Rosie Nixon explains how OK! and Hello! work

AT the Leveson Inquiry, Hello! editor Rosie Nixon explains just how the glossy magazines industry works:

“If somebody doesn’t want us to run something, we don’t run it.”

Ends.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Rosemary Conley’s Delivers A Hello! Magazine Boast Card

SOMETIMES Anorak would like to just transcribe the entire Hello! or OK! magazine interview. Picking out the choices cuts and trying to lampoon the beyond parody is hard yakka. This week, Hello! visits Rosemary Conley at her Leiecestershire pile. It begins:

Walking up to the imposing wooden front door, the peace of the Leicestershire countryside is broken only by the barking of a dog and the cheerful, familiar voice of fitness guru Rosemary Conley as she welcomes Hello!. “No, no, don’t worry at all,” she says as we offer to remove our shoes to protect her cream carpets. “Our dogs don’t their shoes off. And this a house to live in, not a show home.”

Rosemary then says of her 1600s home dressed in ten acres of formal grounds and gardens and 37 acres of agricultural land:

“I couldn’t begin to tell you how many rooms there are. I’ve never counted them.”

Adding:

“But put it this way, I don’t need a gym.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, October 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tamara Ecclestone’s Anti-Socialite Life Of Baths

TAMARA Ecclestone, biscuit-hued, lad’s mag model daughter to Bernie Ecclestone, reclines by an immaculate pool. To her side are two men: one with arms folded as if about to fight you for the yellow sunbed (with actual pillows and sheets); the other with shorts straining against his appreciation of all things Tamara.

Tamara is at the “casino floor” of the Planet Hollywood resort in Las Vegas. Hello! says she “looks like she has the world at her feet“. She does. From Tamara’s top floor vantage point you can see Paris, New York, the Pyramids of Egypt,  Medieval England, a sign pointing to a chlorinated Venice and the statue of Liberty.

Hello! tells us that Tamara is building a dog spa at her £45m London home. It will have a dog bath, leather bunk beds and special dryers. She has just taken delivery of a £1 million crystal bath for her £45million home.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Spice Girl Mel B’s ‘Giggle Birth’ And Crap X Factor News

MELANIE Brown, aka former Spice Girl Mel B, continues her drive to be Melanie Brown, mother, in this week’s Hello!.

Hello! says Mel has gone from “making music to making babies”. One day she will make music for babies and introduce the album Music To Make Babies By, but for now Mel is presenting her “GORGEOUS” news baby Madison.

Madison is Mel’s third daughter, each squired by a different man.

Early on, you get the impression that Hello! is not all that bothered about Mel or her baby. Having couched the descption of said “gorgeous” child in inverted commas, it asks:

You went to Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kris Humphries just days before you delivered. How was that?

Anorak

Posted: 20th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mildred Baena Presents Joseph, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Secret Son He Never Knew (New Photos)

MILDRED  Baena, the woman who while working for Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver, was impregnated by the Sperminator, presents their son Joseph to Hello!.

Joseph is 13. Mildred is 50. She has five children. She worked for the Schwarzenegger family for 20 years. Her mother also worked for them. Her sister still does. Mildred says she is not being paid for the interview.

Here are highlights of her interview:

When told that his dad was Arnie, Joseph replied, “Cool!”

Anorak

Posted: 14th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Joan Collins Advertises Her New York Flat In Hello! – The Expensive Real Estate Mag

JOAN Collins has found a new use for Hello! magazine in these recession-hit times. Joan is using the organ (£2 an issue!) to market her New York home.

Says Joan:

“I’ve got to cut back to three houses.”

Joan is never more at home in her grande dame brand than talking riches with a tongue engorged in her cheek. Joan stands to one side to allows readers to see the room. She adds:

“We had 40 people in this room but it didn’t feel in the slightest bit crowded.”

Anorak

Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cheryl Cole’s Lips Gloss And Go: Pictures

HELLO! magazine meets Cheryl Cole and is told that any talk of Ashley Cole is “off limits”. We would turn off there. But Cheryl has some hairspray to flog. So, we stay to listen to the nation’s sweetheart.

Cheryl says she only remembers the “mean stuff” she reads.

She says you would not want to walk past people in the street saying mean things about your hair. Well, no. But, then, most of us don’t wear hair extensions in a TV advert to sell shampoo with added “mojo”.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, May 2010 | In: Hello! | Comment

Inside Wayne And Coleen Rooney’s Nursery For Kai

IN this week’s Hello! you can read of “Wayne and Coleen’s baby joy”. You can go “inside the new Rooney nursery”. You can read Coleen’s “thoughts on being a mum”.

Might it be that Coleen has gone back on her word not to sell pictures of her baby to the press?

Well, er, no.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, November 2009 | In: Hello! | Comment

Hello!: Samantha Burke Introduces Jude Law’s Daughter Sophia For £185,000

IN this week’s Hello! magazine, Samantha Burke introduces Jude Law’s baby daughter Sophie and tells their “amazing story”.

Prepare to be amazed. Sophia has two eyes. Gasp! Sophia has two legs! Swoon! Sophia was conceived out of wedlock when Jude dated Samantha for a period that may actually be shorter than her 25 hour labour. WowZA!

Sophia weighed in at 5lb 12oz, which in gold and cocaine prices is not bad, but in celebrity prices is diamond, earning mum £185,000, reportedly, for this 14-page photoshoot alone. She tosses the words in for free:

“Her features are more like Jude’s. She has his chin and nose, and she does a little pout that I notice that he’s done before. I think her eyes are more like mine, though.”

Anorak

Posted: 26th, October 2009 | In: Hello!, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Hello Magazine Tuesday: Prince Harry And Chelsy Get Intimate

IN this week’s Hello! magazine, we go on an intimate dinner with Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy, Myleene Klass introduces Baby K and at home with billionaire John Caudwell…

IN a “ROYAL EXCLUSIVE” – Hello! magazine will tell readers “HOW ROMANTIC PRINCE HARRY WON HIS CHELSY BACK”.

At a push, we’d say Harry won her in a tombola, first prize being a year’s supply of Flaming Lobes at the Boujis nightspot.

It turns out that Harry wooed fair-to-platinum maiden with an “intimate dinner for two”. Just Hal, Chels, three waiters, a wine waiter, 5 security guards and a chauffeur waiting for a doggy bag.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, October 2009 | In: Hello!, Key Posts | Comment

Angie Everhart Introduces Baby Kayden And Magic Breasts

IN this week’s Hello!, Angie Everhart has given birth to a son. He’s called Kayden Bobby Everhart and she’d like to introduce us to him, and he to we. Says Angie Everhart:

“Kayden’s hair it brown like his dad’s.”

We look. It is. His hair is brown. Dad isn’t around just now, so we’re to take Angie’s word for his hair being brown, also. To make up for no sign of dad and dad’s hair, we learn that Angie knows Prince Andrew and Prince Albert of Monaco, neither of whom are there. She’s been “linked to” Sly Stallone and Joe Pesci, and they too are not there.

Angie’s mum is there. But before we meet her, Angie wants to relive the pregnancy. So Angie, how did you know you were up the duff?

“My boobs told me!”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jennifer Lopez’s Heart Breaks For Her Missing Children

THIS week in Hello! – Jennifer Lopez’s heart breaks, Donna Karen’s home therapy suite, Alexandra Richards models and Kirsty Gallagher vomits…

Jennifer Lopez At 40

How does it feel?
Jennifer Lopez: “I have to say I feel awesome”

And the twins?

JL: “They’re amazing!… I put Max to bed and said, ‘I love you baby, I’ll see you in the morning.’ I swear he said, very quickly, ‘I love you.’ So I rushed into the nanny and said, ‘Oh, my gosh, did you hear that? He said I love you!’ She agreed, she had heard it too.”

Yeah, he probably tells it to the nanny every time she changes his nappy, plays with him, feeds him, washes him…

JL: “It breaks my heart if I’m away from them even for a short time.”

So don’t go.

JL: “Staying at home with the kids, watching everything they do is awesome. I loved every minute of it.”

As Jen says, having twins is “double the work”. Right nannies?

At Home With Donna Karan

According to Donna Karan: ‘The Hamptons truly is my family…” But Donna has not take after her kin’s clapperboard exterior and dry beaches, opting for an altogether deeper beige and moisturiser.

We join Donna as she sits in a white smock with a painted wax effigy of her self leaning on her arm.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Noel Edmonds Marries His Box Number Three

IN this week’s HELLO! magazine: Noel Edmonds marries Liz Davies via Cosmic Ordering…

“IT’S A DEAL – NOEL EDMONDS marries in intimate Cotswold ceremony”

No, not Mr Blobby. No gay marriage for our Noel, 60, who has instead opted for Box Number 3, Liz Davies, 40.

“Wrapping his arm protectively round his bride, who looked radiant in an oyster satin wedding dress with a crystal-encrusted bodice”, Noel says he has found his “soulmate” at the third marriage of trying.

Liz was delivered to Noel by way of “Cosmic Ordering”, in which much aging TV presenters get to meet young make-up artists via the magic of a TV studio.

Cosmic ordering “embraces making your dearest wishes known to the cosmos, and then trusting them to come true.” Says a guest: “He put in an order to find the love of his life – and months later she appeared.”

Noel also ordered a white embroidered bishops gown and mitre for himself and the females guests were “all dressed as brides.”

Noel then killed a goat and smeared the blood on… Only joking, Noel. That wish has only just been posted to the Cosmos. It was a lovely do, taking in Noel playing back the film of him proposing to Liz, the one he took on his cosmic camera phone.

“All the guests went through every emotion during the reception,” says a “friend”.

There was delight, rage, anger, hatred, loathing, happiness, silliness, merriment, lust, disgust, awe, disappointment, sympathy and finally relief…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Staff Thought Michael Jackson Playing Dead As He Lay Dying

MICHAEL Jackson Watch:  Michael Jackson was thought to be playing dead as he lay dying…

IT’S a big GOODBYE! from HELLO! which bids “FARWELL TO THE KING OF POP”, a man who lived his life in capital letters.

A “friend” tells Hello! that:

“The night before he died he was exhausted but spent the last hours playing with his kids. He went to bed but could not sleep, tossing and turning with great anxiety.”

Well, you’d be anxious if an unnamed “friend” was watching you trying to get to sleep.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Most Controversial Michael Jackson Pictures

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: HELLO! magazine leads once more with pictures of Michael Jackson. These are “UNSEEN PICTURES”.

It would always take something special to make the lead Jackson narrative something other then the abuse allegations and the mobile face, and thanks to his dying the media has some new threads to tug on and unravel and tie in a knot.

Hello! lists them all on its cover:

“DEBBIE’S CUSTODY FIGHT”

“THE FAMILY FEUDS”

“THE LAST PERFORMANCE”

“THE WILL AND FUNERAL”

All good stuff for the media to sink its teeth into. But can any of these achieve a legacy that will surpass the Jackson controversies to date?

Lest the story move on, Anorak takes a look a nostalgic look Most Controversial Jackson Pictures (so far):

Anorak

Posted: 25th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Photojournalism | Comments (79)

An Invitation To Join Joe Cole As He Marries Carly Zucker

OK! invites its readers to a Joe Cole and Carly Zucker wedding “special”.

In “Joe Cole scores”, readers can see Cole (smart light grey FA Cup Final-type suit) stood behind Carly Zucker (plain white dress), herself stood behind John Terry, the England captain clad in a sunset yellow suit with what appears to be a bouquet of white roses growing from behind his right eat. In front of John Terry – facing him – is his wife, Toni Terry, dressed in the contents of King Midas’s bottom drawer, the stuff he reserved for when he wanted to dazzle.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Remember Diana And Dodi

BRAD Pitt & Angelina Jolie are over. Finished. Zip. Gone.

The National Enquirer has the news that it had last week, and for many weeks before that. One day the news will bear fruit and Pitt and Jolie will be disunited – unless they should perish beneath a mountain of children at the same moment, in which case they will go on being united for ever, a kind of Dodi and Diana, with better hair and teeth.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

In A Field With Charlotte Church’s Puppies

HELLO! is in a field in Wales with Charlotte Church and her lover Gavin Henson. And it finds reason, nay, inspiration, to opine:

“It was an idyllic family scene. They looked very much together and very content with their own company.”

Just Charlotte, Gavin, baby Dexter, toddler Ruby, the photographer…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Barbra Streisand Destroys Hello! Magazine

TIME for our annual look at Barbra Streisand, and we learn finished building her dream house and has written bout in a book called “A Passion for Design“.

So long Hello! magazine with your inside peeks around the great and good massive piles – this week’s boast card is from Philip Zepter, a Serbian billionaire with a house so shiny the owner can see his face in it and a wife who looks like she married him before he made it big.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Brad And Angelina Jolie In Headlock Drama

HELLO! magazine has a question for its readers: “BRAD AND ANGELINA – DOES THIS COUPLE LOOK LIKE A COUPLE IN CRISIS?”

The question is accompanied by a shot of the two actors – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for it is they – entwined before the cameras.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Backstage With Cheryl Cole And Girls Aloud

HELLO! wants to take readers into the Girls Aloud dressing rooms and into their “private lives”.

All too easy to stride right in, but we warned: the site of Ashley Cole in full cry in the arms of pop poppet Cheryl Cole demands a pause for thought and a sponge. Cheryl wants us to know about her “secret pain” and, “Why I’m hurting every night.”

Anorak

Posted: 12th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

June Sarpong Journeys To LA

JUNE Sarpong, the former T4 presenter, has relocated to Los Angeles. How’s she settling in?

Hello! finds out… Says June:

“Because I’m on this journey of ‘personal growth’,” she says making imaginary inverted commas…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jennifer Aniston Brings Beckham To Her Senses

“SKINNY is over!” announces heat magazine. And to prove how over skinny is, Jennifer Aniston has “put on half a stone”, “Posh bulks up at gym!” and Hello! magazine comes equipped with a bar of KitKat senses.

Unwrap your finger of chocolate, and marvel at how Jennifer Aniston has gained half a stone since she split from John Mayer.

Jens looks a “far cry from the shots we’re used to seeing of her on the beech with her trademark toned tummy and tony waist.”

A “far cry” – or a good cry?

Anorak

Posted: 5th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Jade Goody’s Greatest Creation

ANYONE remember when it was easy to like Shilpa Shetty? Yes, it was when she was being abused on Big Brother.

Everyone likes a victim, and Shilpa was it. But now Shilpa is accused of being the predator – it alleged that she wrecked her furture husband’s first marriage.

Here’s Shilpa showing Hello! readers around she and Raj Kundra’s British mansion. Through the double doors leading into a grand hall with two reception rooms on the left and steps down to an indoor heated swimming pool.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sienna Miller Enjoys Her Own Company In The Garden

SIENNA Miller is “AS YOU’VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE.”

So says Hello! on its cover, and we thrill to the sight of Ms Miller enjoying her own company as she puts in the bedding plants and then hands upside down from the banisters with her feet in skis and her head in a toaster.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)