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Joan Rivers Needs To Move In With Victoria Beckham

JOAN Rivers lives with her daughter and grandchild Cooper. Or to put it another way, Melissa Rivers lives with her mum.

This coughs up the potential for comedy. And a reality TV show called Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? But it’s not real because Joan lives with Melissa only four days of the week when the cameras are rolling. When they shut off Joan flies back to New York. We learn this in a Hello! photoshoot, in which Joan looks like a life-size Franklin Mint Doll.

But Joan plays the party line. She says she moved in when she realised that at her college reunion people were dancing with urns. Joan is no china urn – but she does have a porcerline complexion: smooth, brittle and flawless.

Melissa looks much the same, albebt in a darker buscuity coating. Also, Melissa is more LA: she says that the show is “organic“.

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Posted: 18th, October 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Joan Collins On The Rise Of Yob Culture And Swearing At Old Cows

JOAN Collins has been plugging her book The World According To Joan in the Daily Mail.

Never one to mince her words, Joan Collins uses her brilliantly incendiary new book, The World According To Joan, to unleash her rage at the state of modern Britain. Here, in our second exclusive extract, Joan rails against the rise of yob culture and the loss of the good manners that once defined us as a nation.

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Posted: 16th, September 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Joan Collins On Being Raped By Her Future Husband And Fat Titless Chinamen In Shift Dresses

JOAN Collins has written a book: The World According To Joan. It’s being serialised in the Mail. Joan and the Mail are natural bedfellows:

On dresses:

“All women look awful in shift dresses, even Nicole Kidman. You’ve gotta be totally titless for them to work.”

On Maxwell Reed:

“I only married him because I was so embarrassed that he had taken my virginity… I was 18 going on 13, that is how young people were in the Fiftiess… Maxwell picked me up at Hyde Park Corner Tube station in a powder-blue Buick. It was amazing for me. He was my favourite movie-star. I remember I was wearing a black skirt and a polo neck, with a yellow jacket. He took me to a place called the Country Club in Hanover Square. We walked up lots of stairs to a small, candle-lit apartment where he asked me what I wanted to drink and gave me a rum and Coke. It was a Mickey Finn. I was drugged. You must think I am a moron. Oh, this is such a horrible story. He said: ‘I am going to have a bath,’ which I thought was very strange. He then said: ‘Take a look at this book, I think you will find it interesting. Of course, it was full of disgusting, pornographic photographs. Now, any smart girl today would have got out of there and run down those stairs faster than a speeding bullet, but not little innocent, stupid Joan Collins, who stayed there and looked at the book. The next thing I knew, I was on the sofa and that was it. Then I was throwing up into a bucket.”

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Posted: 21st, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Joan Collins Advertises Her New York Flat In Hello! – The Expensive Real Estate Mag

JOAN Collins has found a new use for Hello! magazine in these recession-hit times. Joan is using the organ (£2 an issue!) to market her New York home.

Says Joan:

“I’ve got to cut back to three houses.”

Joan is never more at home in her grande dame brand than talking riches with a tongue engorged in her cheek. Joan stands to one side to allows readers to see the room. She adds:

“We had 40 people in this room but it didn’t feel in the slightest bit crowded.”

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Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Joan Collins Knows That True Glamour Costs

JOAN Collins’ dress, by Lebanese designer Georges Hobeika, was so tight she felt “woozy” at the post-Oscars Vanity Fair party. Collins took her glamour to an ambulance, possibly carried by a tribute of matinee idols. She then went to hospital, where she pulled on a handmade, bejeweled gown, lay on  bed and with the back of one wrist resting on her forehead declared, “I’m ready.”

Jordan could learn a lot from Joany about what real clamour costs.

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Posted: 2nd, March 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

In Pictures: When Joan Collins Met Debbie Reynolds

WHEN Joan Collins met Debbie Reynolds backstage after Debbie’s one woman show, Alive and Fabulous, at the Apollo Theatre in London, we were there. We were not there when Edgar Allan Poe met Charles Dickens, when Sir Richard Burton hooked up with Brigham Young, when Thomas Stafford & Alexei Leonov met in space, when Henry Stanley & David Livingstone and when Adam met Eve. But we were there when Joan Collins met Debbie Reynolds…

Joan Collins’ Career (NSFW)


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Joan Collins meets Debbie Reynolds (right) backstage after Debbie's one woman show, Alive and Fabulous, at the Apollo Theatre in London.

Posted: 30th, April 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

In Pictures: Grace Kelly: Style Icon Exhibition Arrives In London’s V&A

JOAN Collins was the star turn at the Victoria & Albert Museum in central London, for a private viewing of ‘Grace Kelly: Style Icon‘, an exhibition about the life of Princess Grace of Monaco. Also there was walking raindrop Ringo Starr arrives and his wife Barbara, Charlene Wittstock and Prince Albert of Monaco, the tireless (it says here) Countess of Wessex, and the The Weed In Tweed that is Prince Edward.


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Joan Collins arrives at the private view of Grace Kelly: Style Icon, at the Victoria and Albert Museum in central London.

Also there: Nancy Dell’Olio, Dasha Zhukova, Danielle De Niese, Paul Smith Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach

Posted: 16th, April 2010 | In: Fashion | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Katie Price Beats Britney Spears And Suri Cruise To Media Award

Joan Collins and the Daily Mail find a way to namecheck Peter Andre, Katie Price, Big Brother, Jade Goody, Peter Andre, Kerry Katona, Dannii Minogue, the X Factor, Britney Spears, Suri Cruise and just about any other celebrity you want to read about…

A TRULY brilliant story on the Mail’s front page, as it uses a picture of Katie Price to highlight its, er, “NONENTITIES” awards.

Yep. Katie Price is such a nonentity she is now reduced to appearing on the Mail’s front page. Even the Daily Star doesn’t bother with her, leading instead with Umar Abdulmutallab and the war on terror.

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Posted: 29th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Joan Collins Turns Boris Johnson Into Michael Winner

IT’S London Fashion Week, in which London’s fashionable get to sit on small, lightweight chairs by long, thin stages and guess whose will creak the most, and least.

At the Caroline Charles show, at the BFC tent at Somerset House in central London, local mayor Boris Johnson got a front-row seat for his seat, and looked about as comfortable as a hamster with its teeth removed in Toa Bora caves.

But then Joan Collins arrived, and Johnson looked a like a less smoky version of Michael Winner.

Here are the pictures. Mind where you’re looking, Boris. It’s a runway for high end fashion and serious clothes, not a Spectator magazine casting call…

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Money | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0