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Posts Tagged ‘heat’

ColdPlay reduce 5ive’s Ritchie Neville to ham and pineapple tears

5IVE the boyband-turned-tricky-age-band are reunited. They’ve been taling to heat magazine:

heat: “Do you need the money?”

Ritchie Neville: “The money’s good, but it’s not like I need it. More than anything, it’s unfinished business.”

Sean Conlon: “You want to be back on the big stage.”

RN: “I broke down in tears when a Coldplay song came on in Pizza Express. I broke down in tears because I wasn’t doing music any more.”

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Posted: 1st, February 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment

X Factor: How to Date Olly Murs, Hate Danyl Johnson And Daniel Lloyd Gets Wood

img004ALL the UK mags want to be home of the X Factor, to become the official organ that fans will reach for to read about their fave show’s wannabes, stars and judges. This week’s Heat mag, makes its play, leading with “JEDMANIA”, a tribute to John and Edward Grimes, the X Factor’s answer to America Idol’s Sanjaya Malakar.

For those of you not au fait with Mr Malakar, he was the non-singing, non dancing performer whose hair styles and uselessness kept him on the show week after week. He only failed when all the other acts copied his moves and style and he ended up looking cocky.

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Posted: 3rd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Heat | Comment (1)

Katie Price Answers heat Readers’ Questions, Literally

6111002HAVING seen the Heat video, in which Katie Price tells of going bald in The Priory, the woman who found fame as Mrs Peter Andre answers Heat readers’ questions.

Heat refers to Katie as Jordan/Kate struggling to see past the marketing scam that pits Katie Price (mother) against Jordan (slapper). Any differences become further blurred when Katie lifts up her dress to show off her knickers.

Katie is ready now to answer questions with her fearless candour – “And she’s ready to answer literally anything.

Lucy Archibold: How long after meeting Alex Reid did you sleep with him?
KP: That’s my business and no on else’s.

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Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Heat | Comment (1)

‘Bald’ Katie Price Is ‘Down, Depressed And In The Priory Too’

KATIE Price Is ‘Down, Depressed And In the Priory Too’.

Is this a rare moment of clarity from Our Katie as she makes ready to read a trail for her interview in heat magazine? No, it’s just a joke. Really.

Hey, Peter Andre – there’s a song in this: Inania.

Cue the music:

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Heat | Comment

Kerry Katona Picks Her Nose On A Podium

bi-polarKERRY Katona is in the news. And if it’s not Kerry’s batter, fat and nose making news, it’s her eyes.

Kerry Katona can keep being in the news so long as she doesn’t run out of body parts. Recently, Kerry auctioned off her breast implants, and the thinking is that the monies raised will pay for a new third leg or hair extensions for her back.

As for Kerry’s eyes, Leighton Ogden is telling heat readers all about them. Leighton is billed as a “former friend” of Kerry’s, and Anorak readers will recall his testimony:

Ogden’s first sexual encounter with Kerry had happened four months earlier, shortly after her engagement to Croft—behind a Tesco in Warrington last Valentine’s Day.”

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Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Mr Katie Price, Peter Andre, ‘Never Liked Jordan’

peter-jordanSENTIMENTAL Peter Andre is on the cover of heat magazine, his hair un-gelled, his chest un-oranged and bared, and news that “I NEVER liked Jordan” and that Pete is set to “REVEAL ALL”.

This is Peter the Good, the simpering media antithesis to Katie Price The Bad.

The magazine’s Kay Ribeiro tells us that Katie has given interviews on the telly, talked to a magazine and appeared in “barely-there clothes”; Pete has maintained a “dignified silence” – which you can read about in the News of the World magazine, see on This Morning and feel in his lyrics to his new album.

Now Pete has, er, “finally decided to speak out”.

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Posted: 4th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Big Brother: Kris Donnelly’s Sophie Reade Romance

sophie-reade-kissingIN heat (hate) magazine, Big Brother agonist Kris Donnelly’s best friend says that the watery Russell Brand wannabe’s stroking of Sophie Reade’s arms is “NOT A PROPER RELATIONSHIP”.

Andrew Jones, for it is he, says:

“I think Kris is lonely and likes her company.”

Insightful. Go on:

“I don’t think it’s anything more than that. It’s not a proper relationship. He’s just getting to know her – it’s a holiday romance.”

All very telling stuff. And only added to when Andrew says that Kris does not go for “glamour models”.

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Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kerry Katona Dreams Of Beef Curries

kerry-katona-bumIN “KERRY – TWO STONE IN TWO MONTHS”, heat readers get to experience the Kerry Katona diet, which takes in “scary junk food & booze binges”.

By way of a taster, the larger part of hate’s cover page is covered by Kerry Katon’s bumage, boobage and tumage. Readers can make out the Pooh bear tattoo on her backside, which should do for honey sales what Osama bin Laden did for Afghan package tours.

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Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Sophie Reade Changes Name To “Sophie Loves Cock”

sophie-readeTHAT’S Sophie Reade on the cover of heat magazine. Big Brother Sophie has nicknamed her breasts Mary-Kate and Ashley, in honour of the two shrunken simian Olsen twins.

Now Reade’s breasts have been fed a hearty meal of silicon and gel, been depilated and sprayed with a watertight resin they are no longer holding her back but pressing ever forward, overshadowing all other Big Brother housemates and large parts of Elstree.

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Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Do The Apprentice

walshAMERICA has Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. It even has a spare Jennifer Aniston. In the UK, we have Philip Taylor and Kate Walsh, the wannabe and the might-be who endured weeks on The Apprentice auditioning for a media career.

In Grazia, readers can see Phil taking a break from staring at himself reflected in Kate’s teeth to tell us that he has left the north-east to move in with Kate in London flat.

Says Phil:

“There’s more to me than people think, I’m pretty good looking, I’m smart and I’ve go something about me.”

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Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Big Brother Star Tells Of ‘Affair’ With Married Katie Price

billi-bhattiJORDAN did cheat on Peter with me,” says Big Brother’s Billi.

Heat magazine leads with news of Katie Price and Big Brother star emeritus Billi Bhatti, the male model modelled on Zoolander, who claims that between August 2007 and May 2008 he and Jordan had an “online affair”.

Says Bhatti:

“She was pretty dirty. She sent me a load of images exposing herself, as well as a video.”

Wow! Everyone else has to search online for those. Go on…

Bhatti, we learn, once dated Katie’s younger sister Sophie, “briefly” in December 2007. He says he met Katie in the gadget shop where he worked. Then when he left Big Brother, they met again in London’s Embassy club.

They then emailed each other. They also used MSN and Facebook. Bhatti bought a webcam, maybe using his gadget shop insider knowledge.

Heat says it has seen the messages “in full”. But it probably considers them too dull even for its readers, because Bhatti delivers no evidence of any sexual contact, just a few limp claims:

“She didn’t get fruity that quickly. I’d say it was after Christmas 2007 and early 2008. She’d mess around and flirt. I remember a conversation about Valentine’s Day, and I asked her what she was planning. She was like, ‘Whatever Peteys lined up for me – a threesome, hopefully…”

This and the video – to Heat at least – “prove that Jordan was cheating on her husband months ago”. To Heat it is a “shocking revelation”.

To the rest of us it a story of a failed celebrity talking to a woman who made her fortune getting her Jordans out and dry humping her husband on the telly.

Says Bhatti:

“Jordan and I, at this point, were having an online affair which lasted about nine months.”

Ending when Jordan gave birth to a Nokia 210e.

“I saw her on webcam once, but it didn’t really work. She told me to get one because I didn’t have one and she was like, ‘You don’t see me until I see you.’”

Which, if true, would account for the massive surge in webcam sales ever since Katie started exposing her selection of Jordans.

“So I got one, but she never stayed on it for very long. She would tell me to expose myself. I just thought , ‘It’s OK, she won’t do anything with that.”

Self-deprecation thy name is Bhatti. He goes on:

“She watched me doing that to myself. She was watching me via webcam. She never did anything on webcam for me.”

Having told heat readers that he is a w*****, the magazine delivers the clincher:

“At one point the online conversation the pair were so desperate to send each other saucy snaps that when Billi confessed the batteries were low on his digital camera Jordan suggested taking them from the remote control.”

And pressing fast forward…

Posted: 26th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)

Jennifer Aniston Brings Beckham To Her Senses

heat-magazineSKINNY is over!” announces heat magazine. And to prove how over skinny is, Jennifer Aniston has “put on half a stone”, “Posh bulks up at gym!” and Hello! magazine comes equipped with a bar of KitKat senses.

Unwrap your finger of chocolate, and marvel at how Jennifer Aniston has gained half a stone since she split from John Mayer.

Jens looks a “far cry from the shots we’re used to seeing of her on the beech with her trademark toned tummy and tony waist.”

A “far cry” – or a good cry?

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Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment