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Derek Acorah will ‘read’ your phone for ghosts

Medium and psychic Derek Acorah examines hieroglyphics on a stone tableau at the Petrie Museum of Egyptian Archaeology in central London.

IN a move that in no way shows you that those who ‘talk’ to the dead are charging for something that’s a complete crock, Derek Acorah has using his ‘skills’ to read people just by looking at their phones.

Seriously.

The medium – known for Living TV’s Most Haunted and his impossibly bright teeth – teamed up with TalkTalk to spend the day asking members of the public to lend them their handsets.

Acorah surprised/frightened shoppers as he appeared to reveal personal details about their lives.

“I know you like music,” he told one woman, before she revealed that she’s an opera singer. Not that ‘you like music’ applies to anyone who have functioning ears.

Have a look at Acorah in action before asking yourself if you could sleep at night carrying on like that.

Posted: 5th, September 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Is this the worst wedding proposal ever?

PROPOSING is a tricky business.

And so, to a man who decides to go into a shopping centre (glamorous!) with his girlfriend, before grabbing the mic like he’s Ghostface Killah, hooting sweet nothings at her as onlookers gawp and, presumably, a pal films.

So far, so typical.

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Posted: 2nd, September 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment


No-one wants to buy Gandhi’s blood for pacifist clone army

India Mahatma Gandhi

HE may not have spilled any blood in his lifetime, but famous pacifist Mahatma Gandhi had his blood on sale this week at a rather peculiar auction.

With his blood, you could create a charming, pacifist army, but alas, no-one wanted to buy his body fluid for the £10,000 reserve price.

Gandhi’s blood had been available after being placed on two glass microscope slides, like Dexter collects.

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Posted: 22nd, May 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment


Laura Fernee phd claims she is too pretty to work

laura-fernee

AS everyone knows, it is hard finding a job at the moment. One lady is finding it particularly difficult because she’s just so good looking, in her own words.

Laura Fernee graduated with a PhD and worked in a laboratory for three years before quitting in 2011 and hasn’t had a job since. She says: “I’m not lazy, and I’m no bimbo. The truth is, my good looks have caused massive problems for me when it comes to employment, so I’ve made the decision that employment just isn’t for me at the moment.”

“It’s not my fault… I can’t help the way I look.”

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Posted: 22nd, May 2013 | In: Reviews | Comments (5)


Fancy eating a baby’s head for £35?

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HOW much do you like babies? Could you eat a whole one? Well, if you fancy, you can buy an edible white chocolate baby head, which is terrifyingly realistic, created by Annabel de Vetten, who has been inundated with orders since the one kilogram, 5,000 calorie packing infant heads went viral online.

“The global phenomena which are the Conjurer’s Kitchen hand-painted solid white chocolate zombie baby heads are both amazing and disturbing,” said the description on Etsy.

“Delicious to eat, or can be kept and displayed as a sculptural piece.”

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Posted: 26th, February 2013 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Japanese want to put undercrackers on naked statues

ARTISTS are all absolute filth aren’t they? Go into any gallery and chances are, you’ll see some boobs or, worse still, a little naked, flying child.

Children themselves are encouraged to go into galleries, surrounded by sexual images of bored looking women, naked-from-the-waist-down hobo-looking blokes and infant arses, which means that art is going to corrupt them, no question. No wonder we’re all dirty minded buggers.

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Posted: 7th, February 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comments (3)


Count the grammatical errors in Arizona teacher’s letter!

TEACHERS eh? We all know better than those idiots don’t we? We’ve met children and they’re idiots. So teachers have it easy, because they can tell them anything OR they’re to blame for children being a stupid as they are. And they get loads of holidays.

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Posted: 5th, February 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment


Theme park to be built on Bin Laden’s corpse

WHEN Osama Bin Laden died, the whole of America cheered! The bogeyman had been captured, adding a head for the poles that contained Gadaffi and Saddam! Oh, how America love to hunt people in the Middle East down! And so, ill-feeling in the Middle East grows toward America.

What. A. Surprise.

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Posted: 5th, February 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment


Want moobs? Visit Leeds where 59% of men have them

WHEN men get fat, it is perfectly on limits to mock them. Not women. Just men. If you do it to a woman, you’re spiteful and pressuring women to be a certain shape. If a man puts weight on, you can all cheerily singing “who ate all the pies?!” at them and chuckle away while they go home and cry themselves to sleep.

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Posted: 31st, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Man unearths £100,000’s worth of whale puke

VOMIT. You might think it is absolutely worthless, but not everyone does. Specifically, we’re talking about whale puke here and no, it isn’t some kind of Norwegian delicacy, but something more surprising.

Before you start going on the hunt for whale’s vomit, first be aware of what it is. Basically, it looks like a rock and smells like faeces. Still interested? Well, one chap found a great clump of it and it could well be worth in advance of £100,000.

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Posted: 31st, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comments (2)


MPs consider ‘Don’t Come To Britain’ advertising campaign

IMMIGRATION is still a super hot topic amongst politicians and racists. And so, in a big to discourage migrants coming to Britain, some ministers have had a rather barking idea, which involves an advertising campaign which shows how rubbish Britain is.

The campaign will reportedly be tested out in Bulgaria and Romania, and will focus on the worst aspects of British life.

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Posted: 28th, January 2013 | In: Politicians, Reviews | Comment


German army to defeat the enemy with man-boobs

THE German army could be known as ‘simply the breast’ after they found they had a surprise development with their male soldiers – weapons of mass seduction.

Apparently, thanks to a new, hard-going rifle drill, the German army has started growing breasts, which could be just the thing to win battles against confused foes.

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Posted: 24th, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Pigeons to be tinkered with so they defecate soap

THERE’S an experiment afoot in London which will attempt to turn pigeon poo into soap, which is obviously not weird or cruel at all.

In a video explaining the project, it is explained:

“Like other birds pigeons can be fun company but they are also messy,” adding: “The bird will be fed a specially-designed diet. The individuals behind the idea claim they are using synthetic biology to create the bacteria that will modify the metabolism of the birds.”

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Posted: 22nd, January 2013 | In: Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment


Man rants as Subway ‘footlong’ is an inch short

WE’VE all been needlessly pernickerty about things in our time, but one Subway customer really has gone the extra mile.

This chap, called Matt Corby, found himself apoplectic with rage when he visited a Subway for a bite to eat.

[insert ‘it’s his own stupid fault for going to a Subway comment’ here]

The source of his ire was that he strongly suspected that his sandwich was not a foot long, as advertised. So, instead of getting on with his life and scarfing down the slightly moist article, he got his tape measure out.

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Posted: 18th, January 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment


Irish grandpa steals from dead HMV when it refuses his gift voucher

TALK about kicking someone while they’re down! An old man shoplifted from HMV because the €40 gift voucher he had bought was not accepted by the shop on Dublin’s Henry Street. As HMV are in administration and all the staff are fearful of their jobs, and weighing up various sit-in protests over unpaid wages, things are remarkably bleak over there.

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Posted: 18th, January 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment


Behold/Kill the dubstep singing parrot!

WE’VE written extensively about the animal kingdom try to kill humans, and now we’re faced with a beast so irritating that it must be killed. Or praised. Whatever takes your fancy really.

What we have on our hands is a bird (it’s a parrot or something, no-one really cares apart from those wax-jacket having bozos who listened in Biology lessons and cry and WWF pamphlets that fall out of their Chimpanzee Weekly magazines) that can perform dubstep (the worst genre, ever) with it’s horrible little parrot voice.

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Posted: 14th, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Boobs on sale for advertising!

REMEMBER when Homer Simpson sold off bits of his body for advertisements? Everyone bought blue pants and remembered to chow down on Maine potatoes.

Well, one mysterious individual has decided to sell the space on her boobies.

For money, you can put adverts on them. Adverts. On real life human breasts.

Of course, with this being breasts rather than male genitalia (which no-one wants to look at, including gay men and randy women), there’s been rather a lot of interest.

Clients can advertise their products or events on one of her breasts for a bargain £5, with a special offer of just £9 available for both. Seems reasonable.

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Posted: 10th, January 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)


Brazilian cat gets arrested with a saw and phone strapped to it

BRAZIL is, quite frankly, the most brilliantly ludicrous country on Earth. Away from the obviously mental Amazon rainforest, there’s the most corrupt football league on Earth, a fanatical belief in Jesus, appalling crime and poverty and the kind of folklore legends that makes English mythology look like a dank pond.

And to underline this, Brazilian police have arrested a cat.

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Posted: 7th, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Jewel robbers break into KFC by accident

BEING a jewel thief must be an exciting gig. Turtle neck sweaters, Milk Tray on the go and creeping around with all the suave sophistication of a cat with a tail made out of pearls. That, of course, is fiction and real jewel thieves are as thick and stupid as common-or-garden burglars.

And this is proven by two bungling oafs who thought they were going to indulge in some supreme swag taking, but instead, ended up in a KFC.

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Posted: 4th, January 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment


Cows crash a van and are much, much harder than you

THINK you’re hard do you? Chances are, if you’ve been in a carcrash, the first thing you did was to make sure you were alive and then hold your wickle neck in-case you had whiplash. Then you pretended you had whiplash so someone would give you some money.

You big, tough swine you.

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Posted: 19th, December 2012 | In: Reviews | Comment


Sexy cockerel calendar produced for hens

YOU’VE obviously been very worried about the arousal of hens in 2012 because someone has gone to the trouble of producing a calendar for lady chickens, filled with sexually alluring cockerels.

Millions of years of evolution, and this is what humans have become.

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Posted: 10th, December 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Badgers: They ARE trying to kill the human race

BADGERS have clearly never forgiven humans for making them a dancing meme all those years ago, when people used to laugh at any old crap online. With ‘badger badger badger badger badger‘ racing around their minds, they’ve gone all Michael Douglas in Falling Down and want us to die.

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Posted: 6th, December 2012 | In: Reviews | Comment


Shave with bacon flavoured shaving foam

EVER found yourself shaving and wondered how magical your life would be if you could eat your shaving cream? Of course you have. Everyone on Earth has wanted to eat shaving cream.

With that in mind, thank the stars for the land of the free! America, a place of many delightfully crackpot ideas, has a company who has developed a new bacon-flavoured shaving cream. You read that correctly. Shaving foam that tastes like pigs.

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Posted: 30th, November 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment


Man builds ark to escape apocalypse, like you do

MENTAL people think there’s an apocalypse coming because some Mayans forgot to finish making their calendars. And one insane guy in China is currently making an ark to escape the Mayan apocalypse because, obviously, if the world ends and the Four Horsemen come, you’ll be fine if you’re sat inside a conspicuous giant boat filled with hooting animals.

Lu Zhenghai, presumably a normally lovely chap, has spent £100,000 on his ark so far. And it stands at 65 feet and is his completely pointless safeguard against a flood that inevitably won’t happen.

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Posted: 30th, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment


Lindsey Stone: Woman fired for making a joke on Facebook

JOKES are serious business. We live in a world so jumpy that you can make a clearly off-hand remark about blowing an airport up and you end up in a lengthy legal process, with celebrities backing you up and paying for your legal fees. Elsewhere in the world, say anything bad about the people who fought for your right to piss-about, and you’ll get your arse handed to you in a tall hat.

Just ask the woman who has been unceremoniously sacked from her job for the awful hate crime of posting a photograph on Facebook.

Lindsey Stone was photographed giving the finger while stood beside a ‘silence and respect’ sign at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia. The image promptly went viral and thousand of humourless git-machines started kicking off and demanding heads-on-pikes.

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Posted: 28th, November 2012 | In: Reviews | Comments (3)


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