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Posts Tagged ‘Jennifer Aniston’

Jennifer Aniston is a born again virgin

Jennifer Aniston mcdonald's

HOW’S life treating unmarried middle-aged mum-of-none Jennifer Aniston*. This week, she’s eaten a McDonald’s:

“I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry. The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system.”

Poor Jen.

* How Old Mrs Anorak likes to describe Our Jen.

Posted: 4th, July 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Jennifer Aniston has had 25 children – wants to adopt more

Walk of Fame - Jennifer Aniston

JENNIFER Aniston’s womb has been occupying the font-page of the National Enquirer for years. The current issue tell us that Jen is “about to become a mom”. Jen is “telling friends she has abandoned her dream of conceiving twins… and now she wants to adopt”.

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Posted: 6th, March 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton’s love story told in magazine covers

ANGELINA Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (aka Poor Jen) are pillars of the tabloid magazines.The Brangelina industry is huge. The Jen-Brad-Angelina love triangle is a prism of untruth, half-truths and gossip. The saga of betrayal, love, sex romance, marriage, divorce, separation, reunion and rowing moves on with each deadline in the National Enquirer, In Touch and Star magazines. How much do we believe? What are the stories’ sources? Jolie can only adopt so many children; Pitt can only wear so many hats; Aniston can only toss her hair so much. But when the story has limits, the wily editor looks to cover emotions: Jen shocked; Jen hurt; Brad confused; Angelina furious and so on.

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Posted: 29th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Pregnant Jennifer Aniston not carrying lover Justin Theroux’s baby!

CAN it be true that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant but not by lover Justin Theroux?

The current issue of Now magazine says: “JUSTIN TELLS JEN ‘Give Up Brad Then I’ll GIVE You A Baby.'”

The current issue of the National Enquirer says: “JEN’S Pregnant – Expecting a Baby Girl next may.”

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Posted: 13th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The greatest line on Jennifer Aniston’s pregnancy ever (and photo)

IN the shadow lands between fact and fiction lies the National Enquirer. This week, the paper has news that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant. Had the Enquirer been right ever time it announced this happening on its cover “POOR Jen” would have been pregnant for nine years. Mindful of the guesswork, we read about “Aniston’s big announcement” – that only one news tabloid heard:

“There is already space for a nursery in Jennifer Aniston’s $21 million Bel Air, Calif., mansion.”

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Posted: 18th, September 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Celebrities made to look normal

EVER wondered that celebrities would look like if they wer photoshopped to look ‘normal’? Well, some bright sparks went to work and produced these images of Scarlett Johansson, ‘poor’ Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Madonna. They are all brilliant:

Spotter: LostEMinor

Posted: 15th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)


Angelina Jolie quits acting after Oscars ‘snub’ Jennifer Aniston?

ANGELINA Jolie is in a “jealous rage!” So say the National Enquirer. “Jolie FURY over Hollywood snub”.

The report is that Jolie is “in a ‘jealous rage’ over partner Brad Pitt’s triple Oscar nod”. A source says Jolie is “durious” that her film Land of Blood and Honey was not shortlisted for an Oscar”. She is “ready to walk away from her career in disgust”.

A source adds: “She feels like this is the last in a long line of snubs and she’s had enough.”

Is this the same Angelina Jolie who won as Oscar in 2000 and was shortlisted for another in 2009? We think it might be.

Of course, because this is the NE, Jolie shares the cover with Jennifer Aniston, an actress who has won no Oscars and received no nominations. As Ange simmers, Jennifer beams:

“JEN’S TRIPLE JOY”

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Posted: 31st, January 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Is Angelina Jolie carrying Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s baby? (Photos)

DEEP within the wombs of Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie, where tabloid fiction and fact merge to create new lifeforms, twins are brewing. The National Enquirer says Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. It asks: “Is Brad the father?”

The story is that Aniston’s manager Sue Mengers (who died last October) revealed that before Jen split with Brad the actress harvested some of his sperm. She did this not by the Liz Jones method, but collected the precious life force in a test tube which was then frozen.

So. Is Aniston pregnant with Brad’s sperm? Is Jen having twins? Will the twins have brittle hair and frozen Hollywood smiles?

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Posted: 4th, January 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Jennifer Aniston promises a grandchild for John

JENNIFER Aniston’s womb is finally ready to deliver a hair ball after a decade of waiting and watching. The National Enquirer says Aniston is to marry Justin Theroux. At the “dream” wedding Jen will be given away by her father, John Aniston. As the NE says:

“Jen then sealed the deal by promising John… that she’d make him a grandfather.”

For Jen, the post-Brad Pitt years – oh, hell, the pre-Brad Pitt years too – have been a rom-com about a middle-aged women with nice hair tilting her head to one side, doing a Stan Laurel look of bemusement and being the most chucked celebrity in the world not to have had a child.

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Posted: 29th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jennifer Aniston Traps Skinny Demi Moore In A Bagel

JENNIFER Aniston has “SAVED 90lb DEMI” Moore.

Not saved as in”she’ll keep…the bitch”, but saved, as in prevented from not eating and withering to nothing.

Aniston has form. In 2008, Grazia reported that Aniston had sent Courteney Cox a chef to “encourage Courtney to start eating better and more regularly”.

We were afforded an insight into the Cox-Aniston eating regime, and how they have indulged in “food mirroring”. Children under the age of seven may know this as “she’s copying me”.

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Posted: 6th, December 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Brad Pitt Says Marriage To Jennifer Aniston Is Like Being Stoned To A Slow Death

BRAD Pitt tells Parade that being married to Jennifer Aniston is like sitting on a sofa too stoned to move while being smothered by a wet blanket:

“I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage (to Aniston) had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

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Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jennifer Aniston Will Have Twins When She Counts Down To Zero

US Magazine says Jennifer Aniston is on a “Baby Countdown“. This is:

“JEN’S BABY COUNTDOWN”

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Posted: 24th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jennifer Aniston In Trouble For Gay Slur: Because Homophobia Is Good Box Office Unlike Racism

UH-OH! Jennifer Aniston is in a bit of trouble at the moment. No, it’s nothing to do with those thousands of episodes of Friends where she nearly had the whole world’s eye out thanks to a lack of bra under her vest, but rather, she’s said a homophobic slur.

Naturally, she’s isn’t some raging gay-basher, but rather, it is something she’s said in character.

Aniston plays a seductive dentist (sigh) called Dr Julia Harris in the new film, Horrible Bosses. In it, she tells her dental assistant:

“You’re starting to sound like a little faggot there, Dale.”

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Posted: 8th, July 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comments (4)


Jennifer Aniston Breast Cancer Drama: The Truth

CAN the National Enquirer beat OK! to the title of Most Disingenuous Front-Page Headline?

This week, the magazine of record has news of Jennifer Aniston:

“Jen Breast Cancer Drama!”

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Posted: 15th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jennifer Aniston’s A-Ha Moment: Muscle Memory Over A Chinois Salad

JENNIFER Aniston, a middle-aged woman on whom non-existent attributes are piled, is talking to OK! about herself.

Highlights:

“I’m really happy. Really! My version of happiness is where I’m sitting now.”

Even when she is unhappy she is happy!

“You just have to say it’s okay to be in a funk sometimes… You need the light and the dark.”

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Posted: 24th, March 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (14)


Jennifer Aniston’s Friends Sister Has Baby

IN OK! this week, you can learn about the “FRIENDS STAR” and her baby Sadie.

Friends had six main characters. The woman on the front looks like none of them.

Inside, we meet Christina Applegate, who appeared in TWO episodes of Friends.

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Posted: 23rd, February 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jennifer Aniston ‘Impregnated’ By Seven Men And Jessica Simpson’s Sheets

IN this week’s National Enquirer you can read about Jennifer Aniston’s “BABY BOMBSHELL”. If every Enquirer front-page screamer about Jen’s womb were true, she’d be the mother of 23 children.

As it is, Aniston has none. But she is trying, reportedly. Because the Enquirer has pictures of SEVEN men vying to impregnate the middle-aged hair model.

This is “her Daddy dilemma”. Beneath photos of Scott Stuber, Harry Morton, Josh Hopkins, John Mayer, Jason Sudeikis, Gerrard Butler and Chris Gartin, readers learn:

“One of these seven men WILL father her child”

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Posted: 14th, September 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Jennifer Aniston ‘Dates’ Turkey Baster As The Switch Hits The PR Machine

NO sooner have we seen Jennifer Aniston’s nipple (see gallery at foot of page), then she tells us that her nipples might be old and shaped like Angelina’s Jolie’s Circle Of Trust but they will feed the babies. Aniston is the star of The Switch, a film in which a middle-aged woman with nice hair and a turkey baster has a child without a father.

Aniston is usually romantically linked to her co-stars so watch out for her being goosed by a huge syringe and canoodling on beach with a Petri Dish.

For more on that read here.

