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Lance Armstrong: ‘I won’t cheat at golf – honest!’

Lance Armstrong, the spectacular cheat who harnsssed the power of lab technology and a good backstory to win seven Tour de France titles, says he draws the line at cheating at…golf, telling Golf Digest:

GOLF IS DIFFERENT from the culture of cycling when I was competing, and that’s putting it mildly. Cycling, it was the Wild West. Nobody considered doping cheating. It was an arms race where absolutely anything went, and it was every man for himself. You might consider me the last guy to have anything to say about cheating, but golf is different. I love adhering to a code of honor that we in cycling didn’t have. If I moved my ball in the rough and got caught, I wouldn’t just regret it, I’d be heartbroken forever. When I think about reform in cycling, I think about golf.

Golf on gin or golf on drugs – which is better?

And Lance wasn’t cheating at cycling until he got caught.

When I first read his line I thought he was swearing off cheating at golf. But looking at it again, Armstrong seems to be saying he’d just be very upset to get caught cheating at golf…

Posted: 22nd, December 2014 | In: Sports | Comment

Lance Armstrong says ‘virtually all of us broke the rules, and lied about it’

lance armstrong truth

AND so it came to pass that Lance Armstrong became a victim. The man stripped of his seven Tour de France titles – who denied others glory as he grew rich and allegedly attempted to destroy a woman’s life – is now the victim:

He shares with his thoughts on the French Senate releasing a list of riders who tested positive for banned EPO during the 1998 race, in which Armstong took no part:

“If we don’t come together, have the conversation and draw a line in the sand and then move on, we’re all screwed…My initial reaction is that I am not surprised. As I have said, it was an unfortunate era for all of us and virtually all of us broke the rules, and lied about it.”

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Posted: 26th, July 2013 | In: Sports | Comment

Criminal investigation starts with Lance Armstrong, but he’ll keep £7.7m

THE problem with Lance Armstrong, now officially a cheat, is that he was tedious. If Armstrong had any discernible personality or was at all eccentric, all this cheating would’ve been really fun. He’s no Jacques Anquetil is he? There’s nothing about Armstrong that says ‘lovable rogue’ or ‘wild man of sport’. He just cheated so he could win.

And that is why everyone doesn’t like him. He’s tedious, ruthless and ambitious and little else.

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Posted: 6th, February 2013 | In: Sports | Comment

Lance Armstong is Liverpool’s Luis Suarez but not Gareth Bale nor any other noble Briton

BILL Leckie says Liverpool’s Luis Suarez “is Armstrong MKII”. That’s Lance Armstrong, the fabulously talented cyclist who used illegal drugs to become a living legend.

Leckie writes:

THERE’S a huge gap in downright criminality between divers in football and dopers in cycling.

Yep. One is testing the referee. You get booked for diving. The other was part of a sophisticated plot to dupe the spectators and those cyclists not doping. Armstrong attempted to destroy the reputations of anyone who called him a cheat, successfully suing them and winning considerable damages.

But the intent in their actions is the same — to win by any means possible no matter how it screws over their fellow pros.

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Posted: 22nd, January 2013 | In: Sports | Comments (9)

The best Lance Armstrong jokes

IT’S open season on Lance Armstrong, the cyclist who was better than all the other drugs cheats in his sport. He had natural talent, drive, a cancer-survivor’s background story and better medical men and labs than the rest of the field. He cheated. The media,. Lance and the fans built his legend. Now we demand his shaming. The American who beat cancer and the French must be made to suffer, or at least look like he is:

Time for the jokes:

“Why did Lance Armstrong go on the Oprah Winfrey show? Because he thought he’d have a ball.”

“What is the secret of Lance Armstrong’s success? He always stays positive.”

Jon Stewart: “I believed in you Lance Armstrong. I shelled out a dollar for a rubber bracelet I have somewhere in my house. … Well I think we all owe cancer an apology.”

The Top Ten on the Late Show With David Letterman:

10. Artificially enhanced his cycling shorts
9. Still never leaves the house without several vials of clean urine
8. Owns Texas real estate known as “Rancho Decepto”
7. Took steroids to work up the strength to admit taking steroids
6. Once had an inappropriate relationship with an air hose
5. Also has tattoo of Rex Ryan’s wife
4. Has given up on making the baseball Hall of Fame
3. United States Postal Service paid him in stamps
2. Started erotic website, “Tour-De-Pants”
1. Admitted to doping just to get on “Oprah”

“Lance Armstrong has flown into New York to deny doping claims. It would have been more convincing if he’d used a plane.”

“Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.”

“I can’t believe they’ve stripped Lance Armstrong of his titles – you try riding a bike on drugs!”

“BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA – (The Borowitz Report) – Infuriated by new allegations that he took performance enhancing drugs, bicycling legend Lance Armstrong lashed out at the press today, hurling a 2008 Hyundai Sonata at a reporter.”

“Apparently, Oprah asked Lance Armstrong if he’d do a blood test on the show. Armstrong said he’d be happy too but he’d left most of his blood at home.”

Lance Killstrong:

Posted: 21st, January 2013 | In: Sports | Comment

Lance Armstrong v Nicole Cook: pick your expert

NICOLE Cooke is a former Olympic cycling champion from Wick in the Vale of Glamorgan. She’s retired from her sport. Her leaving speech is repeated in full hereunder. It’s worth a read, particularly her views on sexism and Lance Armstrong.

She answers our question: If everyone is cheating, what’s the big deal?

C. B. Fry put it:

“It is widely acknowledged that if both sides agree to cheat, cheating is fair.”

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Posted: 19th, January 2013 | In: Sports | Comment

Lance Armstrong called Betsy Andreu a crazy bitch but ‘I never called her fat’

LANCE Armstrong attacked and abused Betsy Andreu, the truth-seeking wife of cyclist Frankie. He worked to ruin her. (Full story here.) Oprah Winfrey wants to know more about this. Arsmtong had been advsied well. Winfrey has battled with her weight.  So, Lance, what did you call Betsey Andreu:

“I called you crazy. I called you a bitch….But I never called you fat.”

And with that, he is redeemed…


Posted: 19th, January 2013 | In: Sports | Comment

A shite at the Oprah: Lance Armstong makes mockery of Laureus World Sports Award

LANCE Armstrong answers. Yes, he did cheat by taking drugs. Everyone who didn’t take banned performance-enhancing drugs whom he beat has been cheated. The many who cheated and were beaten by Armstrong are two-time losers. Now go outside and throw your truck at people .

Armstrong has told Oprah Winfrey everything. Which beggars the question: why didn’t they get her to question him ages ago?

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Posted: 18th, January 2013 | In: Sports | Comment

Oprah Winfrey hails the Lance Armstrong Foundation for Scientific Excellence

LANCE Armstrong will appear on Oprah Winfrey’s TV show. The infamous cheat will go on Oprah’s Next Chapter for 90 minutes. This will be the first interview with Armstrong since he was stripped of his Seven Tour de France titles. What questions will she ask? Will she be tough? Will it be a confessional? Sources say Armstrong plans to admit to doping throughout his career.

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Posted: 12th, January 2013 | In: Sports | Comment

Huge effigy of Lance Armstrong wearing Jim’ll Fix it badge to be set on fire

TO Edenbridge, Kent, where a 30ft effigy of Lance Armstrong wearing a Jim’ll Fix it badge is to be burned. DO NOT INHALE!


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Posted: 2nd, November 2012 | In: Celebrities, Sports | Comment

UCI president Pat McQuaid makes us feel sorry for Lance Armstrong

THE queue to bash Lance Armstrong is long. At its head is The International Cycling Union (UCI). It’s stripped the American of his seven Tour de France titles. The UCI says the United States Anti-Doping Agency’s (Usada) investigation sas right. It agrees that Armstong cheated.

Was he the only one? No.

Should the organisation that presides over such a mess be made to answer why it never noticed that its champion of champions was cheating on a grand scale?

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Posted: 22nd, October 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Lance Armstong: David Walsh and the media’s conspiracy to make a hero

LET’S hear it for great journalism! David Walsh suspected Lance Armstrong was cheating. He was right. Armstrong cheated to win. In 1999, Walsh wrote in the Sunday Times:

“This afternoon I will be keeping my arms by my side. because I’m not sure this is something we should be applauding…For too long, sportswriting has been unrestrained cheerleading, suspending legitimate doubts and settling for stories of sporting heroism.”

That was the first of Armstrong’s seven Tour de France titles.

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Posted: 11th, October 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Times says Lance Armstrong is ‘biggest charlatan in sport’ 600,000 times

THE Times continues it mission of revenge on Lance Armstrong, the cyclist who successfully sued the paper for suggesting he was something less than honest. Simon Barnes asks the rhetorical question: “Who is the greatest charlatan in sport?”

It is a question that takes on new and urgent relevance with the latest revelations about Lance Armstrong. By charlatan, I mean hypocrite, phony, faker and humbug — a person who lays claim to conspicuous virtue with no intention at all of trying to attain it.

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Posted: 7th, September 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

When Alastair Campbell interviewed Lance Armstong David Walsh was missing

AS the Times titles go after Lance Armstrong, and writer David Walsh is listened to anew, the paper might reflect on the decision to let spin doctor Alastair Campbell interview the cyclist in 2004.

The story teases:

Cancer, death, WMD, Bush, drugs, divorce … and five Tour de France victories. Discussions at the summit with Lance Armstrong were tough and uncompromising

When I arrive at the flat at the scheduled time, it is Sheryl Crow, his new pop-star girlfriend, who greets me at the door, very warm and welcoming. She comments favourably on the haircut, then Armstrong appears at the end of the hallway, smaller and slighter than he looked on the bike in Paris, big Texan smile, T-shirt, blue jeans, brown boots. A long, firm handshake and we go into the kitchen for coffee and curly little chocolate biscuits he says he got from a store down the street.

It gets no better.

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Posted: 5th, September 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

Lance Armstrong: Edgar Allan Poe, The Troll’s revenge and what Betsy Andreu saw

LANCE Armstrong is likely to feature a lot in the Times. The seven-times Tour de France winner has decided not to contest doping charges against him. The man who got rich on the back of those successes will not fight for his integrity. Armstrong has been stripped of those Tour titles and every every other result he had achieved since 1998.

In 1999, the Sunday Times went for Armstrong. David Walsh wrote:

“For too long, sportswriting has been unrestrained cheerleading, suspending legitimate doubts and settling for stories of sporting heroism.”

In 2001, Walsh told Sunday Times readers that Armstrong had worked with Italian doctor Michele Ferrari. The story was called Champ of Cheat? The paper had a question: “why would a clean rider work with a dirty doctor?”

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Posted: 5th, September 2012 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment

Lance Armstrong will not use millions earned in victory to save his integrity

LANCE Armstrong says that he will not fight the decision to strip him of his seven Tour de France titles. Cycling officials says Armstrong used banned substances, like blood-booster erythropoietin (EPO) and steroids. They say that since the mid-1990s Armstrong has undergone blood transfusions. They say he’s a cheat.

Armstrong will not contest the decision to ban him from cycling for life. He will not fight for his integrity. He will not fight to honour all those lucrative contracts that added brands to the champions jerseys. He will not fight to assure all those he beat that the playing field was a level one. He will not fight for the fans who paid to cheer him on. Says Lance Armstrong: “There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to say, ‘Enough is enough.’ For me, that time is now.”

If one of the fittest athletes alive can grow tired of fighting – tired of paying the lawyers – then what hope for us mere mortals?

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Posted: 24th, August 2012 | In: Sports | Comments (2)

Lance Armstrong Tweets his broken collarbone

LANCE Armstrong, cancer survivor and cycling legend, is one of the most avid celebrity Tweeters. He updates regularly, and unlike most celebs, he usually has something to say for himself.

Even after breaking his collarbone, in Spain’s Vuelta Castilla y Leon race, didn’t stop the intrepid Armstrong from updating his Twitter profile, including this photo of him at Madrid airport.

His post-breakage Tweets included the following:

“I’m alive! Broken clavicle (right). Hurts like hell for now. Surgery in a couple of days. Thanks for all the well wishes.”

“Sitting here with @johanbruyneel at his house. Glass of wine, cheese and crackers. Now going to bed. Night, y’all.”

“Sitting in the airport getting ready to fly home. Layover in NYC then ATX!!”

“Btw, hard to tweet left handed.”

Now that’s an addicted Tweeter.

The injury shouldn’t keep Armstrong out of this year’s Tour de France, which should silence all of the cynics who think this is all some sort of controversy theory designed to avoid testing positive for drugs. A ridiculous notion.

Posted: 24th, March 2009 | In: Sports | Comment

Lance Armstrong says no to drugs

DURING a stage in the Tour of California, which finished this weekend, Lance Armstrong was confronted by a non-fan wielding a giant syringe. Armstrong whupped cancer and he has never failed a drugs test, but he can’t escape the whispers that he achieved his trillion Tour wins by foul means. Still, he won this encounter:

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Posted: 23rd, February 2009 | In: Sports | Comment