: Chris Martin, 38”

 

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Stupendous.

Posted: 21st, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Gwyneth Paltrow Shouts At Rice And Urinates On Hilary Clinton’s Happy Teddy: The Greatest Celebrity News Story Of All Time

THIS might be the greatest celebrity news story of all time:

 

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It is not a work of parody, unless Paltrow is, for she wrote on her blog:

“I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter. I have long had Dr Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it.”

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Posted: 9th, June 2014 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin ‘Consciously Uncouple’ Their Caravan Of Love – World Rolls Eyes

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AND so it came to pass that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are no longer together. She made the announcement on her website Goop. They have not split up. They have had a “conscious uncoupling”. They are like two parts of an inter-city train that has run its course. He heads into the Pumpkin cafe on Reading Station to eat a burger and crisps. She gets her pipes ABS system flushed with coconut water.

Or maybe they are a car uncoupling from a caravan: he the five-year-old Volvo estate; she the plumbed-in yurt.

The message reads:

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,


Gwyneth & Chris

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Posted: 25th, March 2014 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Gwyneth Paltrow: my son Moses Martin is a genius

World Premiere of Marvels Iron Man 3 - Arrivals

GWYNETH Paltrow’s son Moses Martin is mega talented. She says his teacher praised the “spontaneous”,”actually brilliant” rap he performed for her birthday.

Moses supposes his farts smell of roses.

Moses supposes erroneously…

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Posted: 25th, April 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


And the winner of the most memorable Oscar speech of all time is…

LIGHTS, cameras… Cue wailing and gnashing of teeth… Yes, it’s Oscars time again, and that means Oscar speeches.

Rebecca Rolfe, of the Georgia Institute of Technology has been analyzing these excruciating exercises in emoting, and says that the average length of an acceptance speech was 44 seconds for men and 39 seconds for women in the 1960s. Now it is 1 minute and 57 seconds for men and 1 minute 56 seconds for women. Interestingly, 71 per cent of the tears have come since 1995.

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Posted: 24th, February 2013 | In: Film, Flashback | Comment


The Voice singer Ruth Brown is a flat as Gwyneth Paltrow’s chest, say trolls

RUTH Brown, star of BBC’s The Voice, has been targeted by “internet tolls”. The Daily Mail is upset. In the paper’s article, we hear Ruth Brown say she has had to put up with “sickening” comments about being black and her weight. With the Mail on her side, Ruth Brown cannot fail to beat the trolls.

Yes indeed, readers. The Daily Mail has seen the light. It was only few days ago that the Mail spotted Kate Bush winning a South Bank Arts award for her album 50 Words For Snow. It noted that her “waiflike” looks had “gone”. It quoted the words of an unamed “American interviewer” that the singer was “more like a soccer mom than a Brontë character come to life”.

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Posted: 7th, May 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Gwyneth Paltrow sees Holy Mother and God in Blue Ivy Carter

GWYNETH Paltrow has gazed upon Blue Ivy Carter and told Hollywood Life that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s daughter is going to be a nurse on a NHS ward in Oldham:

“She is going to be an entertainer. She just has this glow around her like her mother. She’s stunning. She has the most beautiful eyes. Beyonce is doing great. She’s just a natural at being a mom.”

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Posted: 28th, February 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Take It Easy On That Goop It’ll Give You And Gwyneth Paltrow Nightmares

TAKE it easy on that Goop – it’ll give you and Gwyneth Paltrow nightmares.

Posted: 1st, October 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Daily Mail Photoshops Samantha Cameron Next To Gwyneth Paltrow At Vogue Fashion Do

LIES in the Daily Mail are well documented – but does the paper really think Samantha Cameron so very useless and unpopular that she needs the papers technical fakers to photoshop her stood next to Gwyneth Paltrow at Vogue’s Fashion’s Night Out?

