Katie Price Is Dead And Peter Andre Weeps

KATIE Price is dead and Jordan rises from the dusty rack of the clothes at the back of the cupboard, resurrected like a zombie that thanks to lashing of silicon, collagen and wood stain will never age. She remains impervious – and impermeable – to change.

So who does the press cover this waking of the dead?

Sun (front page): “Jordan’s mum: Pete’s a cry baby”

Beside a picture of Jordan’s smiling mum, Amy, readers learn:

But Amy, 56, sneered: “He wanted this divorce, he instigated it, and he got what he wanted. So why is he upset? He’s crying. That’s normal, he’s emotional.” She added: “Katie’s fine.”

Peter Andre “normal”, says Jordan mum!

What about the Star, can it imptove the narrative?

Daily Star: “Jordan club attack terror”

Having survived a threat to be cut up by Jordan, Jessica Brown continues to track the most evil woman on the face of the Earth:

Hate-figure Jordan came under attack yesterday by a gang of drunken clubbers who screamed at her: “We love Pete!”

Given that Jordan is pictured looking like a copper-finished, fossilised version of Rachel Welch in One Million Years BC, that headline club promised much.

And the new man in her life – hunky Anthony Lowther, 28 – dressed as Tarzan to show off his bulging muscles.

The attention-seeking couple caused a storm in the Boho club – finding themselves the target of ridicule.

One girl started singing: “Who let the dogs out?” and another shouted within earshot of Jordan: “Ain’t you a bit old to be in that swimsuit, love?”

Revenge is dish best served in print, with quotes gleaned from anonymous sources.

What about this news man, Andrew Lowther, he of the bulbous chests and Tango-toned skin?

Daily Mirror: “Jordan’s latest guy Anthony Lowther tells about holiday affair and hard partying”
Tom Bryant tells us:

Speaking at 4am from the BoHo club in San Antonio, 28-year-old model Anthony said: Were having great time together. I really love her, shes a very sexy girl. Everyone’s saying were boyfriend and girlfriend but were just having a bit of fun.

So the man with the excitable hair and the hairless and braless chests is not her boyfriend?

As the Sun’s glassy-eyed Alex West says:

JORDAN’S hunky new fella spoke for the first time about their holiday fling yesterday and admitted: “She’s really sexy.”

But 6ft 2in Anthony Lowther – dressed as a CAVEMAN for a wild club night out – said he found it “scary” to be described as the busty glamour girl’s boyfriend.

Over in the Mail, the mood is of deep shame and disgust:

Daily Mail:

“She needn’t have bothered with her cover-up, which was hardly suitable for a day out. The loosely crocheted shawl hid nothing from view, as attention-seeking Katie probably intended.”

See pictures of Jordan, which allow Mail readers to be disgusted in the privacy of their own loos. See pictures of Jordan everywhere.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)