Knut Is Dead And Flocke Lives In His Native South Of France

RIP Knut. The once cute German polar bear is dead. As copy editors struggle to make sense of it all, attention turns to Flocke. Sad to say that Germany is no longer a haven for polar bears. Flocke has relocated to Antibes on the Côte d’Azur.

The place is “designed for Conserving Polar Bears In Their proper conditions!”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2011 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)

Knut The Polar Bear Dead At 4: Copyeditors Take Care

RIP Knut, the star polar bear of old Berlin. He was four years old.

Bear keeper Heiner Kloes said that the cause of death of the four-year-old bear is not clear.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, March 2011 | In: Reviews | Comments (3)

PETA Want Knut The Incest Polar Bear Castrated

THE headlines write themselves as PETA say that Knut the polar bear must be castrated.

Knut is Berlin Zoo’s big star, appearing alongside Leonardo DiCaprio on Vanity Fair’s Green Issue cover, shot by Annie Leibovitz, and making loadsa money for his keepers. Knut talks to Suri Cruise and has been on suicide watch. Knut has lived.

Knut has become a powerful (if not controversial) symbol of what this planet has to lose to global warming

And PETA says he should be castrated and not be allowed to breed with Giovanna, a lady bear on loan from Munich Zoo.

Frank Albrecht, head of the German branch of PETA says:

“They have a common grandfather, Olaf, and they are therefore cousins.”

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, March 2010 | In: Reviews | Comments (3)

Jack Tweed’s Suicide Watch With Jade Goody

JACK Tweed says he wants to kill himself. In “JACK: I WANT TO KILL MYSELF”, the News of The World places Mr Jade Goody on suicide watch – “nor death shall us part”.

Beneath a picture of Tweed, readers are told:

QUIET NIGHT IN: Prison beans and orange squash is far from Jack Tweed’s usual Champagne style

One would venture that Tweed is sipping on “prison orange squash”. But we should not interrupt the facts as Jack’s mum, Mary Tweed, tells her story to the tabloids, and so – finally! – welcomes a bona fide outlet of Jade Goody Industries.

THE distraught mum of rape charge widower Jack Tweed told yesterday of her torment at seeing her “baby” in prison and hearing him threaten to take his own life.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Jade Goody’s Jack Tweed Is On Suicide Watch

BERFORE we get to the news that “Fragile” Jack Tweed, Mr Jade Goody, is on “suicide lag wing”, we introduce Sun scribes JAMES CLENCH and ANDY CRICK to nominative determinalism.

Clench and Crick tell us:

FRAGILE Jack Tweed has been locked in a tough jail’s secure hospital wing to protect him from hard-case lags, we can reveal. Bosses at Chelmsford Prison have put the terrified 21-year-old in a single cell alongside inmates on suicide watch amid fears he will be targeted.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)

Polar Bear Attacks Woman In Berlin (Video)

WHEN Anorak learnt that a polar bear had attacked a woman in Berlin, we thought of Knut stood atop the Brandenburg Gate, roaring with triumph as he stuck Lily Allen’s hair on his head

When we read that Knut was meeting with his therapist at the time, we thought of another nut – the woman who dived into the polar bear enclosure at Berlin Zoo.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (18)