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Posts Tagged ‘Joaquin Phoenix’

‘Joaquin Phoenix Is Possessed,’ Claims 14th Century Saint

AS some of you know, I am most interested in the thoughts of the 14th Century St Catherine of Siena, presently channelled through the US medium Elizabeth Baron. Several weeks ago St Catherine accused the Catholic Church of ignoring its child sex scandals. Now, in Elizabeth’s latest newsletter, Catherine turns her attention to… Joaquin Phoenix.

I must confess that Joaquin (pronounced ‘Wackin’) is not high on my meditation list; actually he’s not on it at all. Hollywood Hellraisers are an especially tiresome breed who invariably end up making World War 2 movies with cirrhotic cigar-chewing soulmates. Yet St C is most concerned about our Joaquin.

Apparently he’s possessed.

“Unfortunately,” begins the saint, “when he took the role of the troubled Johnny Cash [in Walk the Line, in 2005], Johnny’s spirit decided to possess him.  This troubled singer was one of the kindest men you would ever know and left this world with beautiful songs to remember him by; however, the guilt his father caused him over the death of his brother made him a very sick and troubled soul.”

She adds:  “This beautiful man, Joaquin Phoenix’s soul is sharing with a man who had similar tragedies in his life and he must have an exorcism.  With the proper exorcism, he can get rid of the addictive lifestyle and also allow the spirit of the great Johnny Cash to leave his body and go into the Light, where he can reincarnate as one of his grandchildren.”

All this may be so but it does leave me wondering whether Elizabeth Grant is starting to confuse her Perez Hilton-ish immersion in tabloid tales – perhaps she subscribes to troubled In Touch magazine – with the concerns of her spirit guide. An exorcism “must be Joaquin’s greatest priority,” St C concludes, “because he has great work to do in the future…”

While my good friend Father Merrin ponders this challenge, I wonder what “great work” awaits Joaquin. I’m sure he could play cosmologist and God-denier Stephen Hawking CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA. This role would at least save us Joaquin’s painful acting techniques – he’d just have to swivel his eyeballs and arrange his legs all over the place – unless he insisted on fantasy sex sequences sans wheelchair and text-to-speech engine.

The risk of course is he might end up possessed again, even if Professor Hawking is still with us. But, first, Johnny Cash…


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Actors James Caan (C) with co-stars Mark Wahlberg (L) and Joaquin Phoenix, at the premiere of their latest film 'The Yards' at the Cannes Film Festival, France.

Posted: 6th, October 2010 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)

Linsday Lohan And Mischa Barton’s Death Battle

img005FOR the first time in weeks, the National Enquirer leads with no picture of Angelina Jolie. And she should not be downhearted because the cover is dominated by the headline: “WHO’LL DIE FIRST?

Readers are invited to pick from Mischa Barton, Kirstie Alley, Lindsay Lohan, Robin Williams, Whitney Houston, Tori Spelling, The Hoff, Pamela Anderson and Simon Cowell.

With no dead star for a while, the NE is inviting readers to help it decide which obits to have ready by pressing F1 to F9 on the keyboard.

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Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: National Enquirer | Comment

Billy Bob Thornton Presents The Most Awkward Celebrity Interviews Ever

ANORAK brings you the Most AWakwards celebroty interviews ever.

In 1963, the Irish writer Desmond Leslie – enraged by a nasty review of his wife’s latest play – was able to infiltrate the audience of David Frost’s studio discussion show, march up to offending reviewer Bernard Levin and land a superb left hook on his nose in front of 11 million viewers.

“Just a minute Mr Levin, this will only take a minute,” Leslie had said with impeccable politeness before unleashing a blow described by The Times as “the most public punch since Sonny Liston took the heavyweight title from Floyd Patterson”.

Billy Bob said he was upset because Ghomeshi referred to his acting career in the introduction to the interview. He said he’d told the producer to focus on the band and not mention his acting.

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Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)