The Consumer Category
We bring you the chic and unique, the best and most bizarre shopping offers both online and offline. We offer you tips on where to buy, and some of the less mainstream and crazy, individual and offbeat items on the internet. Anything that can be bought and sold can be featured here. And we love showcasing the best and worst art and design.
Anyone with £24.98 to spare (What’s that in euros? – ed) can invest in a Nigel Farage ‘politically incorrect’ garden gnome.
This charming inspired piece of garden sculpture features a caricature of Nigel Farage (MEP), leader of the UK Independence Party. He is dressed, rather appropriately, in full John Bull garb, complete with Union Flag waistcoat, UKIP colour scheme, and is holding his trademark pint of mild in one hand, and a fag in the other, just like the real thing.
He stands 6 inches high* (I don’t care for centimeters), and is made from a weather resistant acrylic bond , is hand painted and sealed against the vagaries of the British weather (As one would expect from Nigel himself)
Buy now. Buy often!
Anorak is struck by how closely Farage gnome resembles a young Viscount Linley.
Is ther something we should know?
Browsing Farhad Vladi’s estate agency, we came across Fanny Key.
It’s yours for just under $6m.
Guests are invited to board the 24 ft. pontoon boat to make the short journey from the mainland lot to their new private island idyll. The three berth dock provides ample space for larger vessels and allows for an easy transition to island life. Alternatively, the island’s own helipad lends itself perfectly for a more adventurous arrival, ensuring your stay starts with style.
Home to a splendid residence which offers four bedrooms, two bathrooms and additional guest residence, you’ll soon feel at home on this magnificent coral island. Whether you choose to unwind by the pool or take in the sun from the observation deck above, you will be spoiled by picturesque panoramas wherever you turn. Furthermore, the island is home to running water and a stable 50 amp electrical connection, all for your comfort.
Prince Andrew is not thought to have made an offer… yet.
Meet Eufrat Mai, the woman who was the vagina model for the FleshLight.
She’s available in parts:
Yep. Now you tossers can put a face on your glow stick:
Huge congrats to Carr watches for coming up with the most sexist/tacky advert yet.
Spotter: The subeditor @subedited
How To Get A Husband – a guide for woman in the 1880s:
Read it all at Flashbak…
This advert for Castleford’s Bedworld:
Hipster hotel The Hoxton stands accsued of using the murders of Charlie Hebdo staff to advertise its business:
But who the hell is ‘charile’?
File under: it’s what they would have wanted.
“When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered – this had to mean land! – but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose.” — Elizabeth (Betsy) Dorfman, Bainbridge Island, WA…
The contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels and takes its name from the Victorian novelist George Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who began his Paul Clifford (1830) with “It was a dark and stormy night.“
On Flashbak, Ed Barrett is building a Bike Shed Library.
First book is No. 1: Chopper by Pate Cave (NEL, 1971):
In the days when Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris was bestriding Stamford Bridge, another Chopper Harris was enthralling the juvenile delinquents of Great Britain with a different brand of violence.
This Chopper was the number two in a London-based chapter of the Hell’s Angels. Or should that be ‘NEL’s Angels’? Because, make no mistake, this bears the classic New English Library hallmarks of lurid sensationalism and dubious authenticity.
Are you a lonely princess looking for a lonley pricness to marry? Well, why not try a solo wedding in Kyoto?
You are single and you don’t know if you would be able to get married and have a wedding ceremony in the near future, but you would like to have some pictures of yourself in a wedding gown or in a gorgeous bridal kimono now, when you are young and beautiful..
..or you even believe that you don’t really have to get engaged to be able to wear a bridal outfit..
..or you are already married, but didn’t have a proper ceremony with a beautiful dress and you find this fact to be quite regretful..
..or you did wear a dress, but it was so long time ago that you would like to experience it again, or you were too busy with the wedding preparations to enjoy yourself fully during your special day and you are looking for a second chance..
Offer yourself an opportunity to experience the feeling of being a princess in a beautiful and charming city of Kyoto!
From ¥300,000 per person (one person only) you get the gown, the photos, flowers and a “Japanese man for image partner during the photo shoot… from ¥54,000 (clothing included).” No rpices are offered for lesser or greater men – say, the French or Texans – but Japanese men are ready and willing.
And realise that by 2015 33% of Japanese households will consist of a single person. And brith-rates are so low that estimates say that by 2050 the population could be as low as 97 million – 30 million lower than now.
Christopher Hitchens talks about booze in his book Hitch-22:
I work at home, where there is indeed a bar-room, and can suit myself. But I don’t. At about half past midday, a decent slug of Mr. Walker’s amber restorative, cut with Perrier water (an ideal delivery system) and no ice. At luncheon, perhaps half a bottle of red wine: not always more but never less. Then back to the desk, and ready to repeat the treatment at the evening meal. No “after dinner drinks”—most especially nothing sweet and never, ever any brandy. “Nightcaps” depend on how well the day went, but always the mixture as before. No mixing: no messing around with a gin here and a vodka there.
Alcohol makes other people less tedious, and food less bland, and can help provide what the Greeks called entheos, or the slight buzz of inspiration when reading or writing. The only worthwhile miracle in the New Testament—the transmutation of water into wine during the wedding at Cana—is a tribute to the persistence of Hellenism in an otherwise austere Judaea. The same applies to the Seder at Passover, which is obviously modeled on the Platonic symposium: questions are asked (especially of the young) while wine is circulated. No better form of sodality has ever been devised: at Oxford one was positively expected to take wine during tutorials. The tongue must be untied.
Spotter: Ilia Blinderman
What better way to kickstart 2015 then by investing $1.75 million in the white Ferrari seen often in TV’s Miami Vice?
On eBay, the 1986 Ferrari Testarossa that was used on the classic TV action series.
The blurb runs:
The short story about this car, when the MIAMI VICE show first aired a Daytona Ferrari replica was used, when Mr. Enzo Ferrari watched the show and witnessed the Fake Daytona he was outraged that a replica car was carrying his Ferrari name, automatically a law suit against Universal Studios was started.
A couple of shows later a deal was struck… the agreement was for Universal Studios Hollywood to BLOW UP the original Daytona replica on the actual M.V. show and for two new 1986 TESTAROSSA’S to take over as the Special A.T.F. Vice cars.
Both cars were born Carbon black but the camera equipment 30 years ago wasn’t good enough to keep up with the night scenes and the speed of the cars. So, director Michael Mann decided that both cars were to be painted White and the Iconic Miami Vice Ferrari was Born.
The perfect car to showoff your white linen and silk suit…
Israel has gone. It was never there. Anyone buying a HarperCollins Middle East Atlas in Jordan, Syria, the Gulf states, Saudia Arabia and Lebanon will find no Israel.
Bishop Declan Lang, chairman of the Bishops’ Conference Department of International Affairs, told The Tablet:
“The publication of this atlas will confirm Israel’s belief that there exists a hostility towards their country from parts of the Arab world. It will not help to build up a spirit of trust leading to peaceful co-existence.”
It could also mean that Islamic State goons see the blank space and think it a fine place to settle. They will march on this barren world and be systematically taken out by an invisible Army.
Publish at will…
Happy New Year from the marketing team:
If you anal itching isn’t salved you get your money back. You just need to prove it…
“It’s pretty phallic. It’s a pretty phallic cake decorating piece, not necessary, I don’t think.”
Necessary we do think?
Great gifts: the 1940s nameless boy and girl in celluloid.
Cancel the phallic Hen-night chocs and the trip to the caves at Ajanta. The “Kamasugar” lollipops by Italian artist and photographer Massimo Gammacurta are the Kama Sutra in a lick on a stick. Perfect.
Sending a loved one a shit in a box is a neat idea. You can, of course, send your own poo. ShitExpress might one day become a cottage industry following a change in legislation (it’s illegal to post human turds) triggered by a full vegetarian diet for all and 2Girls One Cup training-and-aiming course. For now there is ShitExpres, the service that anonymously mails crap to your lover / ex-lover / prospective lover / teacher / organic farmer / etc. in exchange for Bitcoin and cash.
ShitExpress founder Peter explains the supply and delivery chain:
“What if someone placed an order? How to proceed? Where to get horse poop in this city? What about suitable, yet affordable packaging? What is the right size and weight? How to wrap it? What else should be added? How to convince customs this is a real gift, valued at $3-5? And what about that weird feeling of bringing a box of horse feces to the post office?”
Peter found lots of product at his local horse stables.
“Thanks to strong support of our customers, we already developed a root base for additional services and new product line to be offered in the near future. Besides the shit, we definitely want to grow horizontally by covering more areas of business.”
Why not vertically. Reach for the gutter and the stars. From budget ant poo to showy elephant dung, there would be something for every price bracket.
Jason Koebler unpacks a delivery:
The most ridiculous football club Christmas presents: the Norwich City Tambourine, Liverpool Coffee Tin and more
Over on Pies: the most ridiculous football club-themed gifts for Christmas.
Also featured in Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide…
#1: Dion Dublin’s New Xmas Album – “Christmas Presents”
#2: Tino Asprilla Own-Brand Condoms
#3: Official Sunderland USB Travel Adaptor
#4: Tottenham Vodka
#5: Official Wolfsburg Tomato Ketchup
#6: Fenerbahce Hairdryer
#7: Newcastle United Toilet Mat
#8: Sporting Lisbon Swimming Cap
#9: Huddersfield Town Tea Bags (Box Of 80)
#10: Werder Bremen Nesting Box
#11: Norwich City Tambourine
#12: Liverpool’s Iconic ‘This Is Coffee’ Coffee Tin
#13: Real Madrid Etch-a-Sketch
#14: Birmingham City Play-Dough Fun Box
#15: FC Dnipro Bucket & Spade
This way for more Christmas gift ideas from yesteryear.
Howard Jacobson nails it. Why only Christians can be Nazis. And why Islamofascism is an amplified myth:
‘Christianity is key here,’ says Jacobson. ‘Muslims have needed the Jew less [historically], although there’s a lot of Muslim anti-Semitism now due to the Middle East. [But] Christianity’s had to leave [Judaism] behind, so it’s had to hate it, it’s had to say, we are not that, we are not that anymore, and then to say we were never that – so that’s a necessary hatred.’
‘And then out of that grew a sense of the possibility that all cultures have to have someone to hate. Not just a scapegoat. It’s more essential than that. Who am I, what am I? I am not that. To the degree you know that, you know who you are.’
How to build a human, Eleanor Lutz:
In Tomboy, Liz Prince looks at growing up, being a girl and what gender means:
“I’ve always thought about gender, as someone who has been categorically ‘gender nonconforming’ for my entire life, I was forced to think about it, but obviously I became more conscious of it as a social issue as I’ve gotten older. And as I’ve met more folks who are genderqueer or trans, it’s been really enlightening to hear their stories, and it got me thinking about my own gender history.
“An unexpected side effect of writing Tomboy is that I have gotten a lot of letters and emails from parents of tomboys, who say that they read the book, and they feel like they understand their children so much better now. I got a really emotional letter from a woman who has a tomboy daughter, who she has in the past tried to force to conform more strictly to a gender norm, and my book made her feel really terrible for doing that, because she understands now that her daughter should be free to express herself the way that is comfortable to her.
“I was really unprepared for receiving feedback like that; letters about how my book has actually changed the way someone approaches their parenting. It’s very validating.”
AsapSCIENCE have produced a video on what happens to your brain on alcohol. This delicious “feelings of release and freedom” allow you to “think very little, but with great clarity.”
And now for the banned substance: marijuana: