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X Factor: Jedward, John & Edward Grimes, Are Voted Out At Last

befksnwmkkgrhquokjseq5tokycvbk7zjwyq_12X Factor: Jedward, John & Edward, Are Voted Out. They are booed by the crowd.

The X Factor loses another warbling wannabe. And it’s Jedward.

The Duracell Gonks are in the sing off with Olly Murs, the man with a name like a contagion. They are toast. They are on their way to becoming a footnote in a TV history, a pub quiz question.

Jedward are two untalented, precocious, hard to like, over-exposed singing gonks who are part of a sick TV experiment to see what point Simon Cowell’s powers of deception wane and the masses rub their eyes and realise they are being served up crap.

C owell and Louis Walsh are like Mortimer and Randolph Duke in Trading Places, playing with people for entertainmnt.

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Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)


X Factor: Lucie Jones’ Freudian Masterclass

john-and-edward4AS Lucie Jones heads to Stockport, to turn on the Christmas lights, and Jedward are served up as entertainment, we round-up the latest bout of X Factor news:

Says Lucie Jones:

I think the harder they work, the better they are. I’ve never known anyone to work as hard as they did last week with Ghostbusters. If I hear that song one more time, I swear my head might pop off.”

And when Lucie’s head has popped off, it can be replaced with a John & Edward head. There are more then 20 John & Edward’s already in existence. Join us. Before they join you.

Lucie Jones is still talking, through her own head:

They deserve to be in it. The ‘sing-off’ song was so entertaining last night and they absolutely killed it, and I was proud to know them.”

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Posted: 9th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


X Factor: Jedward, John & Edward, Are Voted Out, But Then

john-and-edward3X FACTOR: Jedward are out. John & Edward Grimes are gone. They are voted off. They are toast. Surely. Only…

The two in the sing off are Lucie Jones, representing Wales, and John & Edward Grimes, representing a small factory in suburban Nanjing, China.

Can Jedward survive? No. They can’t. They return to Mr Clon. E’s Jelly Mould & Couplings factory to be realigned and turned into something that can hang from your car’s rear view mirror.

Lucie sings on… But nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Simon Cowell saves them by undoing all his guff about it being a singing show and how crap Jedward are by keeping them in.

He has no idea how the public voted. Yeah really. And the Pope has no ideas he has a balcony. It’s all teary and huggy and hideous at Simon Cowell’s pop factory.

He chews them up and he spits them out. The Jedward look-alike gallery now follows:

Posted: 8th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (19)


X Factor’s John & Edward Grimes’ Novelty Record Top Ten

john-and-edward2YESTERDAY, Anorak began its campaign to have the X Factor twosome John & Edward Grimes, aka Jedward, record a novelty record and, with luck and a following wind, take it to No.1 in time for Christmas.

To give them a clue as to the levels expected to them, we deliver the Top Ten Novelty Records Of All Time.

Can John & Edward Grimes join this elite band of cheap and chirpy talents? Join hands in a Millennium Prayer that they do:

10. On Top of Spaghetti,  Tom Glazer & the Do Re Mi Children’s Choir.

Tapping into rich vein of laughing at foreingers. As performed on Noel Edmond’s Swap Shop – more from him later:

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Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


X Factor: Teacher Shows Danyl Johnson And Olly Murs How To Quit

idols14X FActor wananber Danyl Johnson is a teacher. Toby Moulton on Australian Idol shows him, John & Edward, Lloyd Daniels, Olly Murs and every other wannabe that singing might not be for them. A look at the X Factor show judges Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole suggests singing is not for them either – it’s just a gateway to the fame, riches and adulation.

Says Toby: “I now know you I am – I’m a teacher.”

It could be mawkish. The audience goes wild. But the man’s point is well made. You’ve got to want it to get on in Simon Cowell’s pop prep school. And wanting it can override any need for talent.

Toby Moulton did not want it enough. He knew his own mind. Simon Cowell knows his own mind. His acts seem to have left their minds at the door…

Posted: 2nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment


X Factor: John & Edward Come Clean On Drugs, Sex, Drink And Olly Murs

erasure1THE Star would like to tell you about John And Edward Grimes’ who tells us: “WE’RE THE SIN TWINS.”

Shock X Factor favourites John and Edward Grimes have lifted the lid on their sex, drugs and booze demons.

That would be Jedward (22-1, Betfair) who are right now sixth favourites to win the contest our of 8 acts, less liked than only the dire Lloyd Daniels (40-1, Coral) and the gushing Rachel Adedeji (30-1, BlueSquare). Favourite to win the show is Olly Murs.

Wit that fact cleared up, what about that sex, drugs and booze? Time to come clean – and get clean – lads:

The teenage twins say they know all about the dangers of the showbiz world. And, in an exclusive interview with the Daily Star Sunday, the brothers revealed how temptation has already come their way.

