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Levi Johnston Took Bristol Palin’s Virginity With A Canvas Condom (Photos)

BRISTOL Palin wants to tell us that she lost her virginity on a camping trip that involved wine coolers, Levi Johnston’s penis and lots of note taking. All he details are in Sarah Palin’s new book Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far, aka I got Knocked Up But My Mom Was Running For VePee To Would-Be President McCain So I Had the Baby And Made Bundles Of Cash From It, Got My Chin Fixed And Then Went On Dancing With The Stars In A Bid To Win The TenaLady Contract And Florida

UsWeekly has read the book – so you don’t have to:

Palin says she woke up alone in her tent, with no recollection as to what happened. Johnston, meanwhile, “talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas.

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Posted: 18th, June 2011 | In: Reviews | Comment

Some Idiot Decides To Give Bristol Palin Her Own TV Show

PRANCING politician offspring, Bristol Palin, is to get her own reality television show in the United States of America. That’s right. That bizarre collection of country-sized states are seemingly hell-bent on making a star of the loinular-produce of one of the most spectacularly dim politicians to ever walk the Earth.

While Sarah Palin is staring at an Atlas and still not quite getting the whole ‘Africa is a continent’ thing and going out shooting elk through the face, despite having access to perfectly good food stores, the TV viewing public will be able to tune in to a show on US cable channel Bio, which will presumably feature Bristol staring into the middle distance and trying to remember to breathe in, and out, in, and out.

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Posted: 10th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sarah Palin’s Signed X Box for Sale, Levi Johnston Goes Nuts

WHO wants an X Box singed by Sarah Palin? Right, you all do. Now, who wants an X box designed by Sarah Palin for $1.1million?

“The Sarah Palin Signed Autograph XBOX 360 Story:

My name is David Morrill. I live in Alberta Canada and I have always wanted to drive the Alaskan highway from my home near Edmonton Alberta, all the way to Alaska. This trip is about a 7000km / 4300mi round trip. I figured that since I was going up there anyway, I should try to see the most famous person from that state, so I timed my trip with the governors picnic in Wasilla. When the governors picnic took place, there were hordes of people trying to see her, but I pushed my way through the crowd to the front of the line. When I was in front of Sarah Palin, I told her that I had traveled three days to see her and asked her to sign my Xbox360. She said it was the most extravagant thing she had ever been asked to sign. I shook her hand, removed myself from the crowd, and then I packed up my Xbox360 and headed home. It was one of the greatest thrills of my life to have watched Sarah Palin on CNN, SNL, Youtube, and then to see her right in front of me. If you would like to learn more about me, you may click on my user ID.”

Levi Johnston must be kicking himself that he never asked Sarah plain to sign his nuts


Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (5)

Levi Johnston’s Nuts Are Sarah Palin’s Kill Of The Day

sarah-palin-levis-nutsLEVI. Playgirl mo-del Levi Johnston. “Now Levi Johnston does it with protection.” From dating Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol Palin and given her a bay-bee, Levi is now the nuts of nuts.

The advert seems to be saying that to date a Palin you need to be mentally ill, or that if you spend too long in Alaska your testes become coated in an impervious rock-like substance that needs a huge minder to crack.

Poor Levi. He needs to worry not about the fans mobbing up but to listen out for the sound of helicopters and the scream “Pull!”

The company behind the advert, Wonderful Pistachios, invites nuts lovers:

Show us how you Get Crackin’ and you could win $25,000 and see your spot on TV!

Hear that Sarah Palin? All you need do is crack Levi’s nuts with the claws of that giant crap you keep in your wallet and you win enough money to watch the Olympics in Rio…

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment

PlayGirl Levi Johnston Is Sarah Palin’s Naked Kill Of The Day

levi-shirtlessLEVI Johnston, former son-in-law-to-be to Sarah Palin, wants to show his Crunchwrap Supremes to readers of the Playgirl website – the magazine closed earlier this year and Playgirl went for more porn and less writing to appeal more to, er, women.

The first problem is that “Levi’s handler” – who turns out to be someone other than his numb left hand – says he’s unsure whether to show “the front or the back”. And therein lies the trouble for Playgirl, the organ men would buy for their “girlfriends” and women wouldn’t buy at all.

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Posted: 12th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment (1)

Sarah Palin Wanted To Pretend Bristol And Levi Johnston’s Son Was Hers

levi_johnston_vfLEVI Johnston, former almost lover to his baby mama Bristol Palin, is talking to Vanity Fair about his almost hockey mom-in-law Sarah Palin and how she wanted to pretend the child he fathered was hers.

Having made Sarah Palin a grandmother, Johnston now sticks the knife in over a five-page first-person account.

The Palins didn¹t have dinner together and they didn’t talk much as a family. Throughout the years I spent with them, when Sarah got home from her office–almost never later than five and sometimes as early as noon–she usually walked in the door, said hello, and then disappeared into her bedroom, where she would hang out. Sometimes she’d take an hour-long bath. Other times she sat on the living-room couch…watching house shows and wedding shows on TV. She always wanted things and she wanted other people to get them for her. If she wanted a movie, Bristol and I would go to the video store; if she wanted food, we’d get her something to eat, like a Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell.

Oooo, he’s pulled out the Crunchwrap. That hurts.

She’d try to bribe everyone to clean the house, or give us guilt trips. She used to make Bristol feel bad by telling her that she did everything for her. This was unfair because, even before the campaign, Bristol was already the mom in the house, and she got tired of having to take care of her siblings.

Aspiring model Johnston – Vanity Fair shoots him in moody black and white as a sweetener to his pretensions – also speaks of divorce. Recently the Palins, Sarah and Todd, were embroiled in a divorce rumour. Says Johnston:

“There was a lot of talk of divorce in that house … times when Sarah and Todd would mention it and sound pretty serious.”

Johnston is 18. He was dating Bristol when he was 17. To sports jock Johnston hearing the alphabet said aloud is pretty serious.

“After the nomination, Sarah and Todd wouldn’t go anywhere together unless the cameras were out. They’re good on television, but once the cameras would leave they didn’t talk to each other. In all the time Bristol and I were together, I’ve never seen them sleep in the same bedroom…. Even during the Republican National Convention they slept in different bedrooms at opposite ends of her suite. Todd slept in the living room, on his little black recliner, with the TV going in the background—usually with the news or an Ultimate Fighting Championship match on—wearing clothes he wore that same day. [Since I used to sleep on the couch until Bristol got pregnant, I know he doesn’t snore, so that’s not why he wasn’t in bed]…. If Sarah and Todd did talk—they really don’t communicate at all—they were fighting. Todd is short-fused, and if you get him fired up, he flips out. He often got mad that Sarah wasn’t looking after the kids, and I’m sure she was mad he was riding [on his snow machine] all the time—but they really just weren’t clicking half the time.”

And the kids?

“Even before she was nominated, there wasn’t much parenting in that house,” says the man who helped turn Bristol Palin into a single mum.

“Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cook – the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school. Most of the time Bristol would help her youngest sister with her homework, and I’d barbecue chicken or steak on the grill.”

Johnston was Palin’s bitch? This is the kind of woman America should have had running the country, someone who can find a use for even the most feckless no mark. And while Levi was a-shaggin’ and a-grilling, he was also a–listenin’ to Sarah’s post-White House failure.

“Sarah was sad for a while. She walked around the house pouting. A week or two after she got back she started talking about how nice it would be to quit and write a book or do a show and make ‘triple the money.’ She would blatantly say, ‘I want to just take this money and quit being governor.'”

So says Johnston, whose fee for speaking to Vanity Fair is not revealed.

“She definitely thought she was running for president.”

But the biggest scoop is that the former governor of Alaska suggested that she and husband Todd could adopt her daughter’s baby and keep the real parentage a secret. Says Johnston:

“That way, she said, Bristol and I didn’t have to worry about anything. Sarah kept mentioning this plan. She was nagging – she wouldn’t give up. She would say, ‘So, are you gonna let me adopt him?’”

And so the conspiracy will begin. Trig Palin was really Bristol’s baby, went the narrative, and now two-wombs Sarah Palin had sniffed a way to repay the favour.

Of course, what Johnston does is do some Palin PR, preventing Sarah Plain from slipping down the radar like a piece of hairy soap down the plughole of life.

Rather than attacking Sarah Palin, Levi is supporting the family business. With Sarah Plain everyone has a use – even Levi Johnston…

Posted: 2nd, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment

Vanessa Hudgens And Zac Efron Do Katie Price And Peter

7067230ANORAK spots: Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron getting married, Levi Johnston naked, Peter Andre misses Katie Price, Britney Spears does the doggy and N-Dubz in panto…

* VANESSA Hudgens and Zac Efron are getting married, to each other.

Says Hudgens:

“Zac likes me in bright red lipstick. I am his one true vamp!”

Just bright red lipstick and nothing else. But there is hope for you teens that the wedding might not happen and Zac/Vanessa can be yours:

“We haven’t set a date and if we did we’d keep it secret for as long as possible. Why? What if one of us was offered a major film part? Then we’d have to postpone our marriage and people would say we’d split up. And we don’t want that.”

Teenagers with links to the film biz are right now pestering mum and dad to given Zac and Vanessa parts in film that keep them miles apart. “Dad, I think Zac would be great with Sienna Miller”; “Mum, Vanessa is puurrfect for Kabul Road Rage 3000” – Showbiz Spy

* Former Sarah Palin son-in-law Levi Johnston says he may pose nude if the price is right.

“It depends on the money, man.”

And if they make a sequel… – USA Mag

* According to TMZ, Britney Spears’ new head weave makes her a ringer for “Dog the Bounty Hunter” star Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman.

If the hair gets together, it may breed and create a Kajagoogoo tribute act – TMZ

* Peter Andre proves how much he has moved on from Katie Price by telling viewers of his sentimental show Going It Alone that he is missing Katie Price.

“I do miss her. I hate missing her, I hate it. Funny thing is, I don’t even know what I miss, because there was so much bad.”

Has he stopped talking about her long enough to notice she’s not there? – Digital Spy

* N-dubz do panto

There’s also a little poison – on one song, Dappy disses a “bisexual prick” and blames him for spreading Aids – but a little marketable homophobia never did Eminem any harm. Despite this, it’s all strangely family friendly. There’s a bit of larking about in boxing robes to the “Eye of the Tiger” riff, and Dappy gets the crowd to chant “Fazer is a plonker”. They stop just short of soliciting a “He’s behind you!!!”.

Whatever your preconceptions, N-Dubz’s urban panto is fun for all ages …. – Indy

Behind you – no, not that close, batty boy…

Posted: 16th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Starry-Eyed Levi Johnston On Sarah Palin’s Dash for Cash

6508507ANORAK’S Man in the Hollywood Hills looks at Bristol Palin’s baby dady Levi Johnston and hears him say that his not-to-be mummy-in-law dearest Sarah Palin was looking to cash in on her fame:

Bristol Palin’s baby daddy is piping up about his former-future-mother-in-law’s latest career move… or should we say non career move.

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Posted: 10th, July 2009 | In: Politicians | Comments (2)