Anorak has access to the Press Association’s images and cannot find the photo the Mail uses of SamCam and Paltrow together. Still, the Mail has. It captions the image:

Elegant: Samantha Cameron and Gwyneth Paltrow opted for classic looks at Vogue’s Fashion Night Out on New Bond Street last night.

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Posted: 9th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


How Gwyneth Paltrow Foiled The 7/11 Bombers – A True Life Sliding Doors Tale

JUST as Anorak was thinking how it could make Gwyneth Paltow appreciate herself more – and we were coming up short – a woman called Lara Lundstrom tells The Morton Report that on September 11, 2001, Gwynnie saved her life.

“It was one of those mornings that felt good, you had a little skip in your step. What the heck – I always cut across 7th Avenue. Then all of the sudden a silver Mercedes SUV came barreling down towards me. I stopped and they screeched to a halt. Then it developed in to one of those classic who-goes-first situations. It got ridiculous. Then I made eye contact with the Mercedes driver. OMG it was Gwyneth Paltrow.”

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Posted: 18th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Gwyneth Paltrow Reveals The Best Place To Smack Your Head Into A Wall In Paris

GWYNETH Paltrow continues her drive to let you know how great her life is in Elle magazine.

An idea as to what readers are in for comes in a preamble:

“She walks into a room and there’s this ray of light, this energy,” says actor Matthew Morrison of his sometime Glee costar Gwyneth Paltrow. “She brings sunshine everywhere she goes.” This month, that inimitable radiance offered a perfect counterpoint to the season’s most dramatic pieces during our shoot…

Anyone want to risk eating?

Over a lunchtime feast provided by caterer Melrose & Morgan—chicken, fish cakes, rice, beans, guacamole, and salsa… She and fellow foodie Smith bonded over recipe ideas, with Paltrow dispensing an enviable kitchen secret: Turns out, she doesn’t measure her ingredients; she prefers whipping up her concoctions with a pinch of this and a little of that, all by instinct….

Ready? Ok… Here goes!

On getting support from Beyoncé on her surprise duet with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys:

“This story always makes me cry…It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé !”

On the advice Beyoncé gave her before her performance:

“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

Be like an Indian might be if they were dancing like your mum at a Jewish wedding.

On creating a solo album:

“Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go…in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

Anyone get the impression that she knows Beyonce Z and her husband Jay?

On deciding to launch GOOP:

“When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

Where do I have a mental breakdown? Where do I get to scream into paper bag? Where do I get to to me meeeeee?

On going public with her personal care regimens:

“It’s so much easier to sit home and not exercise and criticize other people. What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”

What people? We want names!

On showing the world a different side of herself:

“If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

Her friends who grew up in her gilded lifestyle think she is the dirtiest person they know? They probably thinks she’s the poorest person they know, the one with the worst teeth and the person most likely to toss caution to the wind and tell the nanny to boil and egg without first measuring the water depth in the saucepan.

On choosing not to go to her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin for advice on music:

“[He’s] a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”

On keeping her marriage out of the spotlight:

“He makes music for his fans, and he doesn’t want people to conjure a lame famous couple when they’re getting into his music. I get it.”

A lamous couple. Call, me Gwyneth – I have a small brick wall in Paris with your name on it…

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Gwyneth Paltrow as she appears in Louis Vuitton jewellery for Vanity Fair on Jewellery, a special issue that comes out with the August issue of Vanity Fair. Vanity Fair on Jewellery hits newsstands with the August issue of Vanity Fair on Friday, July 1st.

Posted: 4th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Gwyneth Paltrow Destroy’s Apple’s Planet In Steven Speilberg’s Massive Yacht

IN 2004, Gwyneth Paltrow feared for the future of Apple and Apple’s planet:

“I worry about all the mercury that’s being dumped into the lakes and the oceans, and the ozone layer depleting, and forests being chopped down to find more oil. I mean, I really worry about the state of the planet and I wish that the government would make a concerted effort not to trash it. And I just wonder what the Earth will be like when Apple is a grandmother. I really worry about that.”

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Posted: 28th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Gwyneth Paltrow Says Marriage ‘Isn’t Perfect’ While Pointing At Stupid Chris Martin

SURPRISE! Being married to Coldplay’s Chris Martin isn’t all its cracked up to be! For starters, just imagine him walking around the house singing to himself. You’d either cut your ears off with pinking shears or take a screwdriver to this throat.

Of course, it isn’t that one-sided. Imagine the horror of having to deal with Gwyneth Paltrow crying every time she accepts absolutely anything from anyone, welling up and preparing teary speeches when offered a brew or whatever.

And so, it isn’t a surprise that Gwyneth says her marriage to Chris Martin isn’t as wonderful as wonderful can be, saying “it’s not perfect”.

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Posted: 5th, July 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Face Of The Day: Gwyneth Paltrow Snaps At Glastonbury (Photos)

AT the Glastonbury Festival 2011, in the pit before Beyonce Knowles’ stilted feet, Anorak’s Ninja snapper Yui Mok was spotted by Gwyneth Paltrow. She snapped. If she wants to show us the photo, we’re ready…

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Posted: 27th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Trying To Swallow Gwyneth Paltrow At The Chelsea Flower Show

GWYNETH Paltrow has been at the Chelsea Flower Show. We spotted her in the B&Q Garden – “the tallest edible garden at the Chelsea Flower Show!” The garden focuses on “growing your own” food and contains the tallest structure ever at Chelsea – a glass tower block-like building complete with window boxes full of vegetables. Eat it and weep, foodies.

Gwynnie is the ubiquitous UK-adopted star? As she reportedly said:

“I love the English lifestyle, it’s not as capitalistic as America. People don’t talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner.

“I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans.”

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Posted: 23rd, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


There’s Nothing Cynical About JLS Wanting To Collaborate With Gwyneth Paltrow

BACKFLIPPING saccharine irritants and tepid pop dispensers, JLS, want to collaborate with Gwyneth Paltrow. Why? It might have something to do with the fact that she’s very famous, recently decided to become a singer, appeared warbling on an award ceremony with Cee Lo Green, married to insipid Coldplayer Chris Martin and is the talk of Tinseltown thanks to an appearance on TV smash, Glee.

Nothing cynical about that then.

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Posted: 11th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Glee’s Ryan Murphy Apologises For World’s Wettest Feud With Kings Of Leon

UNBELIEVABLY there’s been bad blood between Glee creator Ryan Murphy and Kings of Leon. A feud ensued between the two, looking for all the world like a battle royale involving butterflies and sleeping voles.

So pathetic was this feud that Gwyneth Paltrow was the mediator. Imagine a world where the wife of Chris Martin is an adequate referee between sparring foes. Imagine that, all toothless with a spine made from runny jelly.

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Posted: 5th, April 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment


Gwyneth Paltrow Conquers Nashville With Woody Allen: Quote Of The Day

QUOTE of the day is bestowed upon us by Gwyneth Paltrow, whose website GOOP is there to make us feel even worse about our own  impoverished lives:

“I was in Italy once, and this old man came up to me and said, ‘I had the best time in Nashville because of Goop'”

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Posted: 4th, February 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Gwyneth Paltrow’s Casting Couch Sex Is Organic

GWYNETH Paltrow knows that your semen is organic and low fat but she will not have oral sex with you to get the part in the film. For starters, she is not that type of girl. For seconds, she knows better. And for thirds, she is Blythe Danner’s daughter and her dad was a director:

She tells Elle, via Huffington Post:

When I was just starting out, someone suggested that we finish a meeting in the bedroom. I left. I was pretty shocked. I could see how someone who didn’t know better might worry, ‘My career will be ruined if I don’t give this guy a blow job!’

Phew!

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Posted: 8th, October 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


In Pictures: Orlando Bloom And Chipmunk’s C-Word Present The 2010 National Movie Awards

BEFORE the pictures from the 2010 National Movie Awards at the Royal Festival Hall, London, a look at Orlando Bloom (the beard!) Konnie Huq (she made it earlier), Tom Cruise (hair by…) and Gwyneth Paltrow (leathered) and Chipmunk, worker of the hardest working hands in showbiz. Chipmunk’s hands are talented but he seems to be going for the arthritis gig, or is it cancer, as he contorts his hand into a big “C”. The betting at Anorak is that Chipmunk’s hands are not stuck like this but an attempt by him to create a new hand gesture. This is no easy thing, but top marks to chip for trying. Anorak expects to see the “C” replace the Kenko roast w*nk shake at football matches…

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Tom Cruise arriving for the 2010 National Movie Awards at the Royal Festival Hall, London.

Posted: 26th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Anti-Fur Gwyneth Paltrow At Furry Louis Vuitton’s New London Shop Opening

WE spotted Gwyneth Paltrow attending the opening of the new Louis Vuitton store on New Bond Street, London. Paltrow does not wear fur. LV loves fur. Remember when Paltrow wore fur for Tod’s and then apologised to Peta:

“That was awkward, and I’m glad you asked, because I do not wear fur at all.”

Apart from when…

Peta’s Sexiest Ads (NSFW)

It was a day-long photo shoot on a boat near Capri, and there were all sorts of poses behind and draped a stole around my shoulder. I didn’t pay much attention to it and when I noticed it was fur, I assumed it was fake fur, but did not ask, so it’s my fault. I was very surprised when they ended up using that one shot out of hundreds for the centerpiece of the Tod’s ads. I know it’s not a great excuse, but I hope you and your members understand.”

Here’s Paltrow at LV. And here’s a gallery of LV’s fur range

The leather shoes are her own.

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Gwyneth Paltrow attends the opening of the new Louis Vuitton store on New Bond Street, London. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Tuesday May 25, 2010. See PA story SHOWBIZ Vuitton. Photo credit should read: Anthony Devlin/PA Wire

Posted: 25th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Gwyneth Paltrow Raises The Bar And The Fence Around Chris Martin’s Home

7745451CHRIS Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow are reported to have petitioned Camden Council for permission to construct a 10ft high fence around their big Belsize Park home.

Time to review a few of her bon mots:

* I`m very happy here [in London] and I really like the way the film industry works, everybody cares. I like that it doesn`t have this big capitalistic feeling…

* I like my friends here in London. They’re intelligent and not looking over my shoulder at dinner to see if there’s anyone better walking in. It’s not as vapid as LA.

* I love the English way, which is not as capitalistic as it is in America. People don’t talk about work and money; they talk about interesting things at dinner parties. I like living here because I don’t tap into the bad side of American psychology, which is ‘I’m not achieving enough, I’m not making enough, I’m not at the top of the pile.’

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Posted: 19th, January 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Gwyneth Paltrow’s Layman’s Guide To Money

paltrowTHURSDAY is GOOP day, the communique from Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog on how to live life your life as well as Gwyneth Paltrow lives hers.

You may suppose that to live like Gwyneth Paltrow, you need to earn like Gwyneth Paltrow. And you’d be right. But now Gwyneth has heard the clamour, spotted the lack of economic experience in the world just now, and duly delivered her guide to money.

With Gwyneth’s advice you too can afford an Hermes Womens Cape Cod Watch ($1,850).

Here’s a collection of thoughts on the topic of investing from two bankers, a money coach and an accountant. Some illuminating concepts, histories and practical advice for the layman in these uncertain times.

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Posted: 1st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Gwyneth Paltrow Puts Her Body On Gas Mark 7

GWYNETH Paltrow says on her GOOP website:

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Meanwhile, here’s the “classic” Gwyneth wore out just a couple of evenings ago to the annual bacofoil AGM.

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Posted: 31st, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Gwyneth Paltrow Notices Sophia Coppola Is A Woman

GWYNETH Paltrow writes on his GOOP blog on Sophia Coppola:

Spotter: D-Listed

Posted: 13th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


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