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Killer Giant Piranha Hiding In British River

piranhaGREAT news for staycationers is that a giant piranha has been found in the river Torridge, Devon.

The better news is that the fish was dead and is “thought to have been an abandoned pet“.

So a fish fancier tossed their dead piranha into the river and ran off, possibly laughing. Right? Wrong. The Guardian senses a scare story in the making:

Its discovery will add, however, to experts’ anxieties about non-native wildlife being introduced to the UK.

Will it? What it tells us is that the Environment Agency, the vested interest group that told the press about the dead fish, is using the dead fish to prove some kind of point, presumably that non-native species introduced to the UK die.

Eddie Stevens, one of the EA’s three-man monitoring team, said they were “left open-mouthed by their discovery”.

“What we actually came across was something which we would not expect to find in our wildest dreams. We could hardly believe our eyes.”

In your wildest dream you might expect to find a mermaid riding Loch Ness. In beyond your wildest dreams you may expect to find a mermaid riding Loch Ness while having coitus with Noel Edmonds. But not the EA’s man in the big wellies. His wildest dreams are about finding a fish in a river. A dead one.

Used to more temperate climes, the fish probably could not tolerate the cold waters, the agency said. A closer examination revealed that its stomach was full of sweetcorn – further evidence it may have been kept as a domestic pet.

Full of sweetcorn. So it had recently eaten. And died. Unless it had died and then was stuffed with tinned sweetcorn by an amateur taxidermist? And so to the point of the press release:

The introduction of non-native species poses a serious threat to native wildlife, according to the agency. Mark Diamond, an ecology manager, said: “Whilst piranhas can’t survive the colder climates of the UK, this latest find highlights a real issue – that releasing unwanted exotic pets or plants into rivers can have serious consequences for native wildlife.”

Yeah, like giving the pike some unusual protein to chow down on. Also, watch out for the men in big boots…

Posted: 28th, August 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)