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Tennis fans thrilled Kim Sears has learned to swear




After years of avoiding the use of foul language, Kim Sears has finally learned how to swear.

Kim was sat at the Australian Open watching boyfriend Andy Murray when she found her voice. Experts says she was swearing at umpire Pascal Maria, who had given Murray a series of warnings for time-wasting. It looks like she says ““F***ing have it, you s*** French f***”.

But you can judge for yourself:



Tennis used to feature no swearing at all. The previous ‘verbals’ highlight was John McEnroe asking if “you can be serious” and screaming about “chalk dust”. If you wanted to learn how to swear you had to watch the football. Now the cool kids will be watching tennis to see if they can pick up any phrases. It’s the kind of breakthrough one of the world’s top five racket sports has been waiting for.

These are early says, of course, and we expert to see errors as the aces get to grips with the new vernacular, such as Roger Federer telling the linesman to “shut the up-fuck” and Serena Williams lambasting the coughing man in the crowd for being a “dicky-head”.

It’s hoped that after the swearing tennis will embrace spirits and lagers between ends, segregated seating and fans, such as the Murray Maniacs, arriving on Tennis Specials equipped with Muzza tattoos, inflatable bananas and a refrain about Novak Djokovic’s mum…

Posted: 29th, January 2015 | In: Sports | Comment

Kim Sears As Andy Murray Mounts

kim-searsTO Murray Mount, formerly Henman Hill, Wade’s Wall, Perry’s Peak and Cliff’s Cliff and news from Wimbledon that Murray’s doubles’ partner Kim Sears (more nominative determinism, folks!) is sending “temperatures soaring further in sexy shades and shorts”.

From our vantage point, we can see the 21-year-old “wow onlookers in a pair of tiny denim hotpants”.

Phwoarty love!

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 24th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)

Five Ways Andy Murray Can Win Wimbledon

andy-murrayWITH Rafael Nadal out and Cliff Richard muted by the rain-proof roof over Wimbledon’s Centre Court, Andy Murray is edging closer to the Wimbledon title, this nation’s first since Harvey Templeton-Peck won it on horseback in 1786.

But what can we do to help Murray win the day? It’s pretty clear that what stands between Murray and a chance to introduce the ballgirls to the Dukd of Kent is Roger Federer, all flicky hair and too-close together eyes of Swiss precision.

Anorak delivers our Top Five Tips for Murray Success.

Kipling Test

The doyennes of the All England Club can introduce their much-vaunted Kipling Test – can Roger Federer recite all the verses he passes on the walk from changing room to court? If he can’t he’s out. It’s all about standards, dear boy.

The Blonde

With her long blonde hair, longer legs and over-sized sunglasses Andy Murray’s girlfriend is the ultimate in court-side chic. So says the Mail, which gives a heads up to cameramen looking to fill those frequent breaks in play and moments before and after a big point with a hot of a blonde. Kim Sears fits the bill. And if she can keep Murray lean and hungry his hope can only be increased.

Murray Maniacs

The Murray Maniacs are a chippier, less HRT-fed lot than the Henmanics, Tim Henman’s band of sectioned supporters. But they do have one advantage: less letters means lee T-shirts and less time spent organising people to stand in line to spell out their hero’s name when the valuable minutes could be spent chanting. Murr-eeee fits neatly with the Timm-eeee call, but Anorak suggests a twist and shortening Murray to Muzz, so creating the Muzz Buzz, a slow hissing fizz that at moments of tension causes Federer to believe he is under attack from angry wasps.

The System

The introduction of the esoteric Duckworth Lewis System has made one-day cricket a lottery. With just a few games played, the onset of rain or failing light could see Federer needing to win 17 games in a row inside 34 minutes.

Scotland Expects

Hiring the Scottish football team to Train Murray, thus ensuring the Muzz never hits a ball into the net no matter how hard he tries.

Come on, Murray!

Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)