Recording Starts At Guy Ritchie’s Punchbowl Pub Movie

THERE’S a microphone outside Guy Ritchie’s The Punchbowl pub in London’s Mayfair, there to monitor noise as the former Mr Madonna and his Mockney Rebels ‘ave it large up the quince and avocado pears for a bit of celeb and tickle and lashing of Becks ‘n’ Posh.

News is that Westminster City Council has received 37 complaints of noise, which may be a lot. The sounds of braying and the snap of camera shutters closing are causing a bit of a waxed Barbour and getting in the locals’ Latvian au pair.

The council says the microphone doesn’t record conversations but simply measures decibel levels. But the voices should be recorded and if set to a score in which Chas ‘n’ Dave play Hava Nagila in the amnnr of a Greek restaurateur. This is Ritchie’s next big film in the making.

Ritchie could talk about “the classical body of wisdom” and introduce a caper for “The Natives of England” to ride with hounds across Hyde Park in search of The Fox, an Albanian Samantha Fox look-alike who has stolen a rare breed of pig from Her Majesty’s butcher, and on the eve of the Cup Final, and all.

Leonardo DiCaprio could star as Widow Twanky.

Scene 1:

GR: Wotcha…

Lily Allen: … Cocks

Bang!

Ends.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna Is 69 Years Old

MADONNA is 69 years old. Really. The arms have it…

Spotter: RR

Anorak

Posted: 29th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Elton John Outsells Michael Jackson

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak brings you that OK! magazine souvenir issue…

OK!’s “official” tribute issue to Michael Jackson should not be confused with those downmarket unofficial tribute issues that fail to feature a picture of the dying signer on their cover.

Only OK! cares enough to equip a picture of a dying man with the legend “IN LOVING MEMORY”.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Madonna And Guy Are Reunited

GRAZIA magazine says that Madonna’s latest adoption has a “twist” – it “REUNITED Madonna & Guy.”

Little David Banda Twist, the orphan of Olde London Town, is now joined on Madonna’s knee in New York by Little Orphan Mercy, or Annie Chifundo James, as is her given name.

“Mercy” might have been what she was heard to cry as Madonna eyed her and set about recruiting the little one for her new super group – a black boy, a white girl, a black girl and a white boy. It will be sensational – a deconstructed Michael Jackson with eight legs and four brave hearts headed by Madonna Von Trapp dressed as a dirty nun.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna And Toy Boy Shop For Orphans In Nigeria

IN “MADONNA BID FOR NEW TOT”, Madonna is said to be looking to adopt another African baby with her lover Jesus.

Eat yer heart out, Mary – look, no stretch marks! Madonna is not only better then God, whom she can reach through Kabbalah, but can have more immaculate conceptions than a host of angles can muster.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jamie Oliver Joins Ryan Seacrest On A Mission

FIRST Madonna leaves Blighty, then Little Britain and now ABC is taking Jamie Oliver to the US in a mission to scare the batter from the KFC class, to introduce them to Oliver’s Good Food Bible.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Susan Boyle Duets With The Older Madonna

SUSAN Boyle Watch: In which Susan Boyle shows off her leather jacket, is younger than Madonna and Wayne Rooney impression…

Theatre Of I Dreamed A Dream

INTERNET sensation Susan Boyle has received the ultimate honour – her very own tribute from Manchester United ace Wayne Rooney!

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Brad Pitt Moves Out On Angelina Jolie

BRAD Pitt “moves out” of where ever it is he lives and the National Enquirer follows up that bombshell with news that he “wants all 6 kids”.

Ha! All six? Brad was never that good at the counting game, and Anorak learns that the world boasts around 3billion children, every one them better off with Angelina Jolie, David Banda and Octomum’s kids (plus ca change) included, although not Suri Cruise (Obey Her!).

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)

Billy Bob Thornton Presents The Most Awkward Celebrity Interviews Ever

ANORAK brings you the Most AWakwards celebroty interviews ever.

In 1963, the Irish writer Desmond Leslie – enraged by a nasty review of his wife’s latest play – was able to infiltrate the audience of David Frost’s studio discussion show, march up to offending reviewer Bernard Levin and land a superb left hook on his nose in front of 11 million viewers.

“Just a minute Mr Levin, this will only take a minute,” Leslie had said with impeccable politeness before unleashing a blow described by The Times as “the most public punch since Sonny Liston took the heavyweight title from Floyd Patterson”.

Billy Bob said he was upset because Ghomeshi referred to his acting career in the introduction to the interview. He said he’d told the producer to focus on the band and not mention his acting.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Jade Goody Is Madonna Is Nietzsche

JADE Goody, Madonna and Nietzsche – the Financial Times finds a way to work celebrity news into its pages – again. Remember: “My last hope for a celebrity-free read”…

The 20th century saw, as he had predicted, the migration of values from the higher – the spiritual – to the lower – the material, accompanied by an orgy of violence unmatched in recorded history, as well as a weakening of the taboos surrounding sex. The justification, if justification were needed, was that material values were more real, less hypocritical. I don’t know if Madonna reads Nietzsche, but her “Material Girl” (“You know that we are living in a material world/ And I am a material girl”) was a perfect embodiment of this shift, as, in a starker way, was the short life and death of Jade Goody.

Jade is… well, whatever you want her to be (for a price)…

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna Adopts Madeleine McCann

IN the Belfast Telegraph Gail Walker is making an honest fist at linking Madeleine McCann to a current news story, in this instance Madonna’s attempt to secure another child.

The full report on Madeleine McCann.

Merry James: Ten Bizarre Facts About Madonna And Child

The problem is that more youngsters Madonna hangs out with, the older she looks. She might prefer to adopt a few pensioners, or Old Mr Anorak.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Madeleine McCann | Comments (3)

Madonna Matches New Child To Chanel Suit

MADONNA is looking for a child. As you were, kids. Madge is no longer in London. She’s in Malawi. And she is dressed to invest:

HuffPo has the sartorial detail (via The Deceiver)

After arriving she toured an impoverished school but refused to talk to reporters. She was, in the words of the AP, “dressed casually” in a black velour tracksuit and white fedora. But that casual look costs about $2,800.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Merry James: Ten Bizarre Facts About Madonna And Child

ALL hail the Madonna and child. Historians will note than in no two pictures of the child the same. Madonna had many children, all different, all unique and special.

10 Bizarre Facts About Madonna and Child:

Anorak

Posted: 30th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Madonna And Naked Jesus Luz Crease Up Holy Ghost

MADONNA takes a break from grabbing her crotch – with both hands – to perv at Jesus Luz, her younger companion of the now.

In W magazine, Jesus appears naked in a few shots, his wafer kept dry by way of a white towel. In another image, Jesus is spread-eagled in a black thong. Madonna is locking the door.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Madonna Shuns Tena Lady For Fiber Max Endorsement

MADONNA crotch update –Madonna and Jesus Make A Crotch Grab – by 14:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 5th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Madonna and Jesus Make A Crotch Grab

ASKS the Daily Mail: Madonna poses for yet ANOTHER raunchy album picture, will she still be doing this at 70?

Says 14: “As an avid appreciator of absurdity, I sure hope so!”

Madonna grabbing her crotch is getting to the point where she looks like she fighting incontinence or a pelvis organ prolapse.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)

The ultimate 80s female pop icon turns 50

A lot of fuss was made recently about a certain 80s popstress reaching her fiftieth year. Well, I have to say other than the odd tune Madonna’s whole career has pretty much passed me by. During the 80s no self-respecting Wedding Present fan like myself would touch her stuff, and when it became a bit more acceptable to us anaemic indie types to champion dance music in the 90s, the Detroit girl was doing schlock like Justify My Love.

No, if there is one 80s female legend whose 50th birthday (and I can’t believe this as I type it as she is 50 this week) that is so worth celebrating it is Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles fame.

These days The Bangles get a fairly knowing press that usually mentions their Prince associations, big hair and a novelty tune that for some bizarre reasons never gets played on the radio during times of Middle East conflict. Odd. But this does Susanna and the band a massive disservice.

I first heard her voice on album called Rainy Day back in 1982. This collection featured various members of what has become known as The Paisley Underground doing barbecue sinaglong versions of their favourite 60s tunes. There are several killer tracks on the album but not more so that Hoffs’ cover of the Dylan,via Nico track I’ll Keep It With Mine. (homemade vid here) It is hard to do the song justice but think a gorgeous vocal decorated a plaintive acoustic strum and a soaring violin that towards the end gets almost feverish. I’d have it in my top ten tracks ever.

The Bangles first album All Over The Place was also a milestone for me. Long before they discovered serious hair gel the girls were dressing in fabulous LA style 60s clobber, playing Beatley tunes and perfecting their amazing three, or it might even be four part harmonies. They were unstoppable.

Of course by the time Prince got involved I’d moved on and although there are some goodies on their second album Different Light, notably the Big Star cover September Gurls, it was too saccharine for ears that had been diverted by the feedback drenched Jesus and Mary Chain.

Which made it even more surprising that album three Everything – was such a corker. A return to their 60s roots and all the better for it. Even the huge Mills and Boon inspired single Eternal Flame sounds great 20 years on.

On the subject of Guilty Pleasures, those who stuck with Susanna probably have a sneaky regard for her early 90s solo album When You Are A Boy which also has some top tunes in a better than Belinda Carlisle type way.

Since then Hoffs has dropped in and out of music. Taking time to have kids etc. The Bangles reunited for a quality album Dolls House, a few years back and still sounded great live. More recently the fabulous Hoffs vocals have been put to great use on the Sid n Susie album with legendary power popster Matthew Sweet. Kind of Rainy Day part two Hoffs shines on covers such as The Stone Poneys Different Drum and the Velvets; I’ll be your Mirror.

So happy birthday Susanna Hoffs. You look and sound as great as ever

More of this stuff from popjunkietv.com

Anorak

Posted: 13th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Guy Ritche Turns Nothing Into £50million

MADONNA’S spokeswoman says the singer has settled with ex-husband Guy Ritchie for between 50 and 60 million pounds ($76 million to $92 million) as part of their divorce agreement.

She says the figure includes the value of the couple’s country home Ashcombe in western England.

Here’s what the pundits have been saying:

MADONNA is handing Guy Ritchie a £32 million divorce pay-off, the News of the World can reveal. – NOTW

‘It was never about the money’: Guy Ritchie will get just £10million from Madonna in divorce settlement – Daily Mail

Madonna was desperate to paint Guy as a cor-blimey gold-digger just so she could look like the wronged woman. But for the first time in her life Madonna has failed to get exactly what she wants. If anyone has come out of this divorce smelling of roses it’s Geezer Guy – lock, stock and two smoking barrels – Daily Mirror

She’s got £300m, he’s got £30m, but…the Guy doesn’t want a penny – The Sun

Guy Ritchie is expected to take not a penny from Madonna in an effort to avoid unseemly public wrangling over their divorce. – The Times

And so on…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Van Halen’s M&Ms Rider In Full

THE Smoking Gun website has uneathed the  famous Van Halen tour rider in which is was “stipulated that brown M&M’s were to be banished from the band’s dressing room”.

This is the Mother of all Tour Riders, the one that made it possible for stars to order the sun to set at 7:54pm – in the East – that snow flakes should all match and that Cheryl Cole should cry 0.23 pints of saline solution each X Factor episode.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Lily Allen Watch: Girls Aloud Pale, Huq On Clinton And Madonna Splits

LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s look at the day’s top/ most pointless celebrity news stories…

Girls Aloud

Girls Aloud star Nicola Roberts looks even paler than usual – after a terrifying rollercoaster ride” – Gordon Smart, The Sun

Jeremy Clarkson

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 1st, December 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Gordon Smart’s Gets Outside Madonna And Guy Ritchie’s Divorce

GORDON Smart’s the Sun’s gossipy estate agent boasted in October 2008 that he had the skinny on Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce:

Sun Showbiz Editor Gordon’s inside view: But a game of emotional chess is beginning to unravel — and there are worrying signs this one is shaping up to get dirty.

In November, the divorce was granted, and we learnt:

In a sworn statement the court heard Madonna and Ritchie had not lived at the same address for six months but that Ritchie’s behaviour was continuing.

Ooops! Smart missed that one. Here’s some more inside news during that six months:

Anorak

Posted: 27th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)

For Ritchie And Poorer: Madonna And Guy Split The Kids

TODAY’S the day Madonna and Guy Ritchie go their separate ways: he to the pub and she to New York.

In what showbiz insiders are calling “the least acrimonious divorce in showbiz history”, the couple have agreed on who gets what, when and how.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna Waits For Diana Vickers

COME on Madonna, don’t go!

OK, go. Go already. But if you must leave Blighty do so once the X Factor results are in and we can stare as another singer simulates sex with a horse.

That chanteuse could be Diana Vikers, who not only has a name that rhymes with knickers (if your face, Laura White) but is also blonde.

Vickers should win if she continues not to sing in the contest, crying off with laryngitis and screaming at fireworks, as the Mirror reports on its front page.

Inside the paper, Madonna’s brother Christopher Ciccone is telling readers that his sister is moving to New York and that Guy Ritchie is “generally a miserable guy and he got worse”.

Why readers try to fathom out what it is that made Guy miserable, allegedly, Christopher tells us that his sister has designs on being a director and that “Two directors in a family is never going to work.”

It is for such reasons that the Scots never stood a chance, nor the Coppolas, the Coen brothers and so on.

Two people giving direction does not work. One needs to take. One needs to give, It is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship – see pages 17, 18, 19 and part of 20 in Madonna’s Boo ‘Sex’…

Anorak

Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Vadge And Bitchie: Learn To Speak Guy And Madonna

THE STAR reports that Madonna has orders Guy Ritchie to adhere to her rules.

They are the 10 Rules of Woman given to Man by Madge the Vadge.

Of course, a few days with Bitchie and the Open To Bids (Kids) will be speaking like their You’ve Been Had (Dad).

Here’s Anorak’s print out and keep guide to how She’s A Gonna (Madonna) can keep with her children, and better communicate with them:

Apples and Pears – Kabala Prayers

Adam and Eve – Mum’s wears a weave

Pony and Trap – See RocknRolla

Butcher’s Hook – Sex colouring book

Whistle and Flute – Divorce law suit

Porkie Pies – Non-macrobiotic diet

Trouble and Strife – Sent down for life

A-Rod – Better Bod

Dog And Bone – She’s never at home

Tit for Tat – We were once the perfect couple

As spoken in Malawi…

Anorak

Posted: 12th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Madonna’s Army Tries TO Kill Guy Ritchie

GUY RITCHIE must die, says Madonna fan.

…the unnamed teenager burst onto the set in Manchester, England, waving a 12-inch (30 centimetre) blade and yelled, “Where’s Guy? I’m going to kill him!”

As security guards wrestled the boy to the ground, he allegedly shouted, “I’m Madonna’s biggest fan! I’m gonna kill Guy!”

A source tells the publication, “The bloke was screaming about Guy and shouting, ‘I love Madonna’. It was terrifying. At first it seemed like a sick joke but it was soon obvious the knifeman was not messing around.

Madonna – she’s out there…

Source

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, November 2008 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)