Katie Price Beats Britney Spears And Suri Cruise To Media Award

Joan Collins and the Daily Mail find a way to namecheck Peter Andre, Katie Price, Big Brother, Jade Goody, Peter Andre, Kerry Katona, Dannii Minogue, the X Factor, Britney Spears, Suri Cruise and just about any other celebrity you want to read about…

A TRULY brilliant story on the Mail’s front page, as it uses a picture of Katie Price to highlight its, er, “NONENTITIES” awards.

Yep. Katie Price is such a nonentity she is now reduced to appearing on the Mail’s front page. Even the Daily Star doesn’t bother with her, leading instead with Umar Abdulmutallab and the war on terror.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Jade Goody Stars In Pantomime And Jack Tweed’s ‘Playboy’ Message

DAY Three of the tabloids’ Christmas Without Jade. Having seen Widow Hanky (Jackiey Budden) at her daughter’s graveside, heard from Buttons (Jeff Brazier) and experienced the Babes in the Woodford’s message to mum and her new best mate Michael Jackson, time to introduce Jack Tweed, aka Dickhead Whittington.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody Is Dancing With Michael Jackson

HAVING spotted Jade Goody’s mum Jackiey Budden by her daughter’s grave for a tabloid Christmas special, the Sunday Mirror hears from Jade Goody’s husband Jeff Brazier. It is:

Our Christmas without Jade

Having experienced Easter without Jade, and already made the best of Christmas without Jade, this is more like the Christmas Sales without Jade, to be followed by New Year without Jade, Valentine’s Day without Jade, Mother’s Day without Jade and every slow news day when hacks are off in the corporate gyms with Jade.

Bobby and Freddy miss their mummy so much. They think she’s up there dancing with Michael Jackson. It was their first Christmas without her…but Jade Goody’s little ­sons Bobby and Freddy were ­determined to make sure their mummy didn’t miss out.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Merry Christmas From Jade Goody: In Pictures

JADE Goody is now a nostalgic part of Christmas. She’s on the front page of the Sun, chiefly because she’s still not alive. We says Jade get an Easter Egg at Easter. Now it’s Christmas.

It might well be what Jade would have wanted. Having been diagnosed on the telly with the cervical cancer that would ultimately kill her, Jade then invited cameras to follow her decline and sold her harrowing tale of a young mum dying to OK! magazine to earn as much money as possible to look after her sons.

A young woman died. It was a tragic story. It was even more tragic when OK! killed her off before she’d died, publishing a souvenir post-death issue as Jade stubbornly continued to breathe.

To the media the Jade Goody story is something other than sad. On the cover of the Sun we see lady Jackiey Budden, Jade’s mum, kissing her daughter’s headstone. It is “Christmas without Jade”.

Only, it isn’t because Jade on the cover of the Sun.

With the pain of her unbearable loss still etched across her face, Jackiey Budden braved the freezing cold to be with her daughter for an hour.

This is the Sun, part of the tabloid pack that fed off the “pig” called Jade, the “dimwit, foul-mouthed” Jade, and subjected her to a torrent of abuse. If we weren’t so cynical we’d expect the Sun felt guilty about abusing a woman but instead we imagine it’s just using Jade as a cheap, mawkish story to slap on the front page while the hacks are off in the corporate gym working out its “Pride of Heaven” awards.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Susan Boyle Dances A Highland Fling for Tiger Woods, In Pictures

SUSAN Boyle Watch: First up in today’s Susan Boyle news is Sue Carroll. Fresh from writing on and on and on about how Katie Price is no longer newsworthy – oh, the irony – Carroll now links Susan Boyle to Tiger Woods. Has he, you know, been, you know with Susan Boyle..?

Sooner a fragile Susan Boyle, whose frailties are there for all to see, than a superstar forced to pretend his life is a bed of roses when he’s lying on thorns.

Susan Boyle is “fragile”? She looks pretty robust. Of course, Boyle being weak is the media narrative. Even when Susan Boyle looks happy and vibrant she must be weak.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Madeleine McCann Is Every Parent’s Bogeyman

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann: Michael White’s poppy pornography and Our Spanish Maddie keeps Shannon Kyle in work.

FIRST up, the Guardian’s Michael White tells us about how the “pornography of grief has devalued poignancy of the poppy” and how Madeleine McCann is implicated in it:

The Victorians made a lot of fuss over death too. Just look at those tombstones: exotic, even erotic, in old cemeteries. But at least it was the deaths of their own loved ones they were mourning. Death was everywhere all the time before the development of modern antibiotics.

Now death sits in rest homes, impatiently waiting for life to finish swirling round the plug hole.

We, who have so little experience of it by comparison, have forgotten how to handle the great unknown in a largely godless age. Hence the macabre fuss over Princess Di, over missing Madeleine McCann and over poor, abused Jade Goody too.

Jade Goody gets two adjectives; Our Maddie gets none.

After White, the Guardian gives space to Shannon Kyle to deliver yet another of those Odes To Parenting, in which Our Maddie is the parent’s bogeyman:

Anorak

Posted: 13th, November 2009 | In: Madeleine McCann | Comments (2)

Katie Price And Peter Andre Come Together Over Stacy Solomon

GREAT news that Katie Price and Peter Andre have agreed to agree that X Factor singer Stacy Solomon is their fave. They‘ve had their rows…

…But the bubbly Dagenham girl has brought them together and they’ve both raved about how sweet she is.

X Factor host Dermot O’Leary says Stacey is “the new Jade Goody”, which should mean we see Pete jogging along with “STACEY” daubed on his arm.

In other news the Sun says:

JORDAN took a leaf out of Cheryl Cole’s book today with her choice of outfit. The glamour model, real name Katie Price, decided to wear a military style jacket which was strikingly similar to the one the X Factor judge put on for her performance on Sunday.

If Katie can lose some layers, show more flesh, shag a vomitous footballer and sing along to a backing tape, she can be “the new Cheryl Cole”, or the old one.

Over in the Daily Star, the front page news is sensational:

“Jordan: Peter & I shared our marriage bed with another woman.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Jade Goody’s Mum Jackiey Is A Damn Lady, Attacks Jeff Brazier

A MISSIVE from Jade Goody Industries drops through the post box, containing the latest minutes of the AGM, as told to the News of The World by the Goody Mum.

The chairman, Max Clifford, introduces the board members to today’s agenda:

JADE Goody’s distraught mum Jackiey fears she’ll lose her two precious grandchildren for ever after an explosive row with their dad Jeff Brazier. She begged her tragic daughter’s ex not to stop her seeing the boys, pleading…

Jackiey Bidden, for it is she, raises to her feet, as best she is able, and delivers:

“You HAVE to understand. . . Jack lost a wife, I lost a daughter and Bobby and Freddie lost a mum – you never lost anything! I’m NOT living without the boys. Please Jeff, you CAN’T cut me off from them, they’re all I have left of Jade.”

The shareholders – members of the tabloid press – fidget in their seats. It’s good news but can the Jade Goody brand survive a schism? Will Jackiey be able to work the Jade goody mines alone?

An institutional shareholder, News International, stands up and announces:

Bisexual ex-junkie Jackiey Budden, 51, (pictured above) spoke out after the News of the World revealed that GMTV star Brazier vowed to BAN widowed stepdad Jack Tweed from contact with his sons – aged six and four – and threatened to RESTRICT their access to their gran.

His move followed 22-year-old Tweed’s arrest on a rape charge and Jackiey’s shameful drunken rant in a Tenerife bar where she bragged of using the F-word to discipline the kids.

Now Jackiey is addressing the investors:

“I used to scream, shout and swear. But I’m not like that any more. I’ve become a lady.”

Later adding:

“Jeff knows damn well I don’t let those boys swear. I would never dare look at my grandchildren and say ‘F*** off!‘ They’re good boys. But Jeff didn’t wait and he didn’t listen, he just jumped on the bandwagon.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Separated At Birth: Jade Goody And Kelly Clarkson

REALITY TV show winner Kelly Clarkson (American Idol), seen here modelling her new fashion inspiration is channelling the late reality tv show winner Jade Goody (Big Brother)…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jack Tweed’s Suicide Watch With Jade Goody

JACK Tweed says he wants to kill himself. In “JACK: I WANT TO KILL MYSELF”, the News of The World places Mr Jade Goody on suicide watch – “nor death shall us part”.

Beneath a picture of Tweed, readers are told:

QUIET NIGHT IN: Prison beans and orange squash is far from Jack Tweed’s usual Champagne style

One would venture that Tweed is sipping on “prison orange squash”. But we should not interrupt the facts as Jack’s mum, Mary Tweed, tells her story to the tabloids, and so – finally! – welcomes a bona fide outlet of Jade Goody Industries.

THE distraught mum of rape charge widower Jack Tweed told yesterday of her torment at seeing her “baby” in prison and hearing him threaten to take his own life.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Mr Jade Goody, Jack Tweed, In Media Roasting

JACK Tweed has been arresteted and charged with raping a 19-year-old woman. Having been know for too long as Mr Jade Goody, Jack seems to be finally making headway as a jobbing celebrity:

THE Sun (front page): “JACK TWEED RAPE ARREST”

Finally Jack Tweed is his own man…

“MOMENT COPS NICK JADE WIDOW FOR ‘SEX ATTACK’”

Anorak

Posted: 5th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Jack Tweed Escapes Unnoticed, Jade Goody’s Name Sullied

MR Jade Goody, Jack Tweed, of Jade Goody Industries – In Mortis Endeavour – has been pinched for allegedly raping a 19-year-old he met in The Embassy, London’s slap and pap club.

So who is Jack Tweed to the media at large? Having taken part in a concerted campaign to become a jobbing celebrity, has Max Clifford’s magic worked for Our Jack? Let’s take a look:

Contact Music: “JADE GOODY – GOODY’S HUSBAND HELD OVER ‘SEX ATTACK'”

EntertainmentWise: “Jade Goody’s Widower Jack Tweed Arrested Over Teen Rape Allegations”

Anorak

Posted: 4th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Shilpa Shetty Launches Goody Gracious Me Cutty Sauce Range

WHAT began as parody becomes truth as Shilpa Shetty launches her Goody Gracious Me range of curries, chutneys and pickles in honour, nay, tribute, to Jade Goody.

To begin, dishy Shilpa “will bring to market her own brand of poppadoms“.

It’s good to see that Shilpa has moved on from being called Shilpa Poppadom and used her Jade-fed fame to do good deeds and expand her career.

Big Brother watchers will recall how Jade’s “nan” was in the BB house at the time. There is more to come from multi-talented Shilpa.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Jade Goody’s Spirit Wants To Smack Jack Tweed?

JACK Tweed, of Jade Goody Industries, is in conversation with whale-voiced Carole Malone, in:

Jack Tweed: I trashed memory of Jade with sex, Red Bull and vodka. His boozing and partying have made him a national disgrace. Now Jack Tweed finally confesses

Finally!

Says Jack: “But I don’t know what else to do. She’s not here to tell me what to do. And she was the only person in the world who could – and who I’d listen to.”

And poof! – Jade is reborn:

Anorak

Posted: 16th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jade Goody Presents Pride Of Heaven Awards

“JADE Goody would be so proud” states the Daily Mirror’s front-page headline.

Jeff Brazier, Jade Goody’s old sparring partner, tells Mirror readers that Jade’s boys talks to her in heaven “and what he real thinks of Jack”.

We too are proud of Jeff for telling us how proud Jade is. They are the winners of Anorak’s first Pride of Heaven awards.

Jade Goody’s two young sons look up to the sky and ask: “Daddy, has Mummy’s hair grown back in Heaven?”

Dad Jeff Brazier hugs Bobby, six, and four-year-old Freddy tight, and smiling says: “‘Yes, Mummy’s got her hair back, she’s looking her best, wearing the lovely clothes she used to and she’s happy and joking a lot’.

“Whether it’s right or wrong, that’s what I tell them,” says Jeff.

Jackiey Budden, the Jade Goody Mum, could always ask Jade what she’s wearing at the next televised séance.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Les Paul Joins Celebrity Death Watch

LES Paul dies and the Celebrity Death Watch business thrives. Anorak’s Man in LA looks at the man who made so much possible:

Les was the innovator, and a part if the New York City music scene over the years. He pioneered multitrack recording; he invented the solid body guitar; when he shattered his right arm in a car crash, rendering it immobile, he had it set at an angle so he could play continue to guitar; they named the Les Paul after him!

But it’s thirty-third week of 2009 and Les Paul’s is the thirty-eighth celebrity death we’ve highlighted since January 3rd.

Get a load of this list of the people whose passings we’ve mentioned in 2009– so far:

Anorak

Posted: 14th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jack Tweed Fights Booze By Opening A Bar

JACK Tweed is in conversation with the 3am girls, the Daily Mirror’s harpies.

The story so far: having pledged his undying love to Jade Goody, Tweed has been spending the time waiting to once more be in her arms by shagging and drinking and clubbing and kebabing – generally behaving like,well, Jade.

But Jack puts it all down to too much alcohol.

Don’t blame them. You’d need a few stiff ones before you got into a clinch with Our Jack. But it’s not just the ladies who are taking Crotch Courage.

As we put a comforting arm around him, Jack confessed: “It was stupid and I regret it. I need help before my drinking gets out of control. I turn to alcohol to hide the pain of losing Jade.

“When you drink you forget about the pain. I think about Jade non-stop…”

Thinks? He thinks? He thinks all the time. He was thinking about Jade as she climbed aboard Lisa O’Connor? What was he thinking – “I wish Jade had had an arse like yours”?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jack Tweed Launches Dice Glamour Modelling

MISSION impossible to turn Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, into a person of interest continues apace as ex-lag partakes in “NAKED frolics and a game of STRIP POKER.”

That Tweed did so in the privacy of his house is his first error. The rules of tabloid dictate that first Tweed must be seen getting to know the women in an Essex club before falling into a taxi, as the gels tumble from their clothes.

The Sun takes up the nettle and bills Tweed as a “club promoter”. The club Tweed seems to be promoting is Faces, the Essex haunt to snapper and slapper. And having introduced us earlier to mo-del Lisa O’Connor, Jack now showcases the talents of:

Sam Grierson – aka “SEXY Sam Grierson… winner of the Miss Middlesbrough title” and knicker model
Roxy Townsend – another mo-del
Biannca Lake – a former stripper and mo-del

Tweed is becoming a conduit to glamour modelling, and more. As the Daily Star trills:

Blonde bombshell Roxy, of Hertford, says she and brunette pals Sam Grierson, 21, and Biannca Lake, 22, have formed a girl group called Dice – and have been picking playboy Jack’s brain over the pitfalls of fame.

Picking Jack’s brains must be like a fairground Grab It Machine, the picker hoping that after repeated attempts at working the bendy arm something other than air can be retrieved.

Back in the Sun:

After being seen snogging him, Sam said she was just his cousin… Later a source close to the girls said they had been told by Jack’s agent to say Sam was a cousin “to put Jack in the clear”.

Indeed, nothing like snogging your cousin to show you in better light.

Meanwhile, Jack Tweed Modelling Promoter moves on…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Jade Goody Launches New Perfume On Oprah Winfrey

JACKIEY Budden, marketer for Jade Goody industries, is in 2 hour séance with psychic Jayne Wallace. The perfume of kebab and sun cream. Jade, you there? Blurp!

“Jade wants to say, ‘Sorry Mum’ for not listening to you. She knows it was the biggest mistake she ever made – but she just wanted to be a princess. She still loves him and knows he loved her, but she’s disgusted with his behaviour and thinks it’s disrespectful to her memory and to you.”

Him is randy Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, keeper of the Goody Privy Seal. And I am The Anorak, the media medium who told you that Jade would be back to appear in Big Brother 10. Jade… We feel your presence. Hey. Not that close. Get out of my face. Yeah, and you, you ****ing b****! Police!”

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Jack Tweed Weeps For ‘Sick And Dirty’ Sex With Lisa O’Connor

JACK Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, continues his mission to become a bona fide celebrity by telling New! magazine readers of his sex with a glamour model.

Readers don’t hear how often Jack did it, just that Jack felt “sick and dirty” – which might be a sign that it was great sex.

The mo-del, one Lisa O’Connor, 21, recently sold her story News Of The World, offering:

“I was walking through the club, minding my own business, when Jack stood in my way to stop me. He didn’t mean anything malicious, but he was definitely trying it on. I think that was his way of flirting – but he’s just not very good at it.”

Which is why before the night was out he had penetrated her.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Jade Goody And Jack Tweed’s Coffee Morning

ON with the mission to make doe-faced, ex-lag, wannabe football agent, John Terry stand-in, sort of model, jobbing Mr Jade Goody emeritus Jack Tweed a bona fide celebrity.

This week Jack Tweed volunteers to launch the World’s Biggest Coffee Morning in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Big Brother Cashes In On Jade Goody

BIG Brother news is that Nasty Nick Bateman of Big Brother 1 repute has “pulled out of a guest turn on Big Brother at the last minute after hearing his fee would be donated to Jade Goody’s charity”.

That’s really nasty.

Big Brother producers have spent an age trying to manufacture a Jade Goody tribute for the show that introduced her to the voracious media. And now Nasty Nick’s gone and ruined it. Tsk!

Who was not hoping that Indian national Sree and the glamour models would trigger a tribute bout of tag-team racism to honour Jade? Would Graham Norton construct an entire post-show show about a contestant’s piggy face, touchingly provided in the form of Porky Pig masks for all housemates? Would everyone get naked, for Jade?

Anorak

Posted: 14th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Jade Goody’s Mum Dates Boris Johnson

HAVING introduced the world to Jade Goody’s step-lover – Goody Mum Jackiey Budden’s new fella – the Sun’s Andrew Parker tells us:

THE toyboy lover of Jade Goody’s grieving mum sent his ex saucy texts behind her back — including phone snaps of his MANHOOD which he calls BORIS.

The mind is infected by a large nose emerging from a mop of blonde hairs. As for the toyboy lover, well, if you found him in your Christmas stocking you’d ask for the receipt.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 12th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Jade Goody’s Mum Shows Her New Lover

MORE news from the press office at  Jade Goody Industries as her grieving mum…

…“spoke for the first time about her blossoming new romance yesterday — and said: “Now Jade needn’t be scared that I’ll be alone.”

Jade Goody’s mum is Jackiey Budden who seems set to prove that there is more to her than being Jade Goody’s mum as she becomes Jade Goody’s mum with a new lover.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

Jade Goody’s Jack Tweed Returns From Africa

IT’S Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody’s, “first and only interview” in OK!, which discounting the interviews he held with Jade Goody is factually bang on.

Before the interview, OK! readers see pictures of Jack tying a big silver balloon to Jade’s grave, and then attaching it to the headstone. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY,” says the message. OK! says “tears welled” in his eyes and he left a personal note, which OK! readers get to share in.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment