Posts Tagged ‘Nominative Determinism’
Man Called Hole Encouraged Shot Son To Pose With Loaded Gun
MICHAEL Hole was sentenced to five year jail at Cardiff Crown Court for encouraging his teenage stepson, Lewis Bailey, to pose for photographs with a loaded gun – the boy accidentally shot himself in the head. (Nominative determinism, readers.)
The 50-year-old says he found the semi-automatic .25 Beretta series 950 gun on wasteground near the family home. Lewis wanted Bailey to pose for a shot on his mobile phone. Bailey aimed the gun at his temple. He pulled the trigger. A bullet passed through his brain. Hole called the ambulance – and legged it.
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Posted: 19th, June 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)
Briton In Red Shirt Protest Threatens To Burn Down Thai Shopping Mall: Shopping Mall Burns Down
HERE’S Jeff Savage, of Tonbridge in Kent and Thailand’s Red Shirt International Brigade, vowing to burn down a Bangkok shopping centre. A few days later and Central World was alight.
People used to travel to Thailand for the weed, spectacular scenery, child porn and those noodles – now they go for the ultra violence. Let no-one accuse the Thais of resting on their laurels.
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Man Pretends To Be Woman To Marry Three Men For Their Money
A CHINESE man called – get this – Wang Mou (oh, nominative determinism) pretend to be woman in order to marry men for their money.
Proper Wang Introduces Nominative Determinism
Wang Mou is18. He has slim hips, bed-ready hair and soft skin. The Dahe Daily says he married three men in 2010, and each time legged it with the money. Says he:
“A lot of people mistake me for a woman on first sight.”
But he never married on first sight. He married after many sightings.
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Posted: 12th, May 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)
ABC Hires Reporter Jack Meoff: Nominative Determinism At Work
GOOGLE says that ABC News has a new blogger with a very interesting name: “Jack Meoff.” It’s nominative determinism, readers.
As our Man in LA writes:
No, seriously. The byline showed up on Google searches this week and was spotted by the website RawStory.com.
In actuality, the blog in question was written by the alphabet network’s White House reporter Jake Tapper (whose brother Didja Tapper works for Hustler magazine – kidding).
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Posted: 9th, May 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Goodluck Jonathan Sworn In As Nigerian President
DAVID Cameron and Gordon Brown, we have news from Nigeria where the country’s President Umaru Yar’Adua, who died Thursday at just 58, has been replaced by Goodluck Jonathan.
Nominative determinism at work…
Posted: 7th, May 2010 | In: Politicians | Comment
Tiges Woods, David Boreanaz And The Rachel Uchitel Rumour
IS Tiger’s Woods’ old associate Rachel Uchitel the other woman in married Bonez (nominative determinism, folks) star David Boreanaz’s life story? Radar says the mistress tried to get money out of him by threatening to sell the story.
Boreanaz has already confessed to cheating on his wife of 9 years, Jaime Bergman, in People Magazine:
“Our marriage has been tainted with my infidelities. I just want to be open and honest. I was irresponsible. I was associated with a woman who I was involved with and had a relationship with. She asked for money. I felt as though I was being blackmailed or there was some sort of extortion.”
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Posted: 4th, May 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Man With Not Stable Home Admits Buggering A Donkey
JOSEPH Squires, 66, is in the dock at Leicester Crown Court charged with buggering a donkey “between February 2 and February 5, 1999”. Despise the man and the crime, but you’ve got the admire the lad’s stamina.
It is also alleged that Mr Squires – yep, more nominative determinism at work – did bugger a horse between March 15 and 18, 2004.
Says his brief Amar Mehta – and he really did say this:
“The defendant does not have a stable address…”
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Posted: 13th, April 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)
Nominative Determinism Of The Week: Introducing Islam Supremacist Abdullah Hakim Quick
ALL hail Muslim supremacist and nominative determinism hero of the day Abdullah Hakim Quick. What do we know about the delightful Mr Hakim Quick?
US-born Muslim preacher Abdullah Hakim Quick, who has described Jews as “filthy” and advocates the execution of homosexuals, will not be participating in a Swedish young Muslim conference he was scheduled to speak at over Easter weekend…
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Koc Fighter: Wood Green Pitbull Is Monobrow Of The Week
MEHMET Koc, 19, from Haringey, north London, is not only a victim of nominative determinism but also our Monobrow of the Week. Mr Koc, who long with Matthew Joannou, used his pitbull-type dogs to savage police officers was jailed for five years today at Wood Green Crown Court.
The Monobrow entered a plea of diminished responsibility…
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Nominative Determinism of the Day: Mr Stump The Dog Trainer
NOMINATIVE Determinism of the Day: Mr Stump The Dog Trainer – hospital visits, too!
Posted: 18th, March 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Porn For Bibles: Texas Group Organsies Bible Amensty
IN San Antonio, you are invited to join ‘Smut for Smut’, a campaign sponsored by the student group, Atheist Agenda and exchange your Bibles for some decent porn. It’s a Bible amnesty.
Says group member Carlos Morales (oh, nominative determinism):
“We are comparing their religious text to pornography…”
There aren’t all that many photos in the Bible. But thanks to some terrific artists there are lots of impressions of naked breasts, a memorable rendition of David’s penis and Eve clad in a fig leaf and cheeky grin.
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Posted: 3rd, March 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comments (13)
Ms Porn Is Hamlin Garden School’s Popular Teacher
NOMINATIVE determinism brings us Ms Porn, a teacher at the Hamlin Garland Elementary school in Milwaukee. Mr Smith is thought to be a popular pseudonym.
Spotter: Tabloid Prodigy
Posted: 2nd, March 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)
Cheryl Cole Gives Ashley Another Chance As John Terry Shakes
CHERYL and Ashley Cole: The Daily Express leads with news that asks readers to wonder and debate:
Cheryl and Ashley: can the mum’s fix it?
This would be Cheryl’s mum, Joan Callaghan, of whom the Mirror told us:
Ashley Cole’s furious mum-in-law yesterday began packing his bags to kick him out of his marital home – as his pals claimed Cheryl may give him one last chance.
Cheryl’s mum doesn’t sound too keen. What of Ashley’s Cole’s mum – yes, he does have one. ashley’s mum is called… Sue. The rules of nominative determinism dictate that Sue must be treated kindly.
Chenille Steel: ‘Kisses’ Ashley Cole ‘Might Have John Terry’s Baby’
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Posted: 26th, February 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Dildo Wins Prestigious Canadian Tourist Award
IN the town of Dildo, Newfoundland, things have “gone high-tech” at the George House Heritage Bed and Breakfast.
The B&B has won the fifth annual Tourism Atlantic Technology Award for “bringing its five-room operation into the 21st century”.
Dildo’s leading hotel managed to score publicity by plugging itself on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Google. There is even an online booking facility on a fancy website. And not forgetting a Dildo blog.
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Posted: 25th, February 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)
The Battle For Tickle Cock Bridge
TICKLE Cock Bridge is Tickle Cock Bridge was ever Castleford, West Yorkshire’s, Tickle Cock Bride and must remain Tickle Cock Bridge.
It is not Tittle Cott bridge, as the plaque bearing that dread name says it is. Castleford Area Voice for the Elderly say it is Tickle Cock Bridge. It is a name they grew up with. The new plaque carries the legend “Tickle Cock”.
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Posted: 19th, February 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comments (4)
Proper Wang Introduces Nominative Determinism
FOR some time, Anorak has brought you the pick of nominative determinisms. And now we introduce the businessman with the name to end all names. We give you Proper Wang, Management Technology maestro of the Eunics Team in Beijing. Mr Wang, the floor and a small furrow in the carpet is yours…
And a job in the City among the Big Swining Dicks is yours whenever you want it.
Posted: 11th, February 2010 | In: Money | Comment (1)
Farmer Filder Forced To Demolish His Castle
ROBERT Fidler, of Salfords, Surrey, must demolish his home. Mr Fidler built a castle, with turrets. And a canon. Mr Fidler did not get planning permission.
The home was hidden behind bales of straw and tarpaulin for four years. He believed that after this time, a legal loop hole would allow him to keep his house.
Then a Government inspector said that the removal of the straw bales constituted part of the building works and the four-year immunity rule would not apply. To the High Court, then.
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Posted: 3rd, February 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)
Men Choose BAAPS For Boob Jobs: Fact
DID you know that more men are having boob jobs than ever before? The BBC, no less, tells us that breast reduction for men is the “fastest growing part of the cosmetic surgery industry for the second year running”.
Last year a whopping 581 men had their breasts trimmed, a rise from 323 in the previous year. That’s an 80% increase. And then this:
Pressure created by men’s magazines was partly to blame, one surgeon said.
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Posted: 1st, February 2010 | In: Strange But True | Comments (3)
Prince William Meets The Colonials In Australia: In Pictures
PRINCE William is in Australia. Yesterday the Prince avoided meeting Kiwi Warwick Slow (nominative determinism, folks), who hoped to present Wills with a string of sausages and a loaf of bread and thereby secure his hand in marriage and a Republic for new Zealand. In Oz, Wills met Delta Goodrem, famous for following Kerry Katona’s into former Westlife warbler Brian McPaddings bed and being sick on Neighbours. He also met Australia’s Governor-General, Her Excellency Quentin Bryce, who keeps the colonials in control with firm hard and fizzy beer:
Posted: 19th, January 2010 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Barack Obama Appoints Shit Fun Chew To BBC Czar: Fact
THE BBC loves Barack Obama. So much does it love Barack Obama that it brings Radio 4 listeners Obama’s Babies – of which we are not all, yet: The blurb tells us:
In Swahili Obama means ‘blessed one’ and mothers across Africa were quick to bestow the name on their offspring. ‘Obama babies’ followed in America and across Europe as parents grasped at the hope that the President Elect’s magic could rub off on their children. But one year on and with the President’s dreams being tested by reality, how have some of the babies named after him fared?
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Posted: 15th, January 2010 | In: Politicians | Comment
Michael Jackson Hotel Museum Destined For Plymouth
WHO’S up for staying at David Gest’s hotel-museum dedicated to the King of Prop Michael Jackson? No, it’s not in Neverland. It’s in Plymouth, a Whenever Land in Devon.
Says Gest (soon to be a product of nominative determinism):
“I’ve always loved Plymouth. I want to bring a little bit of showbiz to the city.”
Plymouth needs no little showbiz sprinkle of desiccated Jackson, it being the birthplace of such luminaries as Sir Donald Sinden, George Passmore of Gilbert and George, Sharron Davies, Wayne Sleep and Angela Rippon, most of whom are alive.
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Posted: 30th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Haywood Jablome Saves World From Global Warming
NOMINATIVE determinism is not needed when the hack is too lazy or jaded to get the interviewees real name or make one up. In this Fargo newspaper, readers see Haywood Jablome shovelling snow…
Posted: 28th, December 2009 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Dancing On Ice Atack: Armed Heather Mills In Fight To The Death
MORE Dancing On Ice news as the Daily Star delivers “MACCA V MUCCA – Couple go to war on telly dance show”
THE vicious family feud between ice queen Heather Mills and Sir Paul McCartney is to re-ignite live on telly.
Lady Mucca is armed with a blade on the end of a detachable leg. She’s Rosa Klebb in sequins and spandex. Against her stands Paul McCartney, who with his bobbling head is presents a moving target. Who wins?
One-legged Heather, 41, will face off against the singer’s cousin in Dancing On Ice. Insiders say blonde bombshell Emily Atack, 20, wants to be the ranting model’s “worst nightmare” on the rink.
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Posted: 23rd, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Tiger Woods: In Pictures Theresa Rogers And Julie Postle
TIGER WOODS Women: Introducing Theresa Rogers and Julie Postle. After Jaimee Grubbs is this more nominative determinism? Our golf correspondent Theresa Green takes up the story.
After Mindy Lawton, Jaimee Grubbs, Kalika Moquin, Jamie Jungers, Rachel Uchitel, Holly Sampson, Cori Rist and Josyln James, here are Theresa Rogers and Julie Postle.
Theresa Rogers has, reportedly, secured the services of attorney, Gloria Allred, who counts Rachel Uchitel as a client.
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Posted: 15th, December 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (6)
I’m A Celebrity: Gino D’Acampo Is New Captain Birds Eye
I’M A Celebrity: Gino D’Acampo wins the show and the press goes wild for the This Morning’s first reserve chef, the country most famous Gino since Dexy’s Midnight Runners sang about a Birmingham mini cab driver and Captain Birds Eye enthused about his Gino Ginelli Tutti Frutti ice cream.
Well, not exactly wild. In fact, only the Daily Star leads with Gina In Da Campo (more nominative determinism at work), telling its readers that he is “King of the jungle”.
As Gino sits at one bed of the Blue Peter Garden, atop the mound where Percy Thrower was last seen weeding the vegetable patch, we deliver our I’m A Celebrity news round-up.
I’M A Celebrity’s Gino D’Acampo is out to challenge Gordon Ramsay – by launching his own TV food show in which he is NICE.
You mean telly shows like on Ready, Steady Cook, Masterchef, Delia Smith Boils An Egg, Nigella Lawson’s Sex & Sauce shows, Hugh Furry Rabbit’s Tails country kitchen and just about any other TV cooking show that doesn’t feature the vain Ramsay belittling people?
Maybe he can do it naked?
“I was very horny in there. It was three weeks without sex. And they put me in a knocker camp surrounded by women with big boobies. It drove me wild.
“All my dreams and energy ended up concentrated in one part of my body. Things got so bad that when Kim said she would pose nude for a magazine, I found myself saying: ‘I’d buy that!’
What about the local news? The Borehamwood Times tells its readers that one their own has won:
ELSTREE chef Gino D’Acampo was crowned king of the jungle in the final of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!
What next for Gino in D’campo. Well, fomer winners have goen to carry on as before (Tony Blackburn), advertise insurn (Phil Tuffnell), selling frozen squirrels (Kerry Katona), presenting an eartl evening TV gaemshow (Joe Pasquale), laughing at Golliwogs (Carol Thatcher) and not fiogn all that much (Matt Willis).
What price Gino Ginelli ice cream makes a comeback? Owowowowow Gino…
Posted: 5th, December 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment
