The Consumer Category
We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.
FOOTBALLERS, bless ‘em, haven’t worked out the ideal formula involving brains, fashion and money. Everyone remembers Liverpool’s white FA Cup suits and eyebrows were raised when Davey Beckham wore a sarong… and not as many remember John Barnes’ ‘bird shit jacket’ he wore as a presenter on Channel 5.
However, the worst decisions footballers make tend to involve their hair. And in the Premier League, we’ve been blessed with some players who make mystifying decisions.
Here, we look at some of the ones you may have forgotten.
“I HAVE already complained to the manager about the reduction in organic produce,” says Hampstead resident Jenny Anderson of the absence of organic stuff at her Tesco supermarket. “It used to be quite prominent, but I feel they have steadily been withdrawing the high-end organic and good quality foods over the last few months.
“Also the organic stuff they do sell is being hidden away so it’s really hard to find. It feels like they are hiding it away so no one will buy it, and then they can justify not selling it.”
IS it any good, then?
THE British Kebab and Retail Awards hope to rival the Chicken Cottage Awards.
KADIR Nurman has died in Berlin. Mr Nurman is regarded as the founded of the modern kebab, creating the booze soaker in West Berlin in 1972. Mr Nurman emigrated to Germany from Turkey in 1960, did not patent his invention.
RIP. (Rest in Pita.)
HELL Houses will scare you kids into following the ways of Chris. They can also make you straight.
Brian Kirk told us:
“Part of salvation is being afraid of going to hell,” says the youth pastor at Trinity Church Assemblies of God in Cedar Hill, Texas. As depicted in the excellent documentary Hell House, each Halloween season Trinity Church hosts an alternative to the traditional haunted house. Instead of vampires and werewolves, guests are treated to scenes such as a young girl having an abortion, a gay man suffering from AIDS, a teen dying in an auto accident who failed to give his life to Christ. In each scenario, these presumed sinners are tormented by actors dressed as demons. The implication, none too subtle, is that each deserves both their suffering and their one-way ticket to damnation. The gay man, molested by his uncle as a child, chose to have sex and contract HIV. The teen girl chose to get drugged at a rave, raped, and become pregnant. The boy in the car wreck chose hell because he refused to listen to his parents’ religious teachings. The message of these hell houses is that the same fate awaits us all. But wait! There’s hope. These terror tours usually end with a glimpse of heaven and the opportunity to give one’s life to Jesus.
DIY: Flat-packed hell:
SHED Simove has created the Rampant Rabbi, a plastic phallus that lets a toy Jewish cleric touch your innermost being and turn you on to holy love.
For £99, you can buy the device (tagline: “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!”).
SHE makes terrible coffee. Sure, she has nice hair, pretty ankles and takes her prescription medication without any fuss, but that darn coffee is terrible. There is just no getting away from it.
Shaun Clayton made a study of male reactions to female coffee making in this video below. He took adverts from the 1950s and 1960s and “edited them down to just the moments when the guys were the biggest jerks to their wives about coffee”.
ON April 19, 1912, Gertrude STrine received this letter from Arthur C Fifield, Publisher.
TYNE and Wear Metro have created a new safety video. Called “Don’t be insane, use your brain“, the video comes with a song and cartoon passengers being killed by decapitation and electricity.
Train operator DB Regio wants passengers to stop propping the doors open to let late arrivals onboard. They say it’s ”madness”. Since April, 80 trains have been delayed this way. No-one has died. To correct thing to do is to let the doors close and then wave at the wet, tired and emotional passenger left standing on the platform.
Sharon Kelly, director of operations and customer services at DB Regio Tyne and Wear, says:
“We introduced platform announcements and put posters up on train doors to remind passengers that they shouldn’t obstruct the doors. But it doesn’t seem to have worked, because people are still doing it. It’s madness really. You wouldn’t stick your hand in the door of a bus that was about to leave a bus stop, would you? But that’s just what people are doing on the Metro.”
We hear you, Sharon. The only thing for it is to equip the doors with whirling blades or, better yet, a jihadi in every carriage ready to wield an axe lest the infidels tamper with the doors. Also, we’d like them to pilot a scheme whereby backpackers, anyone eating a kebab or shouting “Come on you lot, cheer up” is shot in the face.
SAMSUNG wants to put its computers on your face. And has just landed a patent for a new device that will do just that.
Google has staked out the space of face computers and though little demonstrable desire has been expressed for the devices – its Google Glass has been the poster child for the technology.
The idea is you walk around with a pair of glasses with a built-in computer that sits on top of one of your ears. The lenses are transparent screens through which you see the world, but also any stuff that Google wants to push on there, weightloss adverts, vouchers, that kind of thing. You know what Google likes to tell you about.
DINERS at Nicholas Nauman’s Eat in Brooklyn, New York, can book to eat on a night when everyone eats in total silence. Should a glass break, no-one will cheer. The bill is presented in total silence. The waitress will not ask “Did you enjoy your meal?” You will not speak to your friends, but communicate by raising eyebrows, grinning, frowning or rolling your eyes at the couple by the door who look like they’re having a silent row.
POKEMON magazine has issued a health and safety warning: