The Consumer Category
We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.
Here is one of the illustrations I did for Nick Offerman’s new book Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man’s Fundamentals for Delicious Living.
So stoked to be sharing this with everyone. Had a lot of fun working with him on it. He’s the best.
ZOD knows there aren’t nearly enough stereotypes about lazy Americans spending too much time in their cars, so it’s a good thing Honda and Sony are sponsoring something called “Project Drive-In” in an attempt to #SaveTheDriveIn, which is not exactly trending on Twitter even though it has been tweeted (in sponsored posts) by such noted celebrities as Will Ferrell.
Midway through the first half Pep Guardiola withdrew a notebook from the breast pocket of his classic, threequarter-length navy jacket… [he]looks like a man who has just walked off the set of a fashion shoot for GQ magazine.
Guardiola, a refugee from a Hugo Boss campaign…
He’s stylish. Or as the Daily Mirror see it:
“With his slate-grey woolly jumper and matching regulation drainpipes, Pep Guardiola looks all the world a bemused teacher on a school outing”
Such are teh facts…
ON August 18, 1983, Smash Hits magazine asked ‘How Trendy Are You?’ Take the quiz:
Azog stood, back to the wall, clad only in damp buckskins, waiting for the beast to slash at her torso until she lay helpless and bleeding on the damp cave floor. She wondered if it would kill her first, or if her limbs would be sliced from her body as the beast gorged on her.
Instead, it reached out with a classed hand to snatch at her damp animal hide as it clung to one shoulder. Azog felt the kiss of sharp claws against her skin as the hide slid from her shoulder and exposed on naked, heaving breast. The raptor paused, curious, sniffing at her as she pressed desperately against the wall.
A reptilian tongue, stiff and hot, dashed out to lick at the tender, naked flesh so suddenly exposed. Azog gasped at the touch, then gradually relaxed as her body warmed to the intoxicating sensation of the beast’s flesh against her own.
She wasn’t sure if her sudden arousal was because of her earlier thwarted climax in the cool stream, or if she was just desperate for one last pleasant sensation before being torn limb from limb by the great, scaly beast. Either way, Azog relished the rasp of its tongue, hot and rough, on her sensitive skin.
MARK Twain has Advice to Little Girls. As told to them in 1865:
Good little girls ought not to make mouths at their teachers for every trifling offense. This retaliation should only be resorted to under peculiarly aggravated circumstances.
If you have nothing but a rag-doll stuffed with sawdust, while one of your more fortunate little playmates has a costly China one, you should treat her with a show of kindness nevertheless. And you ought not to attempt to make a forcible swap with her unless your conscience would justify you in it, and you know you are able to do it.
You ought never to take your little brother’s “chewing-gum” away from him by main force; it is better to rope him in with the promise of the first two dollars and a half you find floating down the river on a grindstone. In the artless simplicity natural to this time of life, he will regard it as a perfectly fair transaction. In all ages of the world this eminently plausible fiction has lured the obtuse infant to financial ruin and disaster.
If at any time you find it necessary to correct your brother, do not correct him with mud—never, on any account, throw mud at him, because it will spoil his clothes. It is better to scald him a little, for then you obtain desirable results. You secure his immediate attention to the lessons you are inculcating, and at the same time your hot water will have a tendency to move impurities from his person, and possibly the skin, in spots.
If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won’t. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then afterward act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your best judgment.
You should ever bear in mind that it is to your kind parents that you are indebted for your food, and for the privilege of staying home from school when you let on that you are sick. Therefore you ought to respect their little prejudices, and humor their little whims, and put up with their little foibles until they get to crowding you too much.
Good little girls always show marked deference for the aged. You ought never to “sass” old people unless they “sass” you first.
SELF-scanning dodge of the day: the man who classed all his shopping as “loose onions” at the self-service checkout in Sainsbury’s.
City recruitment consultant Nicholas Long, 25, classed his food as “loose onions” 20 times in the space of just three months.
His ruse might have worked had a security guard not spotted the scam – and that Sainsbury’s doesn’t sell loose onions.
Prosecutor Denise Murrin tells the court:
“It is a straight forward allegation that he went to Sainsbury’s and was seen scanning various items in at the self-service checkout. All items were being scanned as loose onions, but the store does not sell loose onions. It was an inexpensive way of doing his shopping.”
Odd, indeed, that Sainsbury’s has a code for loose onions but no loose onions.
Angus Mathieson, representing Long, says:
“It was a stupid thing he has done”, he said. “He was not getting a stupid amount, not substituting champagne or anything like that, but just getting an avocado and claiming it was an onion. He had got a good job at the time, but committed an offence as he felt his job was under threat and he was imminently likely to be made redundant. His girlfriend had become pregnant and he was worried about money, because in addition he had debts.”
The man who mistook an onion for an avocado is either the title of a follow up to Oliver Sachs’ book, The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat, or the title of a new TV cooking show in which hapless men get taught in the basics.
Long was sentenced to 180-hours community service, to be completed within a year, and ordered to pay £250 costs.
REMEMBER Bridget Jones and her big knickers, kissing and vague alcoholism? Well, she’s due a new book called ‘Mad About The Boy’ which will look at the now 51 year-old Bridget, only with one notable absence in her life.
SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!
Helen Fielding has announced that she has decided to kill off Mark Darcy, the man played by Colin Firth in the flicks, leaving our Isn’t She Just Like Us? heroine massively widowed.
THe London Underground Tube map in German is what places in London could have been called had the Germans won the war. As one reader notes: “This is the 2003 version and omits extensions to the London Overground such as Kristalpalast and Tugendeichenpark.”
To see it full size please click this link: londonundergroundmapgerman (1)
THE Nutella dispenser is for when the ketchup runs out and Aunt Jeanie from Des Moins is willing to try the brown sauce:
WE Buy Any Car do not buy any car:
LARRY Busby, 38, is looking for a girlfriend who must not be black, short-haired, jobless, fat or a slut. Find this elusive creature and Larry will give you $1,500 to spend on, well, fat black sluts. If Larry marries the chaste, thin, non-black dream boat he will give you can extra $1,000.
Larry issued his call to arms on his Sleepless in Austin website, where he writes under the name Romeo Rose. Says Larry:
“I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry. I will not ever date a black girl”.
HAPPY Arthur’s Day.
Ireland’s love affair with pub and pint is sparking national soul-searching as never before because of an unofficial holiday dreamed up by Guinness owner’s Diageo. Today’s celebrations of Arthur’s Day, honouring the 18th-century founder of Ireland’s quintessential drink, feature surprise musical performances in 815 pubs and clubs across Ireland as well as concerts worldwide from Malaysia to Jamaica.
TWO interesting little bits about Netflix, the online on demand film and TV show service.
The first one is that they monitor what people are stealing over the BitTorrents to see what shows they should try to go and buy the rights for:
Netflix acknowledged this week that the company eyes piracy statistics to determine what kind of video content to offer subscribers and what kind of television programs they should buy.
IN the 1960s, fashion designers looked to the stars for inspiration. The Space Race was well underway. Fashion would harness the spirit of the rocketeers with sleek lines, shiny fabrics and the chance to see the world through visors.
Never get lipstick in your eyes ever again.
You say, cutting-edge fashion. We say, best to check the machine for red socks before washing your Star Wars Storm Troopers armour.
I DON’T know how British people celebrate Halloween—with understated elegance and a solemn appreciation for tradition, no doubt—but future archaeologists will conclude American Halloween was a giant fertility festival, which is why everybody wears the skimpiest costumes they can even though, in most of North America, the last night of October is waaaaay too cold for that.
Discount retailer Walmart is even selling what it calls “naughty” costumes for toddlers this year. In context, “naughty” obviously doesn’t mean “refuses to eat vegetables,” “dropped her bedroom slippers in the fishtank” or other age-appropriate misbehaviours; it’s synonymous with sheer, skimpy and sexually scintillating, which is fine to market to adults and various older teenagers, but … three-year-olds, dude.
THIS Halloween whey not pretend to be a mental patient in an off-the-peg outfit from Asda, the supermarket owner by WalMart? “Mental patient fancy dress” features blood, mask, imitation meat cleaver but not chemical coshes and a sense of foreboding.
Says one Walmart shopper: “What outfit?”