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Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


X Factor: Cheeky Girls Say John And Edward Lack Artistic Value

cheeky-girlsWANT to know if Jedward, the X Factor’s John & Edward will make it? And by make it we mean date a minor LibDem MP and invite proctologists, both pro and amateur, to touch their bums.

The Cheeky Girls, the East European siblings who only look like a lap dancers say Jedward will “never make it”. The Cheeky Girls say John & Edward lack the “artistic value” to make it big in the pop world as singing twins.

But can they get the artistic value, or at least a small pair of knickers?

Monica and Gabriela Irimia arose to your attention to Popstars, the X Factor forerunner that created will Young, Gareth Gates and Girls Aloud.

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Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Jedward Do The X Factor: The Most Amazing Things About John & Edward Mania

jedwardX FACTOR  Watch – Jedward special: Simon Cowell fixed it for Jedward, Halloween and bust, swine flu, Robbie Williams supports, Noel Gallagher cheers, JLS are on  message, Danyl Johnson votes John & Edward, the look-alikes and Jedward sing YMCA…

ON the front pages of the Mirror, Sun and Star, each time dressed as vampires ready to administer a love bite to anyone close enough, and so create another Jedward clone, the brothers Grimes introduce Halloween.

The Mirror: “X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes may be too sick to perform”

The sick so-and-sos. What they gone and done now?

Simon Cowell’s prayers could be answered – terrible twins John and Edward have been SILENCED by raging sore throats.

If they can’t sing, John & Edward get a pass through to the next round. Happily, Queen’s We Will Rock You is along with YMCA the world’s big semaphore hit and John & Edward can still perform with camping and foot stamping while stood on a large rock.

But the Brothers Grimes are now bona fide celebrities and a sore throat is not enough. As stars they demands more:

THE X Factor twins have been struck down with “flu-like” symptoms – just 24 hours after The Sun revealed the pair were at risk from swine flu.

Belfast Telegraph: “X Factor: Would you vote for the Grimes brothers?”

At his BBC Electric Proms performance last week Robbie stunned the crowd when he told them: “Go for the twins. John and Edward all the way.”

Well, if you can’t stun the crowd with your singing your new song that sounds like a composite blend of your own song with lyrics penned by an angst-riddled teenager, knock them bandy with something else.

And it’s not only Robbie Williams who likes Jedward:

Last year’s X Factor runners-up JLS have also given them the thumbs up, and even Noel Gallagher is reported to be behind them.

You imagine X Factor runners-up JLS like them because it reflects well on them to support a special needs act, and Noel Gallagher likes them because it’s pretty much what Simon Cowell’s pop factory deserves.

X Factor favourite Danyl Johnson, who is being mentored by their nemesis Simon Cowell, has revealed that he’s been voting to keep the twins in.

Danyl Johnson is so desperate to be likes he votes for John & Edward and then let’s this fact be know to the world at large. Others need John & Edward to remind the rest of us that they exist:

And John and Edward have also won the support of Big Brother reject Becky Shiner, who waited outside the X Factor house for hours to see them.

And to be seen.

The Guardian: “X Factor twins John and Edward pin victory hope on talent for publicity”

Simon Cowell described them as “vile little creatures who would step on their mother’s head to have a hit” and vowed to leave the country and sulk for six months if they won. Cheryl Cole said they could neither sing nor dance (“fact”) and more than 181,000 people joined a Facebook hate group in their name.

Hundreds of journalists quite about them.

“It’s been Jedward mania this week,” said Sam Delaney, the editor of Heat. “We’ve hit the tipping point. It’s up there with Bros mania, or Take That at their peak.” Delaney said the rise of JedwoodJohn and Edward mirrored the ascent of another upwardly mobile public figure. “There are parallels here with David Cameron,” he said. “People started off loathing him, then they started mocking him and then one day we woke up and thought: ‘Jesus Christ, he could actually win this.'”

Surely he thought, “Simon Cowell, he could actually win this.” Cowell is bigger. Right, Max:

Publicist Max Clifford believed people were voting to wind up Cowell. “The more Simon speaks out about them the way he does, the better it gets for them.”

The more media space they get the more people are familiar with them and the more likely they are to vote for them. Simon Cowell! John & Edward are Nick Griffin set to music!

But wait a moment. What’s this?

The Sun: “Simon loves Jedward”

SIMON Cowell secretly loves X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes and hatched a plot to turn them into megastars FOUR MONTHS ago, The Sun can reveal.

What’s this? The voting public is being duped? Louis and Simon are in this together!

Westlife’s Shane Filan said Simon and Louis showed footage of the boys to him and his bandmates in June, declaring: “They’re going to be massive.” And he said Simon knows the duo will have a big TV career even if they flop as pop stars.

Shane, 30, whose band is managed by Louis, the twins’ mentor, said: “We went with Louis to Simon’s house in LA and they took us to a room with a cinema and said, ‘We want to play you something.’ They played us John and Edward and Simon said, ‘They’re going to be massive.’ We were like, ‘Oh my god, they’ve gone crazy!’ It was when they did their first audition and they were asked where they’d be in ten years’ time and they were like, ‘We’re gonna be a bit older.’ And Simon said, ‘These are going to make it in the final 12.’

So it’s a fix. Cowell and Walsh are in an elite club of two that sets the agenda as to who wins their TV show.  And you trust the Sun to bring you the facts:

The Sun told this week how the twins scored the highest vote on last weekend’s show, while Simon’s act Danyl finished in the bottom two.

Only they didn’t. Rachel did. John & Edward came nearer the bottom than the top. Is the Sun in on this conspiracy to promote Jedward?

Irish Times: “The public’s guilty pleasure”

You can hear the editor screaming: “Get me a few hundred words on Jedward fast. A writer gets to work:

WE ARE ALWAYS more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess than to be praised for the 15 which we do possess.” Clearly, Mark Twain wasn’t an X Factor devotee, but his words are cannily spot-on when it comes to Dublin twins John and Edward Grimes. Talent – in musical terms anyway – doesn’t ooze from their collective pores, and some critics question whether they have any skills at all, let alone 15 of them.

Spot on, then. One thing we can agree on, and the writer can agree with himself on is this:

Cringey? Yes. Camp? Certainly. But it was so damn watchable, even if you had to peek through your fingers.

To win the show, Jedward need to be as awful as possible. Anorak has produced their playlist to ensure success. And do look at their look-alike gallery – your suggestions please…

Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Jedward: What John And Edward Will Sing To Win The X Factor

fielding_yvette2JOHN & Edward will be singing We Will Rock You on the X Factor next week. Not only will Thing 1 and Thing 2 be getting the audience to stamp their feet and clap their hands, but they will also be rapping. This is the Five version of the hit queen song.

It could not be more terrible. And its very awfulness will ensure that John & Edward move on step on to becoming this year’s X Factor champions.

Having so far performed Oops! I Did It Again by Britney Spears is a kak-footed, tuneless version of the singer that could see the lads make a fortune as musical impressionists, and a version of Ricky Martin’s La Vida Loca that was a brilliant parody of the Latino heartthrob who always threatens that he about to sing and dance but never quite erupts.

Indeed, Martin’s shtick of sticking a pose that suggests much more rhythm to come has been adopted by the X Factor’s Cheryl Cole who doesn’t dance so much as ape the Windmill Theatre’s tableaux vivants, stain stock still between swift jerks.

But we digress. The focus is on John & Edward., and what they will need to sign to win the show. What ever it is is has to be memorable. And because Jedward are awful it has to memorably awful.

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Posted: 30th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)


X Factor: John & Edward Perform Live Duet With Miming Britney Spears

john-edwardX FACTOR Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance looks at X Factor in the news: Louis Walsh mocks Cheryl Cole’s singing, Simon Cowell vows to spend more time in the sun, and John & Edward do Britney Spears too well.

Daily Mirror (front page): “YOU’RE TWIN FREAKS – Cowell savage John & Ed”

Savages? He’d never risk his teeth.

“This X Factor is the hardest one to call,” he says, still reeling from Danyl deffo-not-a-bully-deffo-still-would Johnson being in the bottom two last weekend. “The twins are completely deluded and live in fantasy land but they are lovely. They thought Britney would watch their performance and wanted to invite Robbie to their party.”

John & Edward performed a live version of a Britney Spears song. The performance was every bit as good as the original, save for the boys failing to dry hump the stage, not miming and omitting the Max Wall tribute.

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Posted: 30th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


The X Factor’s Jedward Will Kill Us All Says Climate Change Expert

greenshirts2WANT to know how the X Factor could bring about not only war with China but the end of the entire planet? Writing in the Irish Times, John Gibbons tells you:

Time to discard our delusions and get real

Shows like the X Factor fuel the fantasy that anyone could, if they tried hard enough, be the next big thing. Positive thinking sounds innocuous, even benign, but it differs from cheerfulness or normal optimism in that it often extends to believing that the world is shaped by our wants and desires, and that these can be willed, genie-like, into existence.

Stick with it:

In Generation Me, psychologist Jean Twenge points out that “we simply take it for granted that we should all feel good about ourselves, we are all special and we all deserve to follow our dreams”. Over the last 25 years, international studies have tracked a strong rise in narcissistic belief among young people.

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Posted: 29th, October 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment


X Factor: Danyl Johnson Saved By Stacey Solomon

danyl-johnson-8AND it came to pass that the X Factor did some down to Miss Frank, a would-be drag act named after a boutique in the Poole Arndale Centre, and Danyl Johnson, the Bronze Age Will Young.

Both acts are vastly superior to non-singing, non-dancing Lloyd Daniels and Return To Oz extras John & Edward.

Was Danyl undone by the story of his making Stacey Solomon cry? We waited. The judges would decide. Who stays?

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Posted: 25th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)


X Factor Finalists John & Edward Scare Sick Children For Charity

michael-jackson-thrillerTIME for an X Factor Tribute to Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, and latterly the King of Prop(ofol).

What might be the best way to pay homage to the singer who, if Lloyd Daniels has the X Factor, surely had the XXX Factor? Dr Conrad Murray saying Jackson died from an acute bout of Olly Murs? Pub singer Jamie Archer dressing as a human sambuca? A Halloween rendition of Thriller with John & Edward coming as they are?

Later. For now, the The X Factor finalists are to release a cover (aka inferior copy) of Michael Jackson’s You Are Not Alone to – get this – raise money for Great Ormond Street Hospital.

Kids, you are not alone. Michael Jackson’s here. As Sky News reports:

Simon Cowell is urging fans of the show to buy the record to help sick children

And to help third-rate singers who are barely out of school.

In other X Factor news:

Wales Online, Nathan Bevan: “DRUGS can do funny things to a person.”

See above.

Take my uncle Iestyn for example. Someone once bet him to lick the top of the cistern down the toilets of his local and he ended up crawling round the dancefloor backwards, his trousers and pants down and barking like a dog.
To compound that image still further, I should probably tell you that Iestyn also has a pair of eyes tattooed on his buttocks. I can’t blame that on drugs though, he had them done years ago…

But I digress.

What I actually wanted to talk to you about was Whitney Houston on X Factor.

Make the link…

Posted: 25th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


The X Factor 12: The Infectious Olly Murs, Bronze Age Danyl Johnson And Acid Kandy Rain

hateWE’RE down to the last dozen in the X Factor. Anorak gives you pen portraits of the runners and riders:

OVER 25s

Olly Murs – Say his name quickly and it sounds like a child hood infection. “Oh, yes,” says the mum at the school gates. “He’s got Olly Murs, all over his back and groin.” One day everyone will want Olly Murs. But with Robbie Williams still around that day is not any time soon.

Danyl Johnson – That Danyl spells his name with a ‘y’ is the first and second most interesting thing about him. The third most remarkable thing is that when he sings he actually makes himself wince. He also looks like a Bronze Age version of Will Young trying to light a fire with his stare.

Jamie Archer – Jamie has huge hair. Vote now and often to keep Jamie on the stage so that no-one ever has to sit behind him at a concert, film or on a bus.

BOYS

Joe McElderry – The north east’s answer Marti Pellow – if the question was, “What’s wetter than Marti Pellow?”

Lloyd Daniels – Blessed with an expression that says he left his geography homework on the bus and doesn’t care who knows it. Lloyd Daniels sounds a bit like Danielle Lloyd, the nation’s sweetheart. Look out for Lloyd taking his top off and setting off on a jinking run through the Spurs ladies football team.

Rikki Loney – He’s the cat in the hat. Rikki wears a hat because a) he’s going bald; b) it was his dying mum’s last wish; c) anything that distract you from his voice is worth a try; d) it’s what Michael Jackson would have wanted.

GIRLS

Stacey Solomon – The winner.

Rachel Adedegi – Devoid of the girly prettiness that the likes of her mentor Dannii Minogue pays big bucks for, Rachel needs to actually rely on her singing to win the X Factor. As such, she is shafted – but looks more than capable of wiping the smirk from any winner’s face – literally (right, Dermot?).

Lucie Jones – Lucie is Welsh. The Welsh, as we are often told are to singing what the Canadians are to seal clubbing. Lucie’s Welshness should secure her lots of votes from her army of Welsh fans who will drape themselves in dragon-themed flags to say how proud they are of Lucie, how all of Wales is praying for her and how Wales – did we mention wales? – is all about the singing, as anyone who has heard Cardiff fans giving full throat to “He’s sad, he’s fat, He is a f*cking twat, Leighton James, Leighton James…” will tunefully attest.

GROUPS

Kandy Rain – They used to be strippers. One of them used to do porn. If you thought stripping porn stars couldn’t sing you have not heard Kandy Rain. One listen and you’ll know…

Miss Frank – The name suggests a drag act. The music suggests being dragged out to a drunken night in a local karaoke bar.

John & Edward – When they Come to make Midwich Cuckoos The Musical, John and Edward will be shoo-ins for at least two of the lead roles. Hateful. Terrible. Depressing. Pretty much why the show is a hit.

The X Factor – making tomorrow’s has-beens…

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment