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How To Cook Nigella’s Goose: The Grillo Sisters’ Recipe For Revenge (Cold Cuts)

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WANT to know about the “REAL” Nigella Lawson? The Grillo sisters are here to stick the knife into Nigella’s voluptuous moist goose.*

RYAN PARRY, EMMA FOSTER and JAMES BEAL (three journalists in capital letters) tells us that “DOMESTIC Goddess Nigella Lawson took a string of shortcuts at Christmas — despite her image as the perfect festive hostess.”

The Grillo sisters – and what about that name for an Italian lean, mean grilling machine, readers? –  are “ex-servants Francesca Grillo and sister Elisabetta”.

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Posted: 24th, December 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Nigella Lawson Trial: How Courtroom Artists Show Her Inner And Outer Turmoil

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NIGELLA Lawson v her now former personal assistants Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo was pretty entertaining for anyone not directly involved in the matter. Nigella did enjoy being pulled apart in court with no right of reply; and the sisters look too stressed to morph their new-found fame into a stint in the celebrity jungle.

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Posted: 24th, December 2013 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


The 8 Most Terrible Things We’ve Learned About Nigella Lawson

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HUGE swathes of the press are incredibly excited about the Nigella Lawson court case because they’re getting loads of juicy information on her private life without having to rummage around in bins, tap phones or interview a soul!

Perfect for the modern, lazy hack.

However, it seems that no-one on Fleet Street has actually realised what is being revealed – that Nigella is actually very normal and that the life of a celebrity is crushingly similar to most people’s.

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Posted: 5th, December 2013 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


Why the photographer never stepped in to stop Charles Saatchi hurting Nigella Lawson ‘immensely’

HAVING seen The People set the global news agenda with its scoop on Charles Saatchi and Nigella Lawson rowing in public, the Sun continues to play catch-up. In today’s update the paper announces “Nigella’s row with Saatchi ‘27 mins’” and reports the words of the photographer who recorded the action:

The cameraman, known only as Jean-Paul, said: “What I saw was 27 minutes of madness. That’s how long the abuse lasted. It is disgusting that people think the assault on Nigella was so short. It was shocking. The first time her head jolted backwards really got me.”

Adding:

“He’s a big man and this would have hurt Nigella immensely.”

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Posted: 24th, June 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Nigella Lawson Watch: the day Charles Saatchi attacked Elvis Costello and some kids

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THE Sun says Nigella Lawson has lost weight. The Sun says Nigella “paced 20 yards to a restaurant”. Nigella, “dressed in knee-length boots , trousers and blouse” is not wearing a wedding ring.

All vital information for us to hold dear lest something happens to the TV cook. The tabloids have already been helping the police with their enquiries, The People publishing pictures of Mr Nigella, Charles Saatchi, holding his wife about the throat. He’s now got a police record.

Speaking to the London Evening Standard, Saatchi said:

“Although Nigella made no complaint, I volunteered to go to Charing Cross station and take a police caution after a discussion with my lawyer because I thought it was better than the alternative of this hanging over all of us for months.”

The Sun goes on to look at victims of domestic violence. Loretta Butterworth, whose husband got an 18-month community order for stamping on her, says she “hopes Nigellas know when to walk away”. Tina Nash, who was blinded by her boyfriend (Shane Jenkin was given a life sentence for gouging out her eyes), says women should flee abuseive relationships “before it’s too late”.

The Sun understands. It zoom in on Nigella sat at a cafe table in London’s Mayfair. Should Lawson invade her personal space, the Sun’s man with a long lens will not hesitate to fire at will. He will then report the matter to his editors, who will create a story around the images and publish the lot as the next day’s news. That’s how much the Sun despises domestic abuse. Where ever it is, the Sun’s women protectors will photograph it from range.

In other news, the Independent’s John Walsh appears on his paper’s cover to tell readers:

From charmer to bully: My encounter with Charles Saatchi – I’ve never met a man with such strict views on what music my son should buy

From being rough with a woman to dictating to kids, Saatchi is being undone. Walsh remembers the horror:

It was the King’s Road, Chelsea, about seven years ago. I was in the HMV record store, now sadly extinct. My son, aged 14, was prowling the CD racks; I was down the other end of the store, browsing the (ahem) European arthouse cinema. There I met Nigella, with whom I worked at The Sunday Times years ago. We chatted and she said, “Come and meet Charles”. He was taller than I expected, dark-eyed and watchful, in a white shirt and long black coat – a saturnine figure, who turned his gaze upon a stranger like a cobra eyeing its quaking prey.

A few days ago, Charles Saatchi was an advertising man who collected lots of art. He is now The Hoodle Claw. Walsh gives an example of what he calls bullying:

We ambled to the music section. I introduced my son Max to Nigella’s son Bruno. Each boy was carrying a pile of CDs they were hoping their dads would buy them. Charles took his stepson’s pile and leafed through it. “Mmm… mmm… good,” he murmured, at the boy’s choices.  Then, “What’s this?” he said, about a classic rock album from the  1960s. “You’re not having that,” said Saatchi, firmly. “Why live in the past? What’s wrong with modern stuff?” While his stepson tried to protest, Saatchi flicked through my son’s CDs like a Customs official. “Yeah… good… no wait. Why d’you want this?” He held up This Year’s Model by Elvis Costello. “I like Elvis Costello,” said Max. “Why shouldn’t I?”

“I don’t think so,” said Saatchi in a don’t-argue-with-me-voice. “Why d’you want to go back to the old days? Absolutely not.” Max, outraged, looked at me as though to ask, “Is this guy, like, in charge?”

Ah, the poor lambs. They are now cast as hapless victims or an orchestrated, relentless campaign to mock their music tastes. Let’s hope with therapy the devastated victims can escape psychological problems and go on to buy all The Who’s albums on iTunes.

Posted: 20th, June 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Nigella Lawson sexism row: Nick Griffin is ‘nowhere near as attractive as he thinks he is’

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WITH the Celebrity Police Force investigating, Charles Saatchi tells one and all that the photos of him apparently holding his wife Nigella Lawson’s throat were part of a “playful’ tiff”.

He tells the Evening Standard:

“The pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place…

“About a week ago, we were sitting outside a restaurant having an intense debate about the children, and I held Nigella’s neck repeatedly while attempting to emphasise my point. There was no grip, it was a playful tiff. Nigella’s tears were because we both hate arguing, not because she had been hurt. We had made up by the time we were home. The paparazzi were congregated outside our house after the story broke yesterday morning, so I told Nigella to take the kids off till the dust settled.”

The story does not end there. Ever since the Sunday People published the photos, the story has been a cause of chatter. The Sunday Mirror even made a joke of it all, punning that TV cook Nigella was at “BOILING POINT“.

A few days on and vain arsehat Nick Griffin, the BNP’s monocular tosser, who thanks to the democratic experiment has the mandate from 120,139 voters, tweets:

If I had the opportunity to squeeze Nigella Lawson, her throat wouldn’t be my first choice.

The Mirror gets wind of that stupid comment and reports:

Controversial politician makes derogatory sexual comment about celebrity chef

Others would surely prefer to look at the fact that Griffin fancies a Jewish mother of two. (Griffin claimed he fell out with Tyndall over the latter’s policy on Muslims: “Because he hated Jews so much, he thought Muslims couldn’t be all that bad if they didn’t like Jews” – Times)

But let’s not analyse the pillock. Let’s just note that the Mirror made its own joke at a time when it appeared to be alleging that Nigella had been the victim of domestic violence. Classy stuff.

The Express picks up on the story. It thunders: “Outrage as BNP leader Nick Griffin makes sick joke about Nigella Lawson on Twitter”.

This would be the Express whose sister paper the Daily Star once backed the EDL? The Express that asked of Nigella, “So has TV’s yummy cook out a bit too much in her tummy?” Is this the Express whose sister organ, Channel X, is showing this week such right-on films as Angel’s Gutter Girls, Skint Students and St Teenycums Nymphic Games 1? Is that the same Express outraged by “derogatory sexual comment about the celebrity chef? 

The Daily Mail once invited us to look at Nigella’s “jumbo knees”. And ITV infamously tweeted: [Nigella Lawson] is “nowhere near as attractive as she thinks she is”.

Be outraged by Nick Griffin. Be more outraged that people actually elected him to be an MEP (one reason to quit the EU, surely, Mr Farage). But if you are going to outraged by sexism, recognise that it’s not only racial bigots who champion it…

Posted: 17th, June 2013 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment (1)


Nigella Lawson choke: celebrity police force probe the ‘Expoder in the bag’ mystery

THE CELEBRITY Police Force has been summoned to hang out with Nigella Lawson and her husband Charles Saatchi. Yesterday’s pictures of Saatchi with his hand about the TV cook’s have led to CPF action. The Mirror, which broke the story, thunders from its front page:

“Police Probe Nigella Choke Attack”

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Posted: 17th, June 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Nigella Lawson in alleged fight with husband Charles Saatchi – Sunday People conveys full horror with a pun

TV cook Nigella Lawson is alleged to have been manhandled in public by her husband Charles Saatchi. The Sunday Mirror tells its readers of an alleged incident outside Scott’s in London’s Mayfair:

Nigella Lawson attacked by husband: See shocking pictures of Charles Saatchi repeatedly squeezing TV chef’s throat

Adding:

Her eyes are transfixed as she struggles to prise away the powerful hand squeezing around her throat.

Dramatic and ugly stuff. But we don’t know the whys and wherefores. All we have is the Mirror’s interpretation of a photograph.

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Posted: 15th, June 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment


Nigella Lawson Will Not Be Losing Any Weight Anytime Soon, Okay?

WOMEN! Are you ‘curvy’? That’s cool. Curves are all well and good. Unless, of course, you’re one of those hideous simpletons who consider ‘curvy’ women to be ‘real’, therefore rendering thinner women ‘fictional’.

See, there’s been a propensity for some gals to throw ‘curvy’ at everyone, usually due to the fact that they’re imagining that everyone thinks they’re fat. For the most part, people are lost in their own daydreams and couldn’t care less about the weight of other humans, leaving all talk of ‘I’m fine with my weight ACTUALLY!’ looking like a hang-ups klaxon.

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Posted: 26th, April 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


If Nigella Lawson Presented The Weather Like A Sex Chat Line (Video)

IF Nigella Lawson presented the weather, she’d do it like Weather Channel presenter Stephanie Abrams. She’d talk about being unloaded on. She’s talk about the weather going in and out. She’d moisten a finger and hold it up the wind…

Posted: 6th, January 2011 | In: TV & Radio | Comment


ITV News Attacks Nigella Lawson On Twitter

NIGELLA Lawson is “nowhere near as attractive as she thinks she is”. Not our opinion, rather that of an ITV news worker who appears to have logged into the wrong Twitter account. The message lasted only a short while before being deleted…

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Posted: 20th, December 2010 | In: Technology | Comment (1)


Osama bin Laden Mistaken At Airport For Russell Brand

AT Manchester airport, face-recognition machines are in operation.

The Telegraph has seen an internal email:

“Update on the calibration – the facial recognition booths are letting passengers through at 30%. Changes appear to have been made without any explanation [or] giving anyone a reason for the machines [creating] what is in effect a 70% error rate.

“[The fact that] the machines do not operate at 100% is unacceptable. In addition it would be interesting to know why the acceptance level has been allowed to decrease.”

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Posted: 6th, April 2009 | In: Reviews | Comment


Nigel Lawson’s Law: All Fat Peopel Want To Look Rich

NIGELLA Lawson would like to tell Mail readers about her husband Charles Saatchi’s “nine eggs a day diet.”

In an exclusive interview with The Mail on Sunday’s You magazine today, 48-year-old Ms Lawson says her husband’s ‘completely mad eggs, eggs and more eggs diet’ now means that he is thinner than her.

Anorak recalls how former chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson, the masculine singular root of Nigella, also lost a shed load of weight.

It seems odd that the two males most associated with Nigella both now resemble the Christmas turkey that got away.

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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)