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X Factor’s Miss Frank In Shock At Lucie Jones And Joe McElderry Row

miss-frankITN has the pleasure of delivering the greatest non-X Factory story of all time. No news is the new news. First, the headline:

Miss Frank explain tambourine bust-up

You can read about the Tambourine of Destiny here. And you can read ITN’s news here:

X Factor’s latest evictees Miss Frank say an alleged row between contestants about a tambourine has been blown out of proportion.

The row is now an “alleged row”. It might not even be a row:

It is claimed Lucie Jones was hit in the face with the instrument by Joe McElderry during rehearsals for their group song. But Miss Frank couldn’t believe the incident had made the newspapers.

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Posted: 26th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

X Factor: Danyl Johnson Saved By Stacey Solomon

danyl-johnson-8AND it came to pass that the X Factor did some down to Miss Frank, a would-be drag act named after a boutique in the Poole Arndale Centre, and Danyl Johnson, the Bronze Age Will Young.

Both acts are vastly superior to non-singing, non-dancing Lloyd Daniels and Return To Oz extras John & Edward.

Was Danyl undone by the story of his making Stacey Solomon cry? We waited. The judges would decide. Who stays?

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Posted: 25th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

The X Factor 12: The Infectious Olly Murs, Bronze Age Danyl Johnson And Acid Kandy Rain

hateWE’RE down to the last dozen in the X Factor. Anorak gives you pen portraits of the runners and riders:

OVER 25s

Olly Murs – Say his name quickly and it sounds like a child hood infection. “Oh, yes,” says the mum at the school gates. “He’s got Olly Murs, all over his back and groin.” One day everyone will want Olly Murs. But with Robbie Williams still around that day is not any time soon.

Danyl Johnson – That Danyl spells his name with a ‘y’ is the first and second most interesting thing about him. The third most remarkable thing is that when he sings he actually makes himself wince. He also looks like a Bronze Age version of Will Young trying to light a fire with his stare.

Jamie Archer – Jamie has huge hair. Vote now and often to keep Jamie on the stage so that no-one ever has to sit behind him at a concert, film or on a bus.


Joe McElderry – The north east’s answer Marti Pellow – if the question was, “What’s wetter than Marti Pellow?”

Lloyd Daniels – Blessed with an expression that says he left his geography homework on the bus and doesn’t care who knows it. Lloyd Daniels sounds a bit like Danielle Lloyd, the nation’s sweetheart. Look out for Lloyd taking his top off and setting off on a jinking run through the Spurs ladies football team.

Rikki Loney – He’s the cat in the hat. Rikki wears a hat because a) he’s going bald; b) it was his dying mum’s last wish; c) anything that distract you from his voice is worth a try; d) it’s what Michael Jackson would have wanted.


Stacey Solomon – The winner.

Rachel Adedegi – Devoid of the girly prettiness that the likes of her mentor Dannii Minogue pays big bucks for, Rachel needs to actually rely on her singing to win the X Factor. As such, she is shafted – but looks more than capable of wiping the smirk from any winner’s face – literally (right, Dermot?).

Lucie Jones – Lucie is Welsh. The Welsh, as we are often told are to singing what the Canadians are to seal clubbing. Lucie’s Welshness should secure her lots of votes from her army of Welsh fans who will drape themselves in dragon-themed flags to say how proud they are of Lucie, how all of Wales is praying for her and how Wales – did we mention wales? – is all about the singing, as anyone who has heard Cardiff fans giving full throat to “He’s sad, he’s fat, He is a f*cking twat, Leighton James, Leighton James…” will tunefully attest.


Kandy Rain – They used to be strippers. One of them used to do porn. If you thought stripping porn stars couldn’t sing you have not heard Kandy Rain. One listen and you’ll know…

Miss Frank – The name suggests a drag act. The music suggests being dragged out to a drunken night in a local karaoke bar.

John & Edward – When they Come to make Midwich Cuckoos The Musical, John and Edward will be shoo-ins for at least two of the lead roles. Hateful. Terrible. Depressing. Pretty much why the show is a hit.

The X Factor – making tomorrow’s has-beens…

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0