Anorak

Louis Van Gaal | Anorak

Posts Tagged ‘Louis Van Gaal’

Van Gaal sacked, Mourinho appointed and Manchester United are unchanged

Sky News are reporting that Manchester United have offered Jose Mourinho the Manchester United job and the former Chelsea manager has accepted. Not all that good news for current Old Trafford boss Louis Van Gaal, then, who yesterday delivered the FA Cup, Man United’s first trophy in three years – albeit the pot Alex Ferguson’s serial winners didn’t even bother to defend in 1999, preferring to take a brand-building winter break in Brazil.

So is Sky correct? For some months its sister organ, the Sun, has been reporting that Mourinho is a shoo-in for the job.

 

Van Gaal man united the sun sacked

 

van gaal manchester united sacked

 

The Sun and Sky’s other sister organ, The Times, also banged the drum for Van Gaal’s end.

 

van gaal sacked

 

They’ve yet to proven right. If you continue to doubt just how wrong these journalists with the inside scoop can be, look at what the Sun’s Neil Ashton said of Manchester United’s on May 19:

 

Manchester United Van Gaal FA Cup

 

Fellaini played.

Is Mourinho heading to United? What say the other papers?

Yes.

 

Jose Manchester United

 

And no.

 

Van Gaal sacked Mail

 

Such are the facts.

Posted: 22nd, May 2016 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Manchester United Balls: ‘ranting’ Louis Van loses his dentures and starts a double-act

 

Just six months into his time as Manchester United manager, and Louis van Gaal is “under fire”. Reacting to claims that his United are an unattractive long ball team he produced evidence to the contrary. How well did it go down in the Press? In a word: very. They’ve lapped it up. All newspapers lead with LVG’s stats class.

The Times leads it sports coverage with:

Van Gaal looked like a cross between Neville Chamberlain and David Brent as he waved pieces of paper to disprove [Sam] Allardyce’s claims at United’s press conference yesterday. They were lies, damned lies — and Van Gaal had the statistics.

It was a “rant”.

The Sun calls LVG A ‘LAUGHING STOCK”.

The Daily Star calls it “LVG’S LONG BAWL”. It was a “bizarre rant”.

The Mirror leads with news of “LVG’s LONG SHOT”. He “angrily produced a dossier” of “four pages of statistics”.

The Daily Mail is far more circumspect, saying Van Gaal created “an intersting 20 minutes” with his Prozone stats.

And in the Express there are concerns for LVG’s mental wellbeing:

“Louis Van Gaal sparked concerns he is cracking udner the strain  of managing Manchester United…”

Van Gaal has been an outstanding coaches for years. But the Times‘ Oliver Kay wonders:

What nags, though, is the feeling that, once you look beyond the Van Gaal aura, there has been remarkably little to admire in his first six months at Old Trafford. As a journalist, you find yourself wanting Van Gaal to live up to a certain reputation — a reputation for tactical brilliance, exciting football and even, a strange admission this, antagonistic behaviour in press conferences. So far, we have seen more of the third than the first two and even that, in truth, has been fairly low-grade.

Well, that’s one thing Van Gaal can do: make an entertaining press conference. And it may yet get better.

Hugo Borst says we can expect more:

“There’s this one time that always cracks me up. He wasn’t happy with us, thought we weren’t training properly. He set up this exercise where I had to be non-responsive as keeper . . . but the crosses were so dodgy I had no choice but to save them, and that was a definite no-go. He had already bollocked me for it once but the second time he comes over and starts screaming at me something fierce and his dentures go flying. Best of it was, he caught them in a single movement, stuffed them back in his mouth and carried right on screaming. And there’s me standing opposite him trying to keep a straight face”.

The football might be dull, but Van Gaal the man is happy to entertain…

And every great entertainer needs a sidekick. Presenting Van Gaal and the Manchester United Press officer, in the style of Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom:

 

Posted: 11th, February 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Talking Balls (and anus): Manchester United launch new all-star 4-4-2 line-up

The bigger the pornographer, the bigger the prude. Manchester United manager Louis Van Gaal said:

“I know all the stats. I read the stats. I know that we have won more with 4-4-2 in a diamond. But when you analyse the game, then we have twitched our ass on the bench. I said to my players I was squeezing my ass, but it was the wrong expression. I have twitched my ass on the bench because we were out of balance. All the matches when we play 4-4-2, like against West Ham United, it was always twitching your ass. I don’t like that. We have won nine or 10 in a row, then we lose one match and then the discussion about the system is coming. It is ridiculous. Now I have answered your question in a very good way.”

That quote is from the BBC.

Now for the Sun, the paper with topless Page 3 stannas, adverts for sex chatlines and published by Rupert Murdoch, via whose Sky TV network you can watch loadsa porn:

“I said to my players I was squeezing my a*** but it was the wrong expression, I have twitched my a*** on the bench because we were out of balance. We lost the game at Leicester 5-3 and that was undeserved. And all the matches when we’ve played 4-4-2, like against West Ham, it was always twitching your a*** and I don’t like it.”

A****? Is that anus?

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 23rd, January 2015 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Game Of Thrones Star Mimicks Manchester United’s Louis Van Gaal In Video

Actress Carice van Houten, center, and friends attend HBO's "Game of Thrones" fourth season premiere after party at the Museum of Natural History on Tuesday, March 18, 2014 in New York. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

Actress Carice van Houten, center, and friends attend HBO’s “Game of Thrones” fourth season premiere after party at the Museum of Natural History on Tuesday, March 18, 2014 in New York. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP)

 

Manchester United manager Louis Van Gaal has been lampooned by Dutch actress Carice van Houten, chiefly famous for being the Red Priestess Melisandre in Game Of Thrones.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 30th, November 2014 | In: Celebrities, manchester united, Sports | Comment


Manchester United Balls: You’ll Never Guess Who Van Gaal’s ‘Sworn Enemy’ Is

MANCHESTER United manager Louis van Gaal is trading on former glories. His tenure at United has been one of big-spending confusion. The buzzword is ‘transition’, but Southampton are proving that to be a load of balls.

A new book on the Manchester United boss, O, Louis: In Search of Louis van Gaal, contains a few gems. Author Hugo Bors, describes it as a “journey into the sinister recesses”.

(Incidentally, we are told that Van Gaal’s “sworn enemy” is Ronald Koeman.)

On Truus, life with Mrs Van Gaal:

‘The way he treats Truus in company is ungentlemanly and sometimes downright disgraceful. In the company of friends and acquaintances, Louis has made comments that in nine out of 10 marriages would have been grounds for divorce.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 11th, November 2014 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Manchester United Balls: Release The Van Gaal Journobots

Ajax Manager Louis Van Gaal talks to the press  Champions League. Spartak Moscow v Blackburn Rovers%0D%0AGraeme Le Saux is %0D%0Atackled by teammate %0D%0ADavid Batty Date: 01/11/1995

Ajax Manager Louis Van Gaal talks to the press. Date: 01/11/1995

DUTCH newspaper NRC have called on their many years’ experience of treading on eggshells around the notoriously volatile Louis van Gaal in press conferences to provide their British colleagues with ten golden rules to follow when interviewing the new Manchester United manager to avoid having their danglies torn off…

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 22nd, May 2014 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment


Manchester United Balls: Paper Mistakes Harold From Neighbours For Louis Van Gaal

AND Manchester United’s next manager is… Harold Bishop, from the hit daytime telly show, Neighbours.

 

Louis Van Gaal

Spotters: @samcgraycolinfairley 

Posted: 2nd, May 2014 | In: manchester united, Sports | Comment