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The Sunday Express has a great reader offer: get a FREE bar of sugar and fat to go with your branded Weight Watchers recipe card.
WARNING: More than two twirls is not a dancing aerobic workout. But it might make you a Weight Watchers cusomer.
“Art is there to provoke the reaction and usually for the one negative comment there’s thousands of positive comments as well,” says sculptor Gregor Kregar, whose $200,000 sculpture commissioned by Auckland Council has been erected in Auckland, New Zealand.
“To be honest it’s a little bit upsetting but for me it’s almost more humorous or funny… If you look at the finished sculptures photographed in my workroom there is not a phallic form to be seen.
We love dolls, or action figures (as you macho lads call them). We’ve seen the weirdest celebrity dolls of all time. We’ve seen dead dolls. And we’ve spliced and diced more Barbies then you can shake a nagging finger at.
On Imgur, Uh Jess shows has been makin his own dolls. He’s taken Barbie (always Barbie gets it) and turning them into David Bowie, as seen in the 1986 film Labyrinth.
Ever eat at Noma, “the world’s best restaurant”. Noma’s based at the Oriantal Mandarin hotel in Tokyo, Japan:
We are delighted to announce that Noma at Mandarin Oriental, Tokyo will be extended for two more weeks due to overwhelming demand. The world’s #1 restaurant will now be open from 9 January to 14 February 2015 except for Sundays.
This is a picture of one of the meals:
As you gastronauts pop along to the garden centre for a budget Noma experience, the few will be tucking into their table centrepieces :
Fixed Menu + Wine pairing: (40,200 Yen + 24,700 Yen)
Fixed Menu + Juice pairing: (40,200 Yen + 16,500 Yen)
Fixed Menu: (40,200 Yen, with an option to pay for wine or other beverages à la carte on the day)
Private Dining Room: our private dining room will have a maximum capacity of 10 guests and will also be offered a selection of the above menu options. Smaller parties are welcome to book the private dining room, however please note that there will be a minimum spend of 618,000 Yen.
Please note that all prices are subject to 8% consumption tax, 13% service charge. Prices above do not include the cost of aperitif, water, tea/coffee, or avec.
Avec! 40,200 Yen is around $350. The dishes looks sublime. These are on offer at Noma’s Denmark HQ:
Ingrid Marie and herbs
Reindeer moss and cep mushrooms
Blackcurrant and rose petals
Beef tartare and ants
Smoked and pickled quail egg
Cucumber and scallop fudge
White cabbage and samphire
Caramelized milk and monkfish liver
Sea urchin and duck
Æbleskiver with greens
Burnt onion and walnut oil
Squid and broccoli
Fennel and parsley
Langoustine and nasturtium
Radish and yeast
Pumpkin, kelp and beechnuts
Beetroot and plum
Sloe berries and aromatic herbs
Cured egg yolk, potato and rose oil
Roasted bone marrow
Cabbage and nasturtium flowers
Aronia berries and söl
Potato, plum and plum kernel
Anything stand out? The poor Ingrid Marie (lovely girl)? The moss? The live ants? And they’re on the menu in Tokyo, too:
Noma Tokyo’s tasting menu, which costs 149,500 yen ($1,265) for two people, has a showstopper opening course: jumbo shrimp, so recently killed that they are still twitching, served with about a dozen tiny black ants for seasoning.
The dish is a take on botan ebi, or shrimp sushi, with the ants providing “flavors of the Nagano forest.” Businessweek explains that the dish takes advantage “of the bugs’ natural reserves of formic acid, which can mimic the sourness of citrus.” A reviewer for the Japan Times said that the ants’ “little pinpricks of sharp acidity” are “a perfect accent for the sweet, pink flesh” of the shrimp.
Noma’s chef René Redzepi served ants over over cabbage leaves dressed with crème fraîche at his London eatery.
You might think the smarter set are being had, fed unseasoned cheap protein as a delicacy. But Matt ‘The Talc’, who has foraged at some of the pop-up mobile farm shops by London’s finesest restautants (you man bins? – ed) assures us that ants and moss have never done him any harm. But, then, he used to be the Emperor and before the charity shop gave him a dressing gown could be seen about town dressed in his wonderful suit of pure-spun gold.
Anyone with £24.98 to spare (What’s that in euros? – ed) can invest in a Nigel Farage ‘politically incorrect’ garden gnome.
This charming inspired piece of garden sculpture features a caricature of Nigel Farage (MEP), leader of the UK Independence Party. He is dressed, rather appropriately, in full John Bull garb, complete with Union Flag waistcoat, UKIP colour scheme, and is holding his trademark pint of mild in one hand, and a fag in the other, just like the real thing.
He stands 6 inches high* (I don’t care for centimeters), and is made from a weather resistant acrylic bond , is hand painted and sealed against the vagaries of the British weather (As one would expect from Nigel himself)
Buy now. Buy often!
Anorak is struck by how closely Farage gnome resembles a young Viscount Linley.
Is ther something we should know?
Browsing Farhad Vladi’s estate agency, we came across Fanny Key.
It’s yours for just under $6m.
Guests are invited to board the 24 ft. pontoon boat to make the short journey from the mainland lot to their new private island idyll. The three berth dock provides ample space for larger vessels and allows for an easy transition to island life. Alternatively, the island’s own helipad lends itself perfectly for a more adventurous arrival, ensuring your stay starts with style.
Home to a splendid residence which offers four bedrooms, two bathrooms and additional guest residence, you’ll soon feel at home on this magnificent coral island. Whether you choose to unwind by the pool or take in the sun from the observation deck above, you will be spoiled by picturesque panoramas wherever you turn. Furthermore, the island is home to running water and a stable 50 amp electrical connection, all for your comfort.
Prince Andrew is not thought to have made an offer… yet.
Meet Eufrat Mai, the woman who was the vagina model for the FleshLight.
She’s available in parts:
Yep. Now you tossers can put a face on your glow stick:
Huge congrats to Carr watches for coming up with the most sexist/tacky advert yet.
Spotter: The subeditor @subedited
How To Get A Husband – a guide for woman in the 1880s:
Read it all at Flashbak…
This advert for Castleford’s Bedworld:
Hipster hotel The Hoxton stands accsued of using the murders of Charlie Hebdo staff to advertise its business:
But who the hell is ‘charile’?
File under: it’s what they would have wanted.
“When the dead moose floated into view the famished crew cheered – this had to mean land! – but Captain Walgrove, flinty-eyed and clear headed thanks to the starvation cleanse in progress, gave fateful orders to remain on the original course and await the appearance of a second and confirming moose.” — Elizabeth (Betsy) Dorfman, Bainbridge Island, WA…
The contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels and takes its name from the Victorian novelist George Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who began his Paul Clifford (1830) with “It was a dark and stormy night.“
On Flashbak, Ed Barrett is building a Bike Shed Library.
First book is No. 1: Chopper by Pate Cave (NEL, 1971):
In the days when Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris was bestriding Stamford Bridge, another Chopper Harris was enthralling the juvenile delinquents of Great Britain with a different brand of violence.
This Chopper was the number two in a London-based chapter of the Hell’s Angels. Or should that be ‘NEL’s Angels’? Because, make no mistake, this bears the classic New English Library hallmarks of lurid sensationalism and dubious authenticity.
Are you a lonely princess looking for a lonley pricness to marry? Well, why not try a solo wedding in Kyoto?
You are single and you don’t know if you would be able to get married and have a wedding ceremony in the near future, but you would like to have some pictures of yourself in a wedding gown or in a gorgeous bridal kimono now, when you are young and beautiful..
..or you even believe that you don’t really have to get engaged to be able to wear a bridal outfit..
..or you are already married, but didn’t have a proper ceremony with a beautiful dress and you find this fact to be quite regretful..
..or you did wear a dress, but it was so long time ago that you would like to experience it again, or you were too busy with the wedding preparations to enjoy yourself fully during your special day and you are looking for a second chance..
Offer yourself an opportunity to experience the feeling of being a princess in a beautiful and charming city of Kyoto!
From ¥300,000 per person (one person only) you get the gown, the photos, flowers and a “Japanese man for image partner during the photo shoot… from ¥54,000 (clothing included).” No rpices are offered for lesser or greater men – say, the French or Texans – but Japanese men are ready and willing.
And realise that by 2015 33% of Japanese households will consist of a single person. And brith-rates are so low that estimates say that by 2050 the population could be as low as 97 million – 30 million lower than now.
Christopher Hitchens talks about booze in his book Hitch-22:
I work at home, where there is indeed a bar-room, and can suit myself. But I don’t. At about half past midday, a decent slug of Mr. Walker’s amber restorative, cut with Perrier water (an ideal delivery system) and no ice. At luncheon, perhaps half a bottle of red wine: not always more but never less. Then back to the desk, and ready to repeat the treatment at the evening meal. No “after dinner drinks”—most especially nothing sweet and never, ever any brandy. “Nightcaps” depend on how well the day went, but always the mixture as before. No mixing: no messing around with a gin here and a vodka there.
Alcohol makes other people less tedious, and food less bland, and can help provide what the Greeks called entheos, or the slight buzz of inspiration when reading or writing. The only worthwhile miracle in the New Testament—the transmutation of water into wine during the wedding at Cana—is a tribute to the persistence of Hellenism in an otherwise austere Judaea. The same applies to the Seder at Passover, which is obviously modeled on the Platonic symposium: questions are asked (especially of the young) while wine is circulated. No better form of sodality has ever been devised: at Oxford one was positively expected to take wine during tutorials. The tongue must be untied.
Spotter: Ilia Blinderman
What better way to kickstart 2015 then by investing $1.75 million in the white Ferrari seen often in TV’s Miami Vice?
On eBay, the 1986 Ferrari Testarossa that was used on the classic TV action series.
The blurb runs:
The short story about this car, when the MIAMI VICE show first aired a Daytona Ferrari replica was used, when Mr. Enzo Ferrari watched the show and witnessed the Fake Daytona he was outraged that a replica car was carrying his Ferrari name, automatically a law suit against Universal Studios was started.
A couple of shows later a deal was struck… the agreement was for Universal Studios Hollywood to BLOW UP the original Daytona replica on the actual M.V. show and for two new 1986 TESTAROSSA’S to take over as the Special A.T.F. Vice cars.
Both cars were born Carbon black but the camera equipment 30 years ago wasn’t good enough to keep up with the night scenes and the speed of the cars. So, director Michael Mann decided that both cars were to be painted White and the Iconic Miami Vice Ferrari was Born.
The perfect car to showoff your white linen and silk suit…
Israel has gone. It was never there. Anyone buying a HarperCollins Middle East Atlas in Jordan, Syria, the Gulf states, Saudia Arabia and Lebanon will find no Israel.
Bishop Declan Lang, chairman of the Bishops’ Conference Department of International Affairs, told The Tablet:
“The publication of this atlas will confirm Israel’s belief that there exists a hostility towards their country from parts of the Arab world. It will not help to build up a spirit of trust leading to peaceful co-existence.”
It could also mean that Islamic State goons see the blank space and think it a fine place to settle. They will march on this barren world and be systematically taken out by an invisible Army.
Publish at will…
Happy New Year from the marketing team:
If you anal itching isn’t salved you get your money back. You just need to prove it…
“It’s pretty phallic. It’s a pretty phallic cake decorating piece, not necessary, I don’t think.”
Necessary we do think?
Great gifts: the 1940s nameless boy and girl in celluloid.
Cancel the phallic Hen-night chocs and the trip to the caves at Ajanta. The “Kamasugar” lollipops by Italian artist and photographer Massimo Gammacurta are the Kama Sutra in a lick on a stick. Perfect.
Sending a loved one a shit in a box is a neat idea. You can, of course, send your own poo. ShitExpress might one day become a cottage industry following a change in legislation (it’s illegal to post human turds) triggered by a full vegetarian diet for all and 2Girls One Cup training-and-aiming course. For now there is ShitExpres, the service that anonymously mails crap to your lover / ex-lover / prospective lover / teacher / organic farmer / etc. in exchange for Bitcoin and cash.
ShitExpress founder Peter explains the supply and delivery chain:
“What if someone placed an order? How to proceed? Where to get horse poop in this city? What about suitable, yet affordable packaging? What is the right size and weight? How to wrap it? What else should be added? How to convince customs this is a real gift, valued at $3-5? And what about that weird feeling of bringing a box of horse feces to the post office?”
Peter found lots of product at his local horse stables.
“Thanks to strong support of our customers, we already developed a root base for additional services and new product line to be offered in the near future. Besides the shit, we definitely want to grow horizontally by covering more areas of business.”
Why not vertically. Reach for the gutter and the stars. From budget ant poo to showy elephant dung, there would be something for every price bracket.
Jason Koebler unpacks a delivery: