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Turn up the central heating: Jedward’s new Madame Tussaud’s waxwork must die

TURN up the central heating. Jedward L-R (John and Edward Grimes) have unveiled their waxworks at the National Wax Museum in Dame Street, Dublin. Egads! The horrors are on a production line!

PS – Stan Laure’s tongue follows you around the room.

Posted: 28th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Crap celebrity merchandise: the Jedward ‘popping’ bar

THE JEDWARD “popping chocolate bar” are on sale. No, not pooping. Popping.

As Thomas E. Scott says: “Louis Walsh sits in a little nest and lays several of these every hour.”

Spotter: Brendan O’Neill

 

 

 

Posted: 10th, September 2012 | In: Celebrities, The Consumer | Comments (6)


X Factor: Louis Walsh Says Gary Barlow Lacks Credibility In Incredible Story

LOUIS Walsh, bobble-headed super-injunction negating, Hughie Green impersonator and cloth-eared peddler of novelty hits, is to leave the X Factor. First Simon Cowell left; then Kelly Rowland put on her sick voice and had the week off; now Walsh is promising to walk. Below the headline “I can’t stay“, Walsh folds his arms a little too tightly about his waist in a hackneyed effort to look strident and says why the X Factor is so utterly joyless.

The article contains the gem:

“Gary’s credibility has gone downhill for promoting someone who can’t sing.”

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Posted: 13th, November 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Steve Jobs Saw Jedward’s New Single Before Dying

FOLLOWING the news that Steve Jobs’ last words were “Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow”, OK! brings news the Jedward’s new single is called Wow Oh Wow.

You see. Jobs was not seeing Paradise, the iPhone 6 or Justin Bieber’s marriage to Kim Kardashian. He was seeing Jedward’s new video.

See it and die…

Posted: 4th, November 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Jedward Warn Kids Against Voting For Terrorists In Irish Presidential Elections

THE Week According to Jedward features the McDonald’s chip-headed Irish horrors discussing things of great import in OK!. Highlights are:
On the Irish presidential election:

“Our advice to them [candidates] is don’t wear a balaclava…”

You got that, kids. Vote for Eurovision survivor Dana and not for terrorists. Rebellion and murder are overrated.

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Posted: 7th, October 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)


Ex-Hoff Gets Booted Out Of The Big Brother House, But Gets Her Revenge On Half The House

YES! We have a 100% accuracy with the whole Predicting Who Is Getting Voted Out Of The Big Brother House thing. You really should start putting money on our guesswork because we’re quite clearly brilliant/sad enough to take an interest in the show.

As predicted, Pamela Bachman Turner Overdrive Hasselhoff was voted off, leaving odious, foetid cockatiel Darryn Lyons in the house with his man-made 20 pack stomach. Seriously. It looks like a dinosaur’s back.

The Hoff’s ex-wife got seven nominations from her housemates who all uniformly thought she was a whining old bag with nothing good to say about anyone.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Oh God. One Of Jedward Has Got Married In The Big Brother House To Her From TOWIE

ONE thing we were all counting on  in the BB House (ha! ‘All’ being ‘The three people actually watching Celebrity Big Brother) was that producers of the show were just desperate to drive a big fat wedge between Jedward, like taking a pair of shears to some conjoined twins.

Well, the ball is in motion, with Amy Childs and One Of Jedward (who cares which one) being ‘married’ in the house. With any luck, we’ll see Childs cruelly taking One Of Jedward’s virginity too, while The Other One From Jedward looks tearfully on.

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Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Celebrity Big Brother Review: Day 1, Where Everything Felt The Same

SOME things had changed in the skewed landscape of (Celebrity) Big Brother. First off, there was no Davina. It was also on a different channel, getting shunted sideways from Channel 4 to Five. And other things had changed too like… er… well… nothing.

See, BB came back with Marcus Bentley providing his usual ebullient Geordie narrative, along with that theme tune, that house, that braying crowd of placard holding dimwits and that sneaking suspicion that this show, while briefly exciting in return, has probably had it’s day.

In previous years, Big Brother has always fared well on the opening night. We can all muster up enough interest to see which poor, beleaguered sod wants to put themselves through the wringer, tuning in to hurl obscenities at them or, more appropriately, shriek “WHO ARE YOU?! NO SERIOUSLY! WHO? YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A WIKIPEDIA PAGE! YOU PLEB!

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Posted: 19th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Jedward Will Be In The Celebrity Big Brother House, Of Course

THERE is absolutely no surprise that John and Edward (or Jedward from now on because they really don’t deserve to have separate names really, given that, together, they equate to less than your average human being) have been strongly linked to Five’s Celebrity Big Brother 2011.

Basically, when you’ve no discernible skill, other than a constant source of wonder at the world, coupled with the ability to take the English language and mangle it into something curious and baffling, you’re always going to gravitate toward a show that essentially prolongs your career without having to do anything more than sit on a sofa, occasionally cook, have drunken quarrels, shag under kitchen tables and perform a vaguely humiliating tasks in a garden.

Essentially, it’s fresher’s week for celebrities.

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Posted: 17th, August 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Pamela Anderson And Charlie Sheen Linked To Big Brother: Full List Of Housemates So Far

BAYWATCH! Playboy! Boobies! And that sex tape, PETA with Tommy Lee. These are the things Pamela Anderson is famous for. Not much else, unless you happen to be a really big fan of Barb Wire. And why wouldn’t you be? It’s absolutely brilliant*.

However, something else she should be known for is the fact that, for nearly a decade, she’s been consistently linked with reality shows. Every single time there’s a Celebrity Big Brother, there she is, squarely in the rumours list of possible participants.

And now that (Channel) Five are bringing it back to us (thanks, you really shouldn’t have), Pammy’s name is there again.

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Posted: 2nd, August 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Jedward To Team Up With Aerosmith, Which Is Completely Fine

JEDWARD are in grave danger of having their credibility ruined by teaming up with ageing rock testicles, Aerosmith. Well kinda. Not the whole of Aerosmith, but mainman, Steven Tyler, who is currently sat at home ironing his face in a trouser press.

Dr Seuss’ Thing A and Thing B come to life Jedward may be, but they’re putting all that Eurovision Song Contest thing behind them (unlike Blue who will be self-harming over the whole thing for decades yet) by looking forward to a duet with one of rock’s most unwilling to disappear.

It appears that the leaping twins of doom will be teaming up with withered balloon animal of RAWK to record a new version of Aerosmith’s Walk This Way, which no-one wanted or asked for.

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Posted: 23rd, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Eurovision: Jedward’s Gibert & George-Themed Pop Magic Too Good for Euro Wonks

HOW did Jedward not win Eurovsion? They referenced Gilbert & George: high concept pop or what, you Euro-cunts? The gayest duo currently warbling. I wonder if they are practising. Yet. Dare they? Long live Ireland!

Posted: 15th, May 2011 | In: Reviews | Comments (2)


Coco Pops Sales Plummet As Jedward’s Stupid Faces Adorn Box

COCO Pops are the cereal of the cheeky monkey child. Coco The Monkey has always embodied that vague notion of wacky rebellion, essentially being the spokessimian for those sticking two fingers up at those who say you can’t eat chocolate for your breakfast.

Of course, adults like to secretly gorge on Coco Pops even though they tell everyone in the office that they eat boring things like muesli and that most hideous of constructs, the ‘graze box’.

However, that’s all about to change as Kellogg’s have done something so incredibly stupid that we’ll probably see the end of Coco Pops existing as a thing.

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Posted: 11th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Eurovision 2011: Jedward Reject Revolution In Qatar To Sing For Ireland

EUROVISION: Jedward are the offcial entry of Ireland in the Eurovision song contest. By now many of you might have thought Jedward would have developed their talents aways from the performing arts, perhaps as a new food addictive that triggers hyperactivity in toddlers, a twin trophy at an ATP tour event or lent their name to a  Revolution in Qatar. But processed food’s lost is music’s gain as the brother Grimes sing “Lipstick” at the Eurovision semi-finals of the contest in Dusseldorf.

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Posted: 12th, February 2011 | In: Key Posts, TV & Radio | Comment


X Factor: Katie Waissel In Jedward Double Act With Emily Barnett Salter Is Her Jedward Twin (Photos)

X FACTOR: Did Katie Waissel join Jedward on stage in X Factor 2009? Well, no. One conspiracy theory can be put to bed as a reader introduces us to Emily Barnett Salter. Credits include: X Factor, Schwarzkopf, NVQ awards and P&O cruises. A double act with Katie awaits…

ReadHow The X Factor And Sony BMG Fixed It For Katie Waissel, aka Katie Vogel.

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Posted: 27th, November 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Who Better Than Jedward To Front A Recycling Campaign In Glasgow? Photos

WHO better than John and Edward Grimes – that’s Jedward for those of you people (yeople) unable to remember two names (tames) to front a recycling campaign? Jedward went to Craigdhu Primary School, in Milngavie, Glasgow. Twice…

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John (blue tie back turned) and Edward Grimes aka Jedward with pupils from Craigdhu Primary as they promote a recycling campaign in aid of ChildLine in Milngavie at their school assembly ahead of their concert in Glasgow.

Posted: 16th, November 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jedward Are A Video Game The X Factor Lost: Photos

JEDWARD, Simon Cowell’s legacy, were flogging the Nintendo DS Dragon Quest IX medieval village opening in London’s Covent Garden. In true X Factor style Jedward gave the video game lots of energy and made the DS their own.

John and Edward are, of course, pathetically crap singers and worse dancers. But they were the most entertaining thing on last year’s X Factor.

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Posted: 13th, November 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


X Factor: Simon Cowell Keeps Jedward For Three More Years

ON the day Simon Cowell signed his £100m deal with ITV to keep the X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent recycling talent and stage school drop outs until 2013, the epitome of his contribution to popular culture – Jedward – were performing with a human-stuffed Scooby Doo! character to launch the new animated film ‘Scooby-Doo! Camp Scare‘ and video game ‘Scooby-Doo! and the Spooky Swamp’ at Battersea Dogs and Cats Home in London.

But time moves on and new acts will have to go further than hair gel and a journey. In China Liu Wei has won that country’s TV talent show by playing the piano with his toes. He has no arms.

The gauntlet has been tossed down – with Cowell’s teeth…

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John and Edward Grimes, known as Jedward, perform with the Scooby Doo! character to launch the new animated film 'Scooby-Doo! Camp Scare' and video game 'Scooby-Doo! and the Spooky Swamp'at Battersea Dogs and Cats Home in London.

Posted: 19th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


X Factor Jedward Are Now A Nintendo Video Game (Photos)

X FACTOR winners Jedward – now 3.4 times more recognisable from 10 paces than any other X Factor act and the epitome of Simon Cowell’s gift to music – are 19 today.

John and Edward Grimes, the Priapic-haired duo with the names plucked from a Dickens workhouse are now jobbing as Nintendo ambassadors. Like Nintendo games, Jedward are annoying, two dimensional, repetitive and the fit line of defence in an alien invasion…

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Posted: 16th, October 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


When Jedward Met Tony Blair

AND so it came to pass that Tony Blair got to keep the company he deserves when he met Jedward.

Tony was scheduled to plug his book on the The Late, Late Show in Dublin last Friday.

Wonder what Tony sees in Jedward?

Posted: 8th, September 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jedward Work As Foamy Gnome Ballast: Pictures

JEDWARD, the epitome of Simon Cowell’s gift to music and NOT mephedrone freaks have been launching the Rowntree’s Randoms ‘Foamy Gnome on the Roam’ tour, in Richmond Park. The Foamy Gnome has left his flatmates, Jedward, behind and is off on a random adventure in his giant hot air balloon. Is this the future for Jedward: ballast? The only way is down.  Stay tuned…

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ALTERNATE CROP. John and Edward Grimes, better known as Jedward, during a photocall to launch the Rowntree's Randoms 'Foamy Gnome on the Roam' tour, in Richmond Park.

Posted: 12th, August 2010 | In: The Consumer | Comments (2)


Jedward Enter Big Brother House: In Pictures

BIG Brother said goodbye to Benjamin Duncan, the fop in Ken Dodd’s dolly-dyed hair who has been evicted from the Big Brother house. And as he went out into the great hereafter, into the house went Jedward, those X Factor Duracell Gonks created by Simon Cowell’s pop school.

Housemates have been ordered to ignore Jedward – which is something may Britons has attempted to do for months now.

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Jedward outside the Big Brother house, at Elstree Studios in Borehamwood.

Jedward juddered and warble through their new single ‘All The Small Things’ in the garden.

“The housemates have been doing really well at this task but we are going to make it really hard for them to ignore us.”

All we says it, you get the entertainment you deserve…

Posted: 30th, July 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Jedward’s Dublin Pictures And Emma Amelia Pearl Czikai’s BGT Lament

WE caught up with Jedward in Dublin. John And Edward Grimes – the stars that epitomise all that is right and proper with the X Factor and such talent shows -were at a CD signing. John and Edward are exactly what UK showbiz deserves and demands. On the same day, Britain’s Got Talent’s Emma Amelia Pearl Czikai was talking about suing the show’s judges.

Ms Czikai, from Sutton Coldfield, near Birmingham, says he was not feleign well when she came to sing. She was buzzed off. She told us:

“I do have the ability to move people. People have cried when they have heard me sing.”

She calls the show “backdoor modern slavery“, guilty of “modern-day barbarism” and acts of “atrocity” against wannabe stars. The show’s layers say not so. And Jedward play on, setting out to prove that if you set people up for fall, you might gets squashed…

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Posted: 23rd, July 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Jedward: Home Alone – TV Show Allows Fans To Watch Paint Dry: Pictures

JEDWARD, Edward and John Grimes, have fallen on stage at the T4 On The Beach gig in Weston Super Mare. The X Factor’s Duracell Gonks were performing their St Vitus tribute dance to the tune Ghostbusters when tragedy struck.

Edward Grimes fell. His leg is hurt. The smart thing would be sever it and reattach it to John’s loins or Edward’s head and have them carthweel to Eye Of The Tiger. But how much talent can we handle?

Well, lots. Because John and Edward have scored a TV show called Jedward: Home Alone. Yeah, both of them. Alone. Together. With a TV crew.

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Posted: 5th, July 2010 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)


Jedward Do Chelsey Pucks: Behind The Scenes Video On The Shake ‘n’ Vac (Not Meow Meow, Kids) Advert

HANDS up who wants to see behind the scenes at goings on at the new Jedward commercial for powdered Shake ‘n’ Vac (not meow meow, readers!)? Hands up? No, hands up where we can see them. You all do.

And helping you tiptoe through the dog mess on the carpet, is Chesley OMG, aka Chelsey Pucks. Chelsey is either a work of parody or else she really is like that and Jedward have found someone – albeit imported – to make them look bearable.

As your circle life’s plughole, try to look up…


Posted: 24th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)