The Consumer Category
We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.
I got given a selfie stick and found it to be very good at lying around the place as clutter. Far better is Aric Snee and Justin Crowe’s Selfie Arm. This way you can look as if all your friends are not in the photo- or you;re haning out with Thing.
Good news, deadsters. You can carry on shagging after you’ve stopped breathing. Mark Sturkenboom’s “21 grams memory box” has a box for the widow or widower in need of company. It contains: a diffuser for the deceased’s perfume, an iPod dock to play “your” songs, a necklace on which to keep the key and an urn shaped like a dildo ready on contain 21 grammes of the dead lover’s red-hot ashes.
“I sometimes help an elderly lady with her groceries and she has an urn standing near the window with the remains of her husband. She always speaks with so much love about him but the jar he was in didn’t reflect that at all.”
Jordan Henderson has penned a new five-year deal to play for Liverpool. Good news for Liverpool fans. And at £100,0o0-a-week, it’s good news for Henderson, who will just be able to afford a season ticket at top-flight boxing. (Tickets for the Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao’s fight are yours for £100,000 each. It makes £60 to watch your team play Arsenal at the Emirates look like a steal.)
Writing in the Times, Giles Smith wonders if Henderson is going to re-sign for another of his clients: Nivea.
…a deal that has already yielded comedy gold. Indeed, if there was a Bafta for Best Look To Camera By A Footballer In A Narrative-Based Commercial (and now there should be), Henderson would have swept it away for a lifetime.
It is a cracker:
But what does it all mean for men? It’s the decline of man: the steady emasculation of our role models.
Things Found In Food spots a sink plug in a salad.
The diner at Brisbane, Australia’s Hog’s Breath Cafe got an old plug in her salad. You have to wonder what vegetable the chef thinks the plug resembles?
The eatery’s ggeneral manager Ross Worth offers up an explanation:
“Food hygiene is a top priority for the company. The plug came from a sanitised ice food bath that was designated for fresh produce such as lettuce and tomatoes to be washed in. On that day the staff members have pulled fresh produce out of the bath and accidently pulled the plug with it. The business owner has re-trained his staff on the right processes to make sure this doesn’t ever happen again. As for the customer’s complint that kitchen staff thought it was funny I can’t comment if they were laughing – I would guess not.It’s not a laughing matter, and I’d like to think they wouldn’t laugh.”
Conclusion: don’t order the mushrooms.
In 1977, The Woodlands, a suburb of Houston, was the Safest town in America:
The Afflictor notes:
The Woodlands, a master-planned suburb of Houston established in 1974, was the bleeding edge of quantified smart homes, as each unit was wired and connected. The monitoring was still external then, the way pacemakers originally were.
The Woodlands is still there. And you could be there, too. This 2014 video is by The Woodlands Development Company:
That’s NOT Entertainment!
For some time now our happy island nation has, slowly but surely, been invaded by an uninvited and unwelcome breed.
This is nothing to do with immigration, asylum-seekers, refugees, the EU or any of the other supposed threats that exercise the newspapers at election time.
No, this is an insidious invasion that has targeted our TV screens, and in particular the advertisements, ‘trails’ and promotional montages that seem to take up as much time as the programmes they punctuate…
The invaders are instantly recognizable by their distinctive singing style: breathy, slightly flat, sometimes with an ‘emotive’ crack in the voice. Their songs are, variously: drippy, dippy, dull and dreary. They are invariably accompanied by willfully amateurish acoustic guitar. This formula is used to advertise everything from white goods to Barclays’ revolting ‘thank you’ to ‘real football fans’.
Do you like slow tea? Do you like your tea to seep in the manner of sloth sweat (which is very hard stuff to find)? foodiggity has created these sloth tea bags.
“Live slow die whenever,” says the sloth as he’s lowered bum-first into a boiling hot cup of water. For ‘whenever’ read ‘soon’ as the perforations let the steming brew flood in and the flavour flood out…
Hold on your Top Gear hair it’s going to be bumpy ride as we look at Top Gear erotic fan fiction. Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May are away…
This is from a work entitled Clutch:
“At first he thought the taut muscles and slender hips belonged to a girl. But, aroused, he strode closer and recognised the unmistakable frame of his friend Jeremy.”
Anyone with £85,000 to spend can invest in the uniform sported by Nazi leader Hermann Goering. The suit worn by the man who founded the Gestapo is being sold by Parade Antiques, in Plymouth, Devon.
Owner John Cabello tells the Times the outfit is covered in stains and stretch marks.
“He also had a habit of putting his left hand into his pocket. The wear on the left pocket is substantially more than the right.”
Anyone got an idea why that is?
Want to eat your face in chocolate egg form? Bompas & Parr have news:
Just in time for Easter, Bompas & Parr invites you to explore the possibilities of the world’s first anatomical Easter eggs – in the shape of your own face! Eat My Face is a hands-on-face service that will see us create an exact mould of you or your child, mistress or dog’s face for that matter, in chocolate.
By using the latest facial-scanning and 3D-printing technology and employing our expertise honed in jelly mould-making, we are able to create a perfect mould of anyone’s face which can then be used to create an iconic chocolate egg form.
Mums and dads are invited to “turn your child’s potty training milestone into a fun, interactive and successful experience”.
But how can you polish a turd? Why, with Poop ‘n Pull. The Ultimate Potty Training Experience.
Heather & Josh Moffatt want to talk crap with you.
We want to use Kickstarter to help other parents share the incredible success we’ve seen with the Poop ‘n Pull Potty Training Experience.
Irony overload in the Daily Mail, which brings news that an advert by fashion company American Apparel has had “ANOTHER advert banned, this time for ‘too sexy’ photos of underage-looking model in thong bodysuit”.
So, how does it choose to illustrate this apparent horror? Why, by publishing a photo of the American Apparel advert and zooming on the model’s primary sexual characteristics:
To a McDonald’s in Roseburg, Oregon, where coffee is a perfume:
“I really wanted to come up with something that was quick, effective, that appealed to the urban city girl…There are so many mommy blogs out there that talk about using breast milk to basically help with skin conditions.”
The milk is famed at “certified milk banks”.
File under: jug ears.
Happy day for Amalie Bruun and Brian Harding. The pop duo known as Ex Cops are invited to play at the Austin, Texas, SXSW. It would be just great. Think of the exposure. Think of the fans. Don’t think of the money because the invite from McDonald’s wants you to appear for free.
The Ex Cops’ replied via their Facebook page:
‘McDonald’s asked us to play SXSW. This is Brian’s open letter about it.
This week our band was asked to play the McDonald’s Showcase at the annual South by Southwest, also known to music insiders as “SXSW.”
Their selling point was that this was “a great opportunity for additional exposure,” and that “McDonald’s will have their global digital team on site to meet with the bands, help with cross promotion, etc”
I don’t, and doubt that they know what this means either.
Getting past that rhetoric, at the very least a big corporation like McDonald’s can at least pay their talent a little. Right?
“There isn’t a budget for an artist fee (unfortunately)”
As of 2013, McDonalds is valued at 90.3 billion dollars.
I won’t get into the internet semantics of things you’ve probably seen on your Facebook feed; like that thing where it takes a McDonald’s worker 4 months to earn what the CEO makes in an hour, or their GMO love affair, and I will certainly spare you the bounty of photos showing how they treat their animals.
In lieu of being paid like a real artist, or anyone who is employed to do a service, McDonald’s assures us that we will “be featured on screens throughout the event, as well as POSSIBLY mentioned on McDonald’s social media accounts like Facebook (57MM likes!)”
We recently headlined a show at the Brooklyn venue Baby’s Alright. They are by no means a DIY venue, but they are still an independent small business. The owners are people our age who used to book shows at Pianos and busted their asses to open a venue of their own in Brooklyn.
While I haven’t asked Billy or Zach how much they make annually (that would be weird) I’m going to guess they’re not looking at brownstones in Prospect Park at the moment. Yet when we played, we were paid very very fairly, were provided with drink tickets, and each band member fed a full entree from their menu (try the Brussels sprouts)
I will also go ahead and save time for any schill / troll rebuttals; “Are the other showcases paying you? No one is holding a gun to your head!” This is true. It is our choice (pretty much) to fly to Austin, play shows without soundcheck, and get paid nothing to a little. But hear this loud and clear, we LOVE making music, it is what we do, and despite some of its very apparent flaws, SXSW still provides a decent venue to be heard by some people who are really there to hear new music and not just do blow with dudes who wear square toe loafers.
It is a horrifying and gross reality when one sees the true nature of corporations and their pathetic attempts to achieve relevance with millennials. Doritos received a lot of flack for their stage a couple years ago, but i’m going to assume they paid Lady Gaga.
Oh, I almost forgot; “McDonald’s will offer free food to all audience members”
I don’t doubt that tons of bands will kowtow to this lame, lame attempt at a rock show. And I’m aware that to achieve any exposure is a Herculean task in 2015, but the Boethian Wheel is a real thing, and this will continue to exist if we, as artists, keep saying yes in exchange for a taste of success. Even if smells like a shitty Fish filet.’
Can you be a burger artiste? Just wondering because McDonald’s have a few opportunities – all unpaid – for anyone who can pump sauce into intersting shapes…
To mark World Book Day, school children are encouraged to dress up as their favourite book character. Liam Scholes, 11, arrived at Sale High School dressed as Christian Grey, eponymous star of 50 Shades of Grey. He carried a mask and cable ties.
The school duly banned him from participating in themed events and the class photograph.
And that seems harsh given that in the 1930s sad-masochism was the stuff of boys comic books. Indeed 50 Shades of Grey was originally titled 50 Shades of Greyfriars, a work of Billy Bunter fan fiction: