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Posts Tagged ‘movies’

Kate Winslet Lurves Roman Polanski Despite… Y’know… All That Having Sex With Children Thing

HEY! If you’re some kind of monster who has sex with underage girls, take solace in the fact that, no matter what, Kate Winslet will still love you.

Of course, we’re not talking about any ol’ kidfid here. This is a special, talented one. And that man is Roman Polanski who is on the run from the US police after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse with a 13-year-old girl.

Despite his penchant for cricket on a wicket with no grass, Kate is still ready to praise the “great” Polanski as she promoted his first film release since he was released from house arrest. Ain’t that sweet?

She said, forgetting about all that child stuff:

“When Roman Polanski invites you to join him in any project you really don’t say no. I felt extremely fortunate to be included. We were working with the great Roman Polanski. We are only human beings and we are still perfectly capable of being terrified, whoever we are.”

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Posted: 1st, September 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Gerard Depardieu Decides To Take A Wazz On A Flight, Which Is Understandable

WHAT would you do if you really needed to go to the toilet, but you found yourself stuck on a plane that wasn’t moving? You’d ask a steward/ess if you could go to the ‘rest room’ for ‘a rest’ wouldn’t you?

What happens if that flight attendant say “Non.”

Well, if you are called Gerard Depardieu, you’d flop your old chap out and take a long, drunken piss in the aisle of the plane. That’s exactly what you’d do because that’s precisely what has happened on an Air France flight.

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Posted: 17th, August 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)


Get Your Big Pants Ready! Bridget Jones 3 Is Coming!

HEY! Curvy women! The actually-thin-but-puts-weight-on-because-someone-pays-her-to Renée Zellweger is coming back to play Bridget Jones in an attempt to pretend she’s one of you, thereby making your worthless lives that little bit more recognisable.

Of course, that seems needlessly aggressive. Suffice to say, we’ve all got worthless lives, including Renée Zellweger.

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Posted: 12th, August 2011 | In: Film | Comment


Jennifer Aniston In Trouble For Gay Slur: Because Homophobia Is Good Box Office Unlike Racism

UH-OH! Jennifer Aniston is in a bit of trouble at the moment. No, it’s nothing to do with those thousands of episodes of Friends where she nearly had the whole world’s eye out thanks to a lack of bra under her vest, but rather, she’s said a homophobic slur.

Naturally, she’s isn’t some raging gay-basher, but rather, it is something she’s said in character.

Aniston plays a seductive dentist (sigh) called Dr Julia Harris in the new film, Horrible Bosses. In it, she tells her dental assistant:

“You’re starting to sound like a little faggot there, Dale.”

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Posted: 8th, July 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comments (4)


Hollywood Is Dead: Angry Birds Movie Is Considered

HOLLYWOOD is not in rude health. People can’t be bothered going to the cinema in quite the same numbers as they once did. Quite right too as cinemas are the most joyless places on Earth with their smell of disinfectant and outrageously priced snacks.

The worst element of the movies is the films shown themselves, often being turgid, generic fluff dribbled out to saps paying a tenner-a-pop, for which they’re supposed to be grateful.

And the latest nail in cinema’s coffin is the announcement that we could very well be treated to a feature length version of the irritatingly addictive Angry Birds game.

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Posted: 4th, July 2011 | In: Film | Comment


Harrison Ford Thinks Shia LaBeouf Is A ‘F**king Idiot’

WHEN Han Solo speaks, the world better listen. And Harrison Ford is serving up some truth pie as he points out that Shia LaBeouf is a ”f**king idiot”.

Now, apart from the fact it is quite obvious that Shia is a monumental berk, what prompted the Bladerunner star to say such a thing?

Well, it appears that Indiana Jones isn’t happy that LaBeouf said that he had ”dropped the ball” while filming Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull.

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Posted: 29th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Wife Laughs, Then Probably Cries, In The Face Of Reconciliation

BICEP brained Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably sat somewhere on his own right now, silently weeping over photographs of his family that he destroyed when he forgot to put a condom on while entering his maid and then keeping the resultant child a secret for a decade or so.

He’s probably sent texts to Maria Shriver, his soon-to-be-ex who will take him to the financial cleaners, saying ‘I can change’, which are clearly very funny if you read them aloud in his voice.

Arnold Schwarzenegger And Mildred Patricia Baena’s Love Child Photos

However, Maria is not interested, making it abundantly clear that there’s absolutely no chance of her giving their marriage another try.

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Quentin Tarantino And Lady GaGa To Team Up For A Movie?

SEEING as Quentin Tarantino allowed Lady GaGa to use the Kill Bill Pussywagon in the singer’s promotional video for Telephone, it isn’t surprising that the film director is looking at GaGa and thinking of putting her in one of his films.

And what better way to try and sweeten the deal than by getting Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to butter up the Judas singer while on a jolly at the Cannes Film Festival? Unless they tried to adopt her, which could be kinda irritating.

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Posted: 12th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment


Dan Aykroyd Has 21,000 Bottles Of Vodka Stolen From Him

POOR old Dan Aykroyd. He’s currently mourning the loss of 21,000 bottles of vodka stolen from him. He was, apparently, planning on drinking them this weekend as well.

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Posted: 12th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


There’s Nothing Cynical About JLS Wanting To Collaborate With Gwyneth Paltrow

BACKFLIPPING saccharine irritants and tepid pop dispensers, JLS, want to collaborate with Gwyneth Paltrow. Why? It might have something to do with the fact that she’s very famous, recently decided to become a singer, appeared warbling on an award ceremony with Cee Lo Green, married to insipid Coldplayer Chris Martin and is the talk of Tinseltown thanks to an appearance on TV smash, Glee.

Nothing cynical about that then.

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Posted: 11th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Robert Pattinson Wants To Bother Everyone With His Awful Singing

PERPETUAL bore and Twilight death-hunk Robert Pattinson has said he wants to reignite his music career. Did you not know he had a music career? Yes! He totally bought an acoustic guitar and likes singing his dreadful songs that sound like he’s got his genitals caught in a mangle.

See, before he stood very, very still and emoted one off into the faces of Twlighters, the incredibly tedious actor played in a band, like loads of misguided chumps! But this is Robert Pattinson, so it is more special, RIGHT?!

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Posted: 9th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)


Lea Michele Thinks Her Nose Will Take Lead Role In Glee Movie

HEY everyone! There’s going to be a Glee movie out this summer! How amazing is that? Not very? Well aren’t you a bunch of spoilsports?! In fairness, you’re spoilsports that are absolutely bang-on-the-money, but still, you could at least fake excitement for those dribbling idiots you know who can’t live without some Glee in their life.

That’s right. There are people who actively seek out television shows filled with grinning Americans performing thousand-part harmonies while dancing around with all the sex appeal of a hat stand.

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Posted: 6th, May 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


Katie Holmes Settles With Rag That Accused Her Of Being A Druggie

JUST because Katie Holmes married Scientology poster-boy Tom Cruise, it doesn’t mean she’s on drugs. The taking of drugs explains a lot of erratic behaviour, but Katie is keen to point out that, if you think she’s a bit of a lunatic, she’s like that of her own free-will.

And this whole drug thing has seen the actress settling a defamation claim with US celebrity magazine, Star, after they falsely suggested that she was constantly ripped to her tits on good quality drugs.

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Posted: 29th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Hayden Panettiere Chillingly Tells Everyone About Her Dad Making Her Scream As A Child

HAYDEN Panettiere will be required to do a lot of screaming in the new Scream flick, unless of course, she gets bumped off early doors like Drew Barrymore did in the first of the franchise.

And weirdly, she’s decided to come clean about how she got so good at screaming in the first place – her father used to make her shriek, repeatedly, when she was small.

So how did he do this?

One can only assume that he mastered the art of springing out at her from behind doors and doing his best to strangle her to death or, indeed, spend balmy sunny afternoons tying her up and inserting art scalpels into the beds of her fingernails.

Right? That’s the logical thing to think, isn’t it?

Of course it isn’t you sick pervert. The truth of the matter is that Hayden’s father is an immensely paranoid man who was constantly in fear of something terrible happening to his future pension.

“I’m a fireman’s daughter and he always taught me, because I’m such a small girl, that you always have to look like you have somewhere to be and someone’s gonna miss you if you (don’t) get there.”

“He used to tell me all the time when I went to the mall with my friends, ‘What do you do if somebody comes up and grabs you?’ He taught me to scream, ‘You’re not my daddy, you’re not my daddy’.

This is perfectly normal isn’t it? Nothing wrong here.

“So I had a lot of practice screaming, ‘You’re not my daddy’. Now it just sounds wrong. But I’m pretty good at screaming.”

So there you have it. Parents are all clearly imbeciles.

Posted: 14th, April 2011 | In: Film | Comment


Vanessa Hudgens Defends Her Skimpy Outfits In Sucker Punch

GOOD lord! Hollywood hasn’t got a history of using women as sex objects in movies… until now that is! See, the shock and scandal is that, in new action flick – Sucker Punch – Vanessa Hudgens and her costars all parade around in very little clothing and it has people all in a tizz!

In the film, onanists will be able to enjoy the bodies of Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Emily Browning and more, all charging around in tiny slips of material. Of course, this has never happened before in the history of film.

As such, Variety were absolutely correct to gripe that this movie is nothing more than “fantasy fodder for 13-year-old guys” and that the assembled ladies are sporting nothing more than “demeaning fetish gear”.

Cor. Demeaning fetish gear eh? PHWOAR. The cinemas could well set ablaze with the friction from young men rubbing their thighs too furiously.

But whatever. Hudgens doesn’t agree with these mewing Mary Whitehouse sorts.

“I was in the best shape of my life, so why not? The woman’s body is a beautiful thing. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t, like, be our best in our costumes.”

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Posted: 12th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Lynch Mob Is The Best Damn Mobster-Cannibal-Zombie Film Of 2009

lynch-mobTHE next big cult movie hit will be Lynch Mob, the ultimate mafia-cannibal-zombie film. Anorak’s Man in LA gets preview:

Hollywood isn’t the only place churning out movie news and movie hits. TB’s pal in Atlanta, movie producer Keith Walker, tells us that the long-awaited mobster-cannibal-zombie flick, Lynch Mob has finally made it to theatres around the country and is getting a lot of attention – and screams – for being one of the few mobster-cannibal-zombie-horror selections out there.

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Posted: 26th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment