Noirin Kelly | Anorak

Posts Tagged ‘Noirin Kelly’

Armed Police Called To Big Brother Nigger Row

noirinIN “Death of Big Brother”, Daily Star readers who may have mistaken the show for a morbid study of the bits left in the bath after the rest of life has swirled down the plughole, are told that it is an amazingly entertaining thing.

There was a “nigger row, live sex and bullying”. In short, all the elements of a successful big Brother were there, but they just weren’t broadcast.

BIG Brother’s sexiest babe claims TV bosses have covered up racism and bullying to avoid another Jade Goody scandal. Fiery Noirin Kelly says that since Channel 4 axed the 24-hour live feed, viewers are not seeing what’s really going on.

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Posted: 21st, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Big Brother’s Siavash Tells Noirin To Go

noirin-marcusBIG Brother is not as terrible as it was a couple of weeks ago. Why is hard to say. It might be the rain, or fumes from Lady Anorak IV’s imported Latvian hairspray.

This week, one of ‘I’m’ Noirin and Marcus Saxondale will be leaving the house.

Marcus loves Noirin. He loves Noirin for the same reason that Siavash loves Noirin, and Sree loved Noirin: she is pretty enough but not too pretty.

She appears accessible. She make ordinary men believe they have chance. She is also so needy that Esther Rantzen has opened a 0800 number for her and Terry Wogan is keen to do a telethon.

Recently, Noirin has taken to smooching Siavash Sabbaghpour. Now Sabbpuss, poor Sabbpuss, dear Sabbpuss, old fat furry cat-puss has been dumped because Noirin’s former boyfriend, US musician Isaac Stout, has been parachuted into her embrace.

Sabbpuss, wake up, and look at this thing that I bring. Look:

Noirin: “Can I say I never wanted this to happen? Can I say that I think you’re a really cool guy.”

You can say whatever you like, Noirin, because Sabbpuss is refreshingly bitter.

Siavash: “What has happened has happened. No grudges. This is three times now Noirin. Three times you’ve f***** me over. Good luck. There’s not much to be said.”

No grudges. Just bitterness.

Wake up, Sabbpuss. Be bright, be golden and light… So can they be, you know, friends?

Noirin: “What would you do if you were in my position?”
Siavash: “I would leave.”
Noirin: “Everyone knows here who was the one chasing me, so don’t f****** act like I’m the one. You’re making out that I should leave because everyone hates me.”
Siavash: “Noirin, what people think of you has got nothing to do with me.”

And so it goes. But who goes? Noirin is 2-9 on to leave. She will go. Big

Brother voters are spiteful to a man and will want to end Noirin’s stay in the limelight.

This leave Marcus with his lamb chops to form an anti-Noirin pact with Sabbpuss, the pair of them sat in a dark corner of a dusty shop waiting for a real life flesh and blood girl to make them come alive.

It promises to be a long wait…


Posted: 30th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Big Brother’s Sophie Reade Is Going Bald

sophie-reade-baldBIG Brother was Michael Jackson’s favourite show. Well so he told us. But, then the story goes that Jackson was off his faces on drugs and his second favourite show was Lovejoy.

And the links between Jackson and Big Brother just keep on coming. Not only are both entertainment forms dead, but the house’s resident cosmetic surgery enthusiast Sophie Reade is going bald. Like Michael Jackson:

Says (I’m) Noirin Kelly: “You’re pulling out your hair extensions and the hair’s coming with it! You’re gonna go bald. You’re balding.”
Lisa: “You’re scalp’s terrible.”
Noirin: “You’ve still got a pretty face – that’s all that matters.”

And Anorak wonders. The blonde hair. The fair skin. The hairlessness? The sexless sexual indiscretions?It’s uncanny.

Can it be that Sophie Reade is Jackson’s child?

Add it to the lit of talking points that will follows Jackson’s burial and keep alive the man who will continues to live on in the tabloids long after his burial…

Posted: 6th, July 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother Sree An ‘Illegal’ Immigrant

sreeHAVING been forced under EU regulations to import wannabes to keep the EU Celebrity Mountain topped up, Big Brother could be in trouble. It turns out that Sree Dasari, aka The Shadow, is in Britain illegally, maybe.

The Sun says that Sree, 25, is visiting from India on a student visa. What he is studying is not said but Anorak believes it to be Noirin Kelly’s back.

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Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Big Brother Bullying Makes Us Cry

sree-big-brotherCONGRATULATIONS to all of you who chose Week 3 in the Big Brother Bullying Sweepstake.

The Sun brings news that Sree is a victim of housemates’ bullying.

Sree is the one draped over Noirin like a wet flannel. Noirin, who like Sree, Rodrigo, Angel and Cairon has been imported to make up for an alarming shortfall in British wannabes (we are all celebs now, darling), may be the first person to suffocate a housemate live on British telly.

As for the bullying…

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Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Big Brother Lisa’s Anorexic Hissy Fit

noirin-kelly-faceSIGNS of life in the Big Brother house, where I’m Noirin has gone on hunger strike and Lisa Wallace is competing with Marcus Saxondale to be the most offended.

For those of you unaware, Noirin’s face has been used as a blank canvas. Those glass and moustache are not her own and she must wear her inky mask until told to wash it off.

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Posted: 15th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother’s Noirin Kelly Was On MTV’s The Real World

test-cardBIG Brother’s Noirin Kelly appeared on MTV’s The Real World Sydney in 2007.

It seems that Big Brother really has run out of contestants, featuring as it now does Page 3 stunna Sophie Reade, Page 3 stunna’s lover Kris Donnelly, Indian national Sree Dasari, Russian Angel McKenzie, Brazilian Rodrigo Lopes,  FHM high street honey Karly Ashworth, and American Cairon Austin-Hill.

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Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

One Female Big Brother Housemate Is A Man

cairon-austin-hillNEWS on Big Brother’s Cairon, the 18-year-old American.

One thing we need to clear up: Cairon is not gay.

Cairon is so straight he feels uncomfortable about wiping his own arse and only ever walks in straight lines, never walks backwards and doesn’t even know what being gay is let alone how to spell it.

Problem is, what if one of the female housemates turns out to be a man?

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Posted: 6th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Big Brother Freddie Fisher’s Porn Shockzzzzzzz

freddie-fisher1ONLY two newspapers lead with Big Brother: The Sun (pictures in the left-hand column of a few of the sluttier-looking housemates) and the Star, which ignores news of the House of Commons and calls for Gordon Brown to be booted out of Number 10 with an entire publication given over to “BIG BROTHER BONKERS”.

Screams the Star:

“Every one a sex-starved nutter.”

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Posted: 5th, June 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)