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Posts Tagged ‘Jedward’

X Factor: Peaches Geldof Piles On the Misery For Jedward

7845384X FACTOR Watch: Your daily X Factor news round-up: hating Jedward with Peaches Geldof.

Daily Mirror: “STOP HATING US”

The Jedward twins told last night how they have become the victims of a “savage” hate campaign being waged by vile X Factor obsessives

Like the, er, Daily Mirror and every other organ with a page to fill?

We were in the street walking to our dance class when a whole family came past in a black car and shouted out, ‘We hate you. You’re w******’. Edward was shaken up and very upset. I had to calm him down and tell him not to think about it. All we want is for people to love us.”

Can’t we just be indifferent to you?

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Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


X Factor: Jedward Spray Simon Cowell With His Next Tan

X FACTOR: Jedward – Ghostbusters. The most overrated underrated act. Peter Andre appears to make Jedward look talented. Horrific.

Jedward are hanging from a rearview mirror in the Ghostbusters’ ambulance. There is every trick used to distract you from Jedward. What’s in the backpacks? LSD? Gunk? Simon Cowell”s next tan?

The full run down of the X Factor show.

Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Katie Price’s Burning Sensation X Factor Presents The Week In Pictures

pa-7994859WHAT a week that was, folks. We saw Gary Glitter’s Halloween costume, a man was beaten to death on the telly for our entertainment, The Cheeky Girls encouraged thoughts of them mating with X Factor’s Jedward and creating a new breed of horror, Madonna sanitized Africa, police arrested West Ham, Stephen Fry fans pretending to be actors, had a strop on Twitter, X Factor agonist Danyl Johnson was beaten by Hitler, giving us another reason to hate Danyl with a Y, Marlon King was branded a typical footballer, you got to cover your cat’s anus with a glitter ball, Muslims laughed at Muslims, Ollie Murs reminded us of them, Iggy Pop, Muhammad reminded us of corduroy bodysuits, starred in a film as John Travolta, we blamed the Muslims for Madeleine McCann, Al Gore became a God, Daily Mail readers came out in favour of Sharia LawNazis and , we learnt that a virus can wear bovver boots, was burnt as a bitch, Katie PriceSusan Boyle was our transsexual Jesus, Lindsay Lohan died, almost, Ringo Starr became something funny in the water, we saw the Carrie Prejean sex tape, Katie and Peter got back together, we enjoyed blood porn, Sharon Osbourne presented her hairy arsehole, Jedward reviewed their novelty record collection, Elizabeth LambertBeyonce made us watch women’s football- and it was good, showed us her knickers and Nidal Malik Hasan became a victim as he murdered 13 people.

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Posted: 7th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


Gordon Brown Says Jedward Are Part Of ‘Axis Of Evil’

sue-pollard-431x300HAVING achieved the impossible and made Simon Cowell’s Botox-face form an expression, John And Edward Grimes, aka Jedward, have attracted the attention of Gordon Brown.

Gordon loves the X Factor, with all its voting and populism. But what doe she think of it so far? The Star tells us:

“I HATE JEDWARD TOO.”

Hate is a strong word. For instance if you said, “I don’t think Gordon Brown is very good”, would that mean you hated him?

Speaking on Manchester radio station Key 103 Brown sided with judge Simon Cowell – who recently slammed the twins – saying: “I don’t think they’re very good”.

He later added:

“There are some really good people on X Factor. It’s really good. And I know it’s competing with Strictly Come Dancing.”

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Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Politicians | Comment


Britain’s Got Talent Hollie Steel Guns For X Factor’s John And Edward

pa-7370405HOLLIE Steel. Remember her? The little girl in the ballerina’s tutu who sang like an old woman running her teeth down a blackboard on Britain’s Got Talent? No, not the X Factor.

The other telly show with Simon Cowell sat behind a teachers’ desk. Hollie’s one who, allegedly, ate Susan Boyle’s hamster and was bullied? Hollie’s the one who nearly died?

Well news is that Hollie is aiming to be Top of The Pops this Christmas:

The 10-year-old from Huncoat has an exciting two months ahead of her as she prepares to release a festive single which will go head to head with the winner of the X Factor for the Christmas number one spot.”

If Jedward don’t sing Ebeneezer Good, then Hollie must.

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Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


X Factor’s John & Edward Grimes’ Novelty Record Top Ten

john-and-edward2YESTERDAY, Anorak began its campaign to have the X Factor twosome John & Edward Grimes, aka Jedward, record a novelty record and, with luck and a following wind, take it to No.1 in time for Christmas.

To give them a clue as to the levels expected to them, we deliver the Top Ten Novelty Records Of All Time.

Can John & Edward Grimes join this elite band of cheap and chirpy talents? Join hands in a Millennium Prayer that they do:

10. On Top of Spaghetti,  Tom Glazer & the Do Re Mi Children’s Choir.

Tapping into rich vein of laughing at foreingers. As performed on Noel Edmond’s Swap Shop – more from him later:

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Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Shaddap You Face: John & Edward Fight To Bring Back The Novelty Christmas Song

jedwardX FACTOR Watch: Jedward walks, Max Clifford stalks, Pete Warterman puts on rose-tinted specs for Pop Idol, Cheryl Cole’s teeth are wanted, Dannii Minogue is a sight screen and Anorak’s campaign to bring back the novelty record…

Jedward, the two–headed beast, move onto another week’s awfulness. They need to make it truly terrible to keep their bandwagon going. It’s not easy to be hated. Look at Noel Edmonds.

They say that when Jedward sings the world heats up and a polar bar suffocates. They say the CIA are using recordings of Jedward to torture prisoners’ gonads. They say Jedward are husband and wife, hailing from a small factory in China.

They say they must win to restore the novelty record to its rightful place as the Christmas no.1. Where is the new Renee and Renato? Mr Blobby? Bob The Builder?

And after Christmas, where is the new Father Abraham’s crooning for his Smurfs, T.U.R.T.L.E. Power, The Purple People Eater and anything by STEPS? Jedward… We need you to bring back the novelty Christmas record.

To today’s X Factor news:

Herald (Ireland): “No stopping Jedward now as celeb agent Max Clifford is set to snap up the twins”

X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes are being lined up by celebrity agent Max Clifford as their popularity soars.

Look out for Jedward pulling on matching Chelsea kits, shagging a bit-part actress and becoming the new Kerry Katonas.

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Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


X Factor Stars Do A Christmas Carol, In Pictures

ANORAK was at the world premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol in Leicester Square last night.

All the big stars were giving a remake of a remake of what once was book of a cartoon the weight it deserves: Olly Murs, Stacey Solomon, Danyl Johnson, Jedward, Lucie Jones, Lloyd Daniels, Joe McElderry, Jamie Archer and anyone else you had never heard of a few months ago.

Peter Andre was also there, trying not to outshine the talent and doing his now trademark impression of Bob Cratchit to Katie Price’s Scrooge…

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X Factor Twins arrive at A Christmas Carol World Premiere, Leicester Square, London

Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


X Factor: How to Date Olly Murs, Hate Danyl Johnson And Daniel Lloyd Gets Wood

img004ALL the UK mags want to be home of the X Factor, to become the official organ that fans will reach for to read about their fave show’s wannabes, stars and judges. This week’s Heat mag, makes its play, leading with “JEDMANIA”, a tribute to John and Edward Grimes, the X Factor’s answer to America Idol’s Sanjaya Malakar.

For those of you not au fait with Mr Malakar, he was the non-singing, non dancing performer whose hair styles and uselessness kept him on the show week after week. He only failed when all the other acts copied his moves and style and he ended up looking cocky.

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Posted: 3rd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Heat | Comment (1)


X Factor: Jedward, Head Lice In The House, Sanjaya Malakar And A Fix

rachel-lloydX FACTOR: John & Edward take it lice and queasy, Rachel sobs, Lloyd Daniels has not time to keep time and it is a fact that when the tabloids run out of puns for John & Edward the act will go the way of Chico Time, Mr Blobby and Little Jimmy Osmond.

And Sanjaya Malakar, the former American Idol contestant whose inability to carry a tune in his seive of a voice  and high hair led to him almost taking the title.

The Sun (front page): “Return of the JEDDIES”

Daily Mail (front page): “X-traordinary – They got through again”

Daily Mirror (front page):”Could they Twin It?”

Daily Mirror: “CEREAL OFFENDERS – THE X FACTOR JEDWARD DIVIDES THE NATION”

X Factor’s gruesome twosome John and Edward don’t just murder classic Queen songs – they’d kill for a bowl of cornflakes, too. It turns out that the talentless 18-yearold Grimes boys – who are still in the competition after their worst performance so far – have a habit of knicking the other contestants’ food.

The Sun: “Twins gave us Jed lice”

THE X Factor house is feared to be infested with HEAD LICE – and the towering hairdos of John and Edward Grimes are being blamed.

Daily Star (front page):  “TWINS SECRET PLOT TO WIN”

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Posted: 2nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


X Factor: John & Edward Come Clean On Drugs, Sex, Drink And Olly Murs

erasure1THE Star would like to tell you about John And Edward Grimes’ who tells us: “WE’RE THE SIN TWINS.”

Shock X Factor favourites John and Edward Grimes have lifted the lid on their sex, drugs and booze demons.

That would be Jedward (22-1, Betfair) who are right now sixth favourites to win the contest our of 8 acts, less liked than only the dire Lloyd Daniels (40-1, Coral) and the gushing Rachel Adedeji (30-1, BlueSquare). Favourite to win the show is Olly Murs.

Wit that fact cleared up, what about that sex, drugs and booze? Time to come clean – and get clean – lads:

The teenage twins say they know all about the dangers of the showbiz world. And, in an exclusive interview with the Daily Star Sunday, the brothers revealed how temptation has already come their way.

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Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


X Factor Live Blog: Jedward Doomed And Danyl Johnson Is Beaten By Hitler

x-factor5IT’S Rock Week on the X Factor, in which TV viewers get stuck between rock and the hard place that is finding something else to watch on another channel.

Cheryl Cole is wearing Mickey Mouse’s ears on her chest and telling Joe he’s going “all the way”.

Joe McElderry sings Don’t Stop Believin’, by Journey, whish is casue fo Louis Walsh to say:derry

“Don’t stop believin’ Joe, I think you’re going to make it to the final!”

Lucie Jones arrives and sings Sweet Child O’ Mine in the style of a young girl singing Guns ‘N Roses. Since this is how it is supposed to be sung, Lucie has done well. Tonight’s winner.

Danyl Johnson is weeping. Someone said he was less liked than Hitler. He should not worry. Hitler is wildly popular in some areas of the country, like Oldham. If he can crack the Home Counties – although, not he leafier parts of Surrey, obviously – he can still make it. Cheryl Cole, who what with the Mickey Mouse outfit, the husband and the tears could do a one-woman version of Steamboat Willy, tells Danyl, who has crooned I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, by Aerosmith.

“I wanted to see you come out after a tough week, Rachel was in the bottom two for the first two weeks and she came out fighting – that’s kinda what I was hoping to see from you. You do it well, you do it every week but you just don’t do it for me.”

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Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (22)


X Factor: Cheeky Girls Say John And Edward Lack Artistic Value

cheeky-girlsWANT to know if Jedward, the X Factor’s John & Edward will make it? And by make it we mean date a minor LibDem MP and invite proctologists, both pro and amateur, to touch their bums.

The Cheeky Girls, the East European siblings who only look like a lap dancers say Jedward will “never make it”. The Cheeky Girls say John & Edward lack the “artistic value” to make it big in the pop world as singing twins.

But can they get the artistic value, or at least a small pair of knickers?

Monica and Gabriela Irimia arose to your attention to Popstars, the X Factor forerunner that created will Young, Gareth Gates and Girls Aloud.

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Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Jedward Do The X Factor: The Most Amazing Things About John & Edward Mania

jedwardX FACTOR  Watch – Jedward special: Simon Cowell fixed it for Jedward, Halloween and bust, swine flu, Robbie Williams supports, Noel Gallagher cheers, JLS are on  message, Danyl Johnson votes John & Edward, the look-alikes and Jedward sing YMCA…

ON the front pages of the Mirror, Sun and Star, each time dressed as vampires ready to administer a love bite to anyone close enough, and so create another Jedward clone, the brothers Grimes introduce Halloween.

The Mirror: “X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes may be too sick to perform”

The sick so-and-sos. What they gone and done now?

Simon Cowell’s prayers could be answered – terrible twins John and Edward have been SILENCED by raging sore throats.

If they can’t sing, John & Edward get a pass through to the next round. Happily, Queen’s We Will Rock You is along with YMCA the world’s big semaphore hit and John & Edward can still perform with camping and foot stamping while stood on a large rock.

But the Brothers Grimes are now bona fide celebrities and a sore throat is not enough. As stars they demands more:

THE X Factor twins have been struck down with “flu-like” symptoms – just 24 hours after The Sun revealed the pair were at risk from swine flu.

Belfast Telegraph: “X Factor: Would you vote for the Grimes brothers?”

At his BBC Electric Proms performance last week Robbie stunned the crowd when he told them: “Go for the twins. John and Edward all the way.”

Well, if you can’t stun the crowd with your singing your new song that sounds like a composite blend of your own song with lyrics penned by an angst-riddled teenager, knock them bandy with something else.

And it’s not only Robbie Williams who likes Jedward:

Last year’s X Factor runners-up JLS have also given them the thumbs up, and even Noel Gallagher is reported to be behind them.

You imagine X Factor runners-up JLS like them because it reflects well on them to support a special needs act, and Noel Gallagher likes them because it’s pretty much what Simon Cowell’s pop factory deserves.

X Factor favourite Danyl Johnson, who is being mentored by their nemesis Simon Cowell, has revealed that he’s been voting to keep the twins in.

Danyl Johnson is so desperate to be likes he votes for John & Edward and then let’s this fact be know to the world at large. Others need John & Edward to remind the rest of us that they exist:

And John and Edward have also won the support of Big Brother reject Becky Shiner, who waited outside the X Factor house for hours to see them.

And to be seen.

The Guardian: “X Factor twins John and Edward pin victory hope on talent for publicity”

Simon Cowell described them as “vile little creatures who would step on their mother’s head to have a hit” and vowed to leave the country and sulk for six months if they won. Cheryl Cole said they could neither sing nor dance (“fact”) and more than 181,000 people joined a Facebook hate group in their name.

Hundreds of journalists quite about them.

“It’s been Jedward mania this week,” said Sam Delaney, the editor of Heat. “We’ve hit the tipping point. It’s up there with Bros mania, or Take That at their peak.” Delaney said the rise of JedwoodJohn and Edward mirrored the ascent of another upwardly mobile public figure. “There are parallels here with David Cameron,” he said. “People started off loathing him, then they started mocking him and then one day we woke up and thought: ‘Jesus Christ, he could actually win this.'”

Surely he thought, “Simon Cowell, he could actually win this.” Cowell is bigger. Right, Max:

Publicist Max Clifford believed people were voting to wind up Cowell. “The more Simon speaks out about them the way he does, the better it gets for them.”

The more media space they get the more people are familiar with them and the more likely they are to vote for them. Simon Cowell! John & Edward are Nick Griffin set to music!

But wait a moment. What’s this?

The Sun: “Simon loves Jedward”

SIMON Cowell secretly loves X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes and hatched a plot to turn them into megastars FOUR MONTHS ago, The Sun can reveal.

What’s this? The voting public is being duped? Louis and Simon are in this together!

Westlife’s Shane Filan said Simon and Louis showed footage of the boys to him and his bandmates in June, declaring: “They’re going to be massive.” And he said Simon knows the duo will have a big TV career even if they flop as pop stars.

Shane, 30, whose band is managed by Louis, the twins’ mentor, said: “We went with Louis to Simon’s house in LA and they took us to a room with a cinema and said, ‘We want to play you something.’ They played us John and Edward and Simon said, ‘They’re going to be massive.’ We were like, ‘Oh my god, they’ve gone crazy!’ It was when they did their first audition and they were asked where they’d be in ten years’ time and they were like, ‘We’re gonna be a bit older.’ And Simon said, ‘These are going to make it in the final 12.’

So it’s a fix. Cowell and Walsh are in an elite club of two that sets the agenda as to who wins their TV show.  And you trust the Sun to bring you the facts:

The Sun told this week how the twins scored the highest vote on last weekend’s show, while Simon’s act Danyl finished in the bottom two.

Only they didn’t. Rachel did. John & Edward came nearer the bottom than the top. Is the Sun in on this conspiracy to promote Jedward?

Irish Times: “The public’s guilty pleasure”

You can hear the editor screaming: “Get me a few hundred words on Jedward fast. A writer gets to work:

WE ARE ALWAYS more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess than to be praised for the 15 which we do possess.” Clearly, Mark Twain wasn’t an X Factor devotee, but his words are cannily spot-on when it comes to Dublin twins John and Edward Grimes. Talent – in musical terms anyway – doesn’t ooze from their collective pores, and some critics question whether they have any skills at all, let alone 15 of them.

Spot on, then. One thing we can agree on, and the writer can agree with himself on is this:

Cringey? Yes. Camp? Certainly. But it was so damn watchable, even if you had to peek through your fingers.

To win the show, Jedward need to be as awful as possible. Anorak has produced their playlist to ensure success. And do look at their look-alike gallery – your suggestions please…

Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Jedward: Free Halloween Mask For Every Reader

JEDWARD – X Factor agonists John & Edward Grime – and Halloween. The tabloids make the link.

Over the whispers we hear that Jedward have been to a doctor about their throats. No, not to see if they are still attached to their heads but to cure a soreness.

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Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Jedward: What John And Edward Will Sing To Win The X Factor

fielding_yvette2JOHN & Edward will be singing We Will Rock You on the X Factor next week. Not only will Thing 1 and Thing 2 be getting the audience to stamp their feet and clap their hands, but they will also be rapping. This is the Five version of the hit queen song.

It could not be more terrible. And its very awfulness will ensure that John & Edward move on step on to becoming this year’s X Factor champions.

Having so far performed Oops! I Did It Again by Britney Spears is a kak-footed, tuneless version of the singer that could see the lads make a fortune as musical impressionists, and a version of Ricky Martin’s La Vida Loca that was a brilliant parody of the Latino heartthrob who always threatens that he about to sing and dance but never quite erupts.

Indeed, Martin’s shtick of sticking a pose that suggests much more rhythm to come has been adopted by the X Factor’s Cheryl Cole who doesn’t dance so much as ape the Windmill Theatre’s tableaux vivants, stain stock still between swift jerks.

But we digress. The focus is on John & Edward., and what they will need to sign to win the show. What ever it is is has to be memorable. And because Jedward are awful it has to memorably awful.

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Posted: 30th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)


Jedward: X Factor John And Edward Look Alike Gallery

PD*31696479JOHN & Edward Grimes are exactly what the X Factor deserves. The pair now billed as Jedward, which makes them sound like an inbred period drama farm hand with a hump, will win the X Factor.

They have the X Factor. They may well have a missing X chromosome. And there lingers the faint possibility that they are not twins but husband and wife. Whatever, that are or are not, when Midwich Cuckoos: The Musical comes to the stage, John & Edward are shoo-in for all the parts.

But what if they are injured. Who will step into their shoes? Anorak has done a vox pop of X Factor watchers in various secure institutions and come up with the definitive list as to whom John & Edward look like, a bit or a lot.

Posted: 29th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


The X Factor’s Jedward Will Kill Us All Says Climate Change Expert

greenshirts2WANT to know how the X Factor could bring about not only war with China but the end of the entire planet? Writing in the Irish Times, John Gibbons tells you:

Time to discard our delusions and get real

Shows like the X Factor fuel the fantasy that anyone could, if they tried hard enough, be the next big thing. Positive thinking sounds innocuous, even benign, but it differs from cheerfulness or normal optimism in that it often extends to believing that the world is shaped by our wants and desires, and that these can be willed, genie-like, into existence.

Stick with it:

In Generation Me, psychologist Jean Twenge points out that “we simply take it for granted that we should all feel good about ourselves, we are all special and we all deserve to follow our dreams”. Over the last 25 years, international studies have tracked a strong rise in narcissistic belief among young people.

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Posted: 29th, October 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment