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Breaking Media, Politicians & Celebrities Since 1995Tabloid news for broadsheet readers |
Reality TV celebrities never die - they just relocate to Love Island, Pop
Idol and the X-Factor with Simon Cowell. Big Brother 8, Celebrity Big
Brother, Big Brother 2007 - all manner of Big Brother makes a new celebrity
on Channel 4.
NODDING Heads: Just one more thing, Paul Merson
“They’re bottom of the league for one reason alone. Berbatov goes, Keane goes, Defoe goes” – Paul Merson on the Spurs season so far, Sky Sports
More sporting insight to follow…
HERE’S Austin Drage, X Factor finalist, doing his cover version of Bucks Fizz’s Makin’ Your Mind Up.
And if we wanna see some more… “No!” comes the cry. Get him off. But it’s too late. Alex whips off his Comfi-Slax to reveal a perfect ‘V’ that would shame the Red Arrows.
“I looked quite good as a woman,” says Austin, who is pictured rubbing his hairless chin.
This is “X FACTOR STAR SEX CHANGE SECRET”. It’s front-page news.
SIR Ian Blair is gone, and the Celebrity Police Force is looking for a new leader to be tough on celebrity crime. (Surely have his picture taken with some of the country’s best lag talent? – Ed).
And while the search goes on, the Star brings news that Big Brother reject Rex Nomark has, allegedly, smashed someone in the face with his belt.
In other times the alleged victim, known only as John, would be invited to give a statement to police, and the CPF would haul Rex in to the station for photos and autographs.
SIR Ian Blair is gone, and the Celebrity Police Force is looking for a new leader to be tough on celebrity crime. (Surely have his picture taken with some of the country’s best lag talent? – Ed).
And while the search goes on, the Star brings news that Big Brother reject Rex Nomark has, allegedly, smashed someone in the face with his belt.
In other times the alleged victim, known only as John, would be invited to give a statement to police, and the CPF would haul Rex in to the station for photos and autographs.
TO the set of the BBC’s bloated Strictly Come Dancing, then. And news that dance judge Craig Revel Horwood is an illegal immigrant.
We have never seen beneath the desk at which Revel Horwood sits, but allegations are that it houses a Colombian cleaning lady, a family of Ukrainian shoe polishers and three Bangladeshi waiters.
Born in Australia, Revel Horwood is alleged to have married a British woman called Jane in 1990, who he left 12 months later to set up home with one Lloyd Rooney.
The allegation is that Revel Horwood is not a camp dance judge with drip-dry hair, but a hot-blooded heterosexual male who has bedded women.
WHAT better way to salute the British armed forces than by instructing 12 wannabe singers and budding celebs to sing a warbling version of Mariah Carey’s Hero?
Answer: none.
The Sun features the X Factor’s first ever song for charity, and hears Simon Cowell say that:
“It’s too good an opportunity to pass up.”
Indeed, even in war there is opportunity for spivs, arms manufacturers and entertainers to get rich and famous. For Vera Lynn, read four-piece girl group Bad Lashes.
“BIG BROTHER stars in bloodbath,” screams the Daily Star. “AMAZING STREET BATTLE.”
And so the cull is upon us. OMA Law Of Perpetual Celebrity states:
“For every one new celebrity created an existing celebrity should be thrown onto the EU Celebrity Mountain; there should be no more than 62 front-line celebrities at any one moment; one must be called Noel Edmonds.”
If you want to find what happened to H from Steps, Caprice and Faria Alam go to Silo 13245b on the complex that borders Brussels Airport. Wear boots, overalls and no branded merchandise.
“BIG BROTHER stars in bloodbath,” screams the Daily Star. “AMAZING STREET BATTLE.”
And so the cull is upon us. OMA Law Of Perpetual Celebrity states:
“For every one new celebrity created an existing celebrity should be thrown onto the EU Celebrity Mountain; there should be no more than 62 front-line celebrities at any one moment; one must be called Noel Edmonds.”
If you want to find what happened to H from Steps, Caprice and Faria Alam go to Silo 13245b on the complex that borders Brussels Airport. Wear boots, overalls and no branded merchandise.
“THIS is the Wartime Broadcasting Service. This country has been attacked with nuclear weapons.
“Communications have been severely disrupted, and the number of casualties and the extent of the damage are not yet known.”
In the 1970s, the BBC and the Government made ready for nuclear war:
ANORAK has found it hard to admire Muslim fundamentalists. But this might be about to changes the Star thunders:
“MUSLIM THREAT TO BLOW UP EASTENDERS”
Might the front-page screamer read:
“MUSLIM LICENSE FEE PAYERS THREATEN TO BLOW UP EASTENDERS”?
It’s Ian Beale, right. His plans for Square domination are the hallmarks of the Jew. First the café, then the fish ‘n’ chops shop, and when he has the world food supplies in his thrall, he comes for the little children…
SPORTING Quote of the Day: Tony Jacklin on golf…
“Tom Wesikopf pined a note to my locker door with just these four letters – TEMPO” - Golfer Tony Jacklin on Sky Sports
B-A-L-L-S…
KNIFE crime is not the preserve of the city or market town kebab shop.
It is everywhere. It is rife. To a barn in Yorkshire we journey where the everyday story of country folk features a young farmer impaled on a blade.
Harrowing scenes as Andy Sugden, of Emmerdale, is impaled on an iron harrow. His wife leaves him to die.
“How times have changed,” says Jane Moore in the Sun, recalling the days of home-cooked farm fayre, when a young famer would kill himself with a shotgun and the kids sold Es from the rave barn.
“I WAS thinking,” Russell Crowe tells US TV host Jay Leno:
The New Zealand-born actor announced, during a US TV talkshow appearance, a plan to cure America’s financial crisis … Crowe believes the US Government should give each American $US1 million.
His reasoning was that the US has a population of about 300 million, and a $US300 million outlay was a fraction of the $US700 billion financial bailout package rejected by politicians in Washington DC yesterday.
He should have thought a little harder though—a $US1 million handout to 300 million people would cost $300 trillion.
Genius…
IS Inigo Gilmore, of Channel 4 news, a spoof creation, a parody, the work of a satirist?
In a report from New York, Gilmore attempted to show how life in the Big Apple was changed by spotting man selling discount suits, people not wanting to be filmed not talk to him, and Wall Street workers on their way to work with a sense of “urgency”:
Of course, as Gilmore on the scene will attest, Wall Street workers are famous for the Yankee Doodle Dawdle, the slow walk to the office that epitomises the laid-back Big Apple Over Easy Way.
Inigo Gilmore – a does of laughter in trying times…
POLITICAL insident of the day: Andrew Neil looks forward to look back…
“Shouldn’t you have had better hindsight” – BBC’s Andrew Neil to Tory MP Alan Duncan
With the economy shafted, the BBC in total control of the media and politics a game for failures and company men aren’t we due a revolution..?
YESTERDAY the TV watchdogs announced they are to allow ITV to slash it’s news coverage in the regions (as Anorak told you it would three days ago).
ITV was once a collection of independent TV stations round and about Britain..but financially and inextricably linked more and more. They are hard pressed as TV ad men diversify and put less money into a rapidly burgeoning airwaves pot. Cutting the expensive local news teams is the accountancy solution.
It should be a matter of deep concern this is being allowed. The coverage so far has been that of stricken viewers bemoaning the lack of local and regional news which this is likely to cause. There should be huge alarm at the real end result.
“And over on ITV, Corrie turns more tawdry than ever,” says the Daily Mail, a fact illustrated by picture of Corrie’s 18-year-old slapper Rosie Webster in her bustier.
It is not the first time Coronation Street has gone for a shock effect using the Rosie Webster character. She was just 17 when scriptwriters cast her last year as a Lolita-style seductress having a sordid affair with her tutor.
How old was he, then? Just for, er, interest’s sake?
Mail readers clack their marmalade-coated tongues and fire off a foamy email:
ANORAK calculates that there are still five more permutations for Big Brother housemates to work: Sara has yet to shag Jen, who has yet to shag Mo, who has yet to shag Steph, who has yet to shag Mario who has yet to be admitted to The Priory.
Today the Star reports that Sara has been involved in “girlie romps” with Jen.
ANORAK calculates that there are still five more permutations for Big Brother housemates to work: Sara has yet to shag Jen, who has yet to shag Mo, who has yet to shag Steph, who has yet to shag Mario who has yet to be admitted to The Priory.
Today the Star reports that Sara has been involved in “girlie romps” with Jen.
ANY would be Big Brother contestants can peer into the Daily Star’s crystal ball and plot their post-show careers.
In “BIG BROTHER BITES BACK” the paper lists the staging posts of Big Brother housemates emeritus:
Death threats
Unemployment
Sex scandals
Depression
One point of order, though: if you are going to become depressed, try to ensure it’s bi-polar, or whatever form of mental illness is in vogue…
ANY would be Big Brother contestants can peer into the Daily Star’s crystal ball and plot their post-show careers.
In “BIG BROTHER BITES BACK” the paper lists the staging posts of Big Brother housemates emeritus:
Death threats
Unemployment
Sex scandals
Depression
One point of order, though: if you are going to become depressed, try to ensure it’s bi-polar, or whatever form of mental illness is in vogue…
EXHIBITIONIST David Blaine is hanging upside down over a section of New York’s Central Park.
Anyone walking below Blaine should take an umbrella lest his catheter break, and, for similar reasons, a bucket and towel.
His hanging is a lead story on the BBC’s Breakfast show, on which presenters are invited to walk the fine line between snooty and trashy. Watching is not enough unlike tuning into a dinner conversation at a provincial golf club.
Sian Williams - who for deaf viewers and anyone who might want to draw their one conclusions attempts to read the news with her eyes alone (wide for a happy story; narrow for sad; squinting for disapproval) - wonders why anyone in their right mind should want to see Blaine hanging upside down.