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Posted: 11th, August 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jennifer Aniston’s ‘Non-Perfume’ Perfume Is Jolie Vanishing Cream: In Pictures

JENNIFER Aniston was at Harrod’s to set up a card table and launch her new signature scent, Lolavie (translation: “Why doesn’t he call?!), the “non-perfume perfume”. Aniston showed us the bottle. And it looked a lot like a perfume bottle. She posed before the sea-sprayed back and white photos. And they looked a lot like perfume ad photos. And then she squirted the stuff onto a photo of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and La Jolie vanished. One squit and she was gone! Lolavie also works on stains, bad breath and film critics…

jennifer aniston perfume

Picture 1 of 15

Hollywood actress Jennifer Aniston launches her first fragrance, Jennifer Aniston, at Harrods, London.

Posted: 21st, July 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jennifer Aniston’s Lola Vie Is The Smell Of Nothing And Silence

JENNIFER Aniston’s new perfume Lola Vie (translation: Why Doesn’tHe Call?) reveals that she smells of cardboard, disinfectant and bubble wrap. It is, as the actress says, “an extension of myself”.

While Old Mr Anorak details one of his Latvian guards to put down her pole and clean out the Celebrity Store Room (find Anthea Turner in Room 54b, pass Little ‘n’ Large and before Tracey Scoggins) we read the poetry that describes Aniston’s scent Lolavie as “sexy and clean and floral, but not too flowery.”

Jennifer Aniston smells like the staffroom at Laura Ashley.

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Posted: 20th, July 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston’s Baby News Shocker

BRAD Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are involved in a “BABY SHOCKER”.

The full National Enquirer’s front-page teaser tells us:

“HER PREGNANCY NEWS TEARS HIM APART”

And get a load of “ANGIE’S STUNNING REACTION”.

The full news is that Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant. And she is, moreover, not pregnant by Brad Pitt. Aniston is also not pregnant by Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, Orville the Duck, Prince Harry nor Lassie, with whom she shares a hairdresser, who also has not impregnated the actress.

Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt – A Romance

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Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt during the premiere of the new movie from The Weinstein Company "Inglourious Basterds", held at Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Los Angeles

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Posted: 6th, July 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jennifer Aniston’s Dangerous Online Dating Game: Brad Pitt Reacts

BRAD Pitt has “freaked out” over Jennifer Aniston’s “SHOCKING LOVE GAMES!” The National Enquirer pictures Brad with his beard that looks as if he’s peering through an old nanny’s (goat) legs and Aniston fiddling with her hair, as is her wont.

Angelina Jolie (NSFW)

Inside the magazine, and Brad is telling Jen to stoop playing “dangerous games” with her love life. News is that Jen has been looking for love on the web. Yep, that “ambitious, needy, middle-aged divorcee with own shampoo” is, allegedly, Jennifer Aniston looking for the real deal.

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Posted: 2nd, June 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment


Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Marry And Jennifer Aniston Finds That Nail

JENNIFER Aniston is in “agony”. And Angelina Jolie is marrying Brad Pitt. The Enquirer’s front page hints at these two shockers being related.

When we first read it we supposed Gerard Butler had lost a finger nail up Aniston’s crevice. But inside the magazine in the know we find out that Aniston is set to have her heart broken by Brad marrying Angelina.

It turns out that Aniston’s heart was not broken by Brad Pitt dumping her, divorcing her and then – oh, yes, reader – only then shagging Angelina Jolie and touring the globe as a divine force of good.

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Posted: 27th, April 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (15)


Angelina Jolie’s Horror Skirt And Jennifer Aniston Saves A Kitten

IS this baby Number 7 for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? The National Enquirer wonders. The story of the story is ringed in red ink: a large dotted circle about Jolie’s abdomen. Is she pregnant?

Well, if she is it’s preferable to the alternatives that she’s putting on weight, wearing a bad skirt?

While we have a heated debate about Jolie’s womb, the Enquirer does as ever it does and shares the Bragelina-themed front-page news with a story of Jennifer Aniston.

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Posted: 20th, April 2010 | In: National Enquirer | Comment


Jennifer Aniston’s Car ‘Kiss’ With Brad Pitt And ‘Bill’

WITH the National Enquirer in a News of The World libel case induced Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hiatus, InTouch stands alone in revealing stuff about Brangelina. The front-page news is:

“JEN & BRAD CAUGHT KISSING”

No, not the mirror,  or babies or their PRs. Caught kissing each other – well, so a “bodyguard” clauims.

Angelina Jolie Pictures (NSFW)

“I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch…

Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says.

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Posted: 7th, April 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment


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