METSA’s Lambi brand toilet tissues are adorned with words from the Gospel of Matthew and First Corinthians. Customers in Norway, Denmark and Sweden could wipe their backsides on legends like Jesus’s words of wisdom:
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
MARC Bradley Johnson, 23, a student at the School of Visual Arts in New York City, turned his masturbation into his art. Johnson’s work, Take This Sperm And Be Free Of Me, was 68 vials of his own jizz in a fridge.
Marc’s sperm was not a last-minute attempt to concoct homework from his linen. It represented “creation, parenting, desire, masculinity, fantasy and reality”. He’d give them away to the enthusiasts.
BAD Ad Watch: Abbott’s Village Bakery thinks it a good idea to portray its “free range” bread as grazing livestock. What the hell is in that loaf of bread? Do you know? Entrails? Horse? Worms?
We see birds sit on it, with their dirty bird feet. It walks in muddy pasture. And then the young bread beast is sliced up, most likely whilst it’s still alive:
WHAT is that substance inside your Icelandic beef pie? The Icelandic Food and Veterinary Authority (MAST) is uncertain, although it has narrowed things down. It can state that the meaty substance is not meat, rather a kind of “vegetable matter”. The label says 30 percent beef. It may care to be augmented with a “maybe”.
GET cleaning ladies: it’s because you’re porky fatties. And rather than this being the usual misogynist tripe this is actually sound science. There is a real reason for muffin tops and gargantuan bingo wings: it’s that no one is cleaning behind the stove properly any more. Really:
Women, they found, once had been quite physically active around the house, spending, in 1965, an average of 25.7 hours a week cleaning, cooking and doing laundry. Those activities, whatever their social freight, required the expenditure of considerable energy. (The authors did not include child care time in their calculations, since the women’s diary entries related to child care were inconsistent and often overlapped those of other activities.) In general at that time, working women devoted somewhat fewer hours to housework, while those not employed outside the home spent more.
Forty-five years later, in 2010, things had changed dramatically. By then, the time-use diaries showed, women were spending an average of 13.3 hours per week on housework.
HOW would you promote beef as delicious food? If you’re Burger Urge, you dress a cow in top hat and monocle, and have a model lick its leathery face. The slogan orders customers to “Get Intimate with our new Premium Beef”. Nothing is sex. Last week we brought news of a woman having sex with a tiger. Another mated with a squid. Dogs are common partners. You can read our report on other things humans have had sex with, our favourite being the fence.
BOOK of the Day: The Life and Loves of Mr Jiveass Nigger, by Cecil Brown:
FANCY a pair of Butterfly Knife Cufflinks? Each pair of wrist blades carries a sharpening tool. This will ensure that your knives are always ready for battle, and that accidentally slitting your wrists will be as painless as possible.
Next week: shooting your cuffs – with miniature AK47s!
(Fact! One famous US politician worried about failing a drink-driving text swapped a pot of flat Budweiser for his urine sample. He passed!)
Some Americans never did realise that Bud tastes like sticky water. They’re suing Anheuser-Busch for £5million. Lawsuits filed in many states, including, Pennsylvania and California and other states, claim the alcohol content was misleading.
Anheuser-Busch InBev says that is “completely false”. They say, ”Our beers are in full compliance with labelling laws.”
HOW much do you like babies? Could you eat a whole one? Well, if you fancy, you can buy an edible white chocolate baby head, which is terrifyingly realistic, created by Annabel de Vetten, who has been inundated with orders since the one kilogram, 5,000 calorie packing infant heads went viral online.
“The global phenomena which are the Conjurer’s Kitchen hand-painted solid white chocolate zombie baby heads are both amazing and disturbing,” said the description on Etsy.
“Delicious to eat, or can be kept and displayed as a sculptural piece.”
HOW do you tie an Eldredge knot in your tie? The knot is the work of Jeffrey Eldrege. The creator of the Eldredge explains:
“Tying a four-in-hand every day got old. So I looked up how to tie other knots when I happened across this video tutorial for the ‘Ediety Knot‘ which introduced me to the concept of tying a knot using the tail end of the tie. I didn’t do anything special to actually develop the knot save play around with a tie until I found something I liked…In real time it took maybe two years to perfect.
IN 1987, the US Postal Service produced a stamp to honour William Faulkner. Before he was a man of letters, Faulkner was delivering letters. Between 1921 to 1924, he worked as the University of Mississippi’s postmaster. He didn’t enjoy it. This is, reportedly, his resignation letter:
As long as I live under the capitalistic system, I expect to have my life influenced by the demands of moneyed people. But I will be damned if I propose to be at the beck and call of every itinerant scoundrel who has two cents to invest in a postage stamp.
This, sir, is my resignation.
(Signed by Faulkner)
NEVER again need you be unprepared at the beach or pool. When the hot weather hits, you can strip off your ComfiSlax ans showcase your CUW JeanPants Underwear *. These snug cotton boxer shorts look like a pair of very tight jean cutoff shorts. You’re the Duke in Daisy.
* Also worked for Aussie Rules!
YEARS before the Sun crested the “News in Briefs” Page 3 feature, US cupcake magazine Pose introduced its readers to the ladies’ speech bubbles.
THE Oscars 2013 – who wore what. Nicole Kidman cam dressed as a Dubai beach oil slick; Jessica Chatain looked Hollywood fabulous; Charlize Theron looked elegant; Adele looked meh; Jennifer Aniston had channeled her personality into her dress (dullsville); Bradley Cooper’s mum wore Ostrich by Bernie Clifton; Naomi Watts’ dress was unfinished; Catherine Zeta Jones wore a face that makes an Oscar look pot-marked; and Anne Hathaway has a tissue tucked in somewhere:
IN May 2012, Patricia Krentril was arrested in New Jersey for taking her 5-year-old daughter to a tanning salon, where she was burnt. Krentil, who looks George Hamilton’s portrayal of Geppetto’s Mr. Hankey, became a star. In May of that year, Patty Baked swore of tanning. Well, she agreed to take the challenge issued by In Touch magazine and abstain from UV rays for 30 days. Sure, she still used Jergens self-tanner and told us “I feel weird and pale”, but she did it. But now she’s back. And the Sun says she heading to the UK – in search of a tan!
(After which she will head to the Himalayas in search of the Abominable Snowman; Loch Ness in search of a Monster; and Mecca in search for a bacon roll.)
Says Patty Baked:
“I was born to tan — and there is nothing like the colour that you get from a sunbed. But in the past year I have been banned from tanning salons. Now I have to spend hours covering myself in tanning lotion to get the colour I want.”
FOR sale on eBay: 1930s/1940s Vintage French Knickers Silk and Lace x x ** The knickers appear to be second hand, at least. What might be more refreshing is the model doing her bit to undermine modern idea of beauty. Seller TanyaWilliams69 is every inch the natural woman. As she says:
My pictures have no sexual intent and are purely for the purpose of showing any potential buyers what the item looks like worn