Anorak TV Category
Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.
EVER wonder what the Daily Mail sounds like? Anorak always thought it was the clack of marmalade-coated tongue hitting the roof of the Arkela’s mouth. What does spite and fear sound like? Surrey? It turns out it also sounds like Dan and Dan:
ON Russia’s version of QVC – QVCCCP – the wonderful Blade Sharpener Demonstration Fail is the go. Look on in wonder as with theses scissor sharpeners not only do you get a handy gadget but you ALSO get a man to switch the old crappy scissors for a new pair of blades that actually work.
THE week’s news round-up is brought to you by Finnish morning news anchor Kirsi Alm-Siira.
Vid Spotter: The Daily Wh.at
TODAY’S polar bear news is hijacked by Meow Meow the angry panda. Once pandas where the big bears on the news agenda. Then the polar bears started sitting on ice and melting it to make them look small and hopeless.
The media lapped it up and the pandas were shafted. One a brighter note, with less gawping, the pandas have been shagging like Jesse James at a Tiger Woods pro-priest invitational and there are now millions perhaps billions of them.
The woman reacts badly.
The small news story becomes a bigger news story.
The lesson is that if you want to get on in TV, work with children, animals and woman getting stopped by traffic police.
The story ends with the driver getting a ticket for speeding and a fine for assault. The reporter gets her scoop…
TIME for a follow up to that lorry driver training video in which a driver for Arclid Transport HGV finds a new way to increase a Renault Clio’s fuel efficiency without loss of power nor speed.
Rona Williams, who was behind the wheel of the Clio as it journeyed sideways along the A1(M) near Wetherby, West Yorkshire, says she thought she was going to die.
She pulled the handbrake and flashed her lights. And after around a minute the driver slows.
She lived. And another use for a nippy French hatchback was found…
The Kennel Club guidelines state that a Bulldog should “convey an impression of determination, strength and activity”.
How it does this is open to interpretation.
Some owners stick a plastic union flag in it collar or play the opening bars to the national anthem – others tickle its balls.
The dog responds buy looking chipper, noble and stirred…
PILIPINAS Got talent. The local versions of Ant ‘n’ Dec are in palce. The judges are seated. And then it gets weird….
Sing along – “I’m such an ***hole. Brrrrrr-uipp!” G Force is back…
Or is this just a new way of delivering cars?
As the website for Arclid Transport boats:
Our service is our strength. We have developed an unsurpassed reputation for delivery where you want it, when you want it – swiftly and safely….
We don’t yet know what led to this scene, and if anyone from Arclid wants to get in touch, we’d be happy to put their side of the story.
As it says on the site:
We understand the importance of our deliveries to your company, and therefore ensure a personal and efficient service is always provided.
This video is for all of you who have had to endure the readings of a man who likes to say things out loud to quell the voices in his head. Next week, the same group and try it with a Koran…
It’s just a book, right… Right?
Spotter: Cynical C
EUROVISION looms and sad news that you will nto be seeing Buranovskiye Babushki sinigng Kak zhit – “How To Live“. The ladies only scored third place, losing out to Russia’s very own Borat Mr Peter Nalich and his song Lost and Forgotten. B
Buranovskiye Babushka should have won. Forget Britain’s Susan Boyle. Russia sees her and trumps us with six Susan Boyles.
You want Hairy Angels? You can’t handle the Hairy Angels. From the national Republic of Udmurtia, we give you Buranovskiye Babushki & The Boyles In The Bags:
(Which one’s Cheryl Cole?)
HOW many people can you get in to a small hatchback car? The golden rule is that no-one gets left behind.
It works for the military and it works for East European labourers.
We counted them all in. And we counted them all out.
PAUL Daniels is turning into Alan Patridge. He used to be on the telly. Your writer once saw him on stage. He performed a trick where members of the studio audience arrived on stage and sat on chairs. A touch from Paul’s hand and each was rendered unable to stand. Magnets? Magic? Maybe. Most likely it was Paul whispering: “When I tap you on the shoulder do not stand up.”
No word yet from Kisscape, but as soon as the experts have spoken to us, we will speak with you.
In the meantime the advice is to shut your windows, lock your doors and rip the heads off your teddies.
Do this before we’re all stuffed…
YOUTUBE has shut down for the night. We now hand over to Pages From Google. This is how it will be. This is how it used to be:
If you like that, you’ll love this:
MICHAEL Jackson is not dead. Michael Jackson lives. Jackson live on in butter, sex aides, and sellotape. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Tape-o-Jacko:
Those Michael Jackson Tributes In Full:
LAYDEES and gents, presenting Scouser the amazing cat who will now use a trampoline to jump onto the shed’s roof. Prepare to be amazed! Ready. Bounce!
PRESENTING Swing News – it’s news for swingers. You cats can swing. The problem is that it’s the same notes jumbled up every night. It’s just like the real news. Go, bay-bee, gooooo… So, Steve, what’s up with those icebergs..?
PORN is all around us. In honour that ratings winner, Australia’s Today show hosts use a Wii game to enliven the morning by playing a game of equal opportunities masturbation. Amber Higlett and Cameron Williams are curling for news.
Did that look funny?” asks Higlett. No, it just looked like the news media at work…
THOSE Krazy Koreans present students dancing during class while the teacher isn’t looking. If anyone else can recalls leaving Mr Tait’s French class one by one by the fenetre as turns his back and then releasing a firework back inside..? Yep, it’s me. Happy days. Send ‘em to the English Mentors – make them like Sarah Ferguson:
TAMIL Nadu vocal chanting superstar Wilbur Sargunaraj does not want arranged marriage. He prefers an unarranged marriage. Cancel the PRs and the OK! photoshoot. Cheryl Cole – this is the way to marry. Take here away Wilbur. And give us a go with your shriekingly masculine pendant moustache when you’re done with it…
Australia’s Advertising Standards Bureau upheld all of 40 plus complaints about the ad as ‘objectifying’ women.
Crazy Domains the international domain registering firm blames feminist bloggers for stirring and will appeal the ban.
Banned? Ripper! No worries mate. Pamela’s ad is a reprise of the Go Daddy.com Candice Michelle versions. A couple of the Candice Superbowl series ads were also blocked.
HOW stupid are you? On a scale of 1 to 10? 13? Ok, you’re in the running. But to be truly stupid you need to take risks that are unnecessary. You need to ride a motorbike on a track high above a mountain pass. And film it:
AS young ladies check the back of your necks for Ashley Cole’ signature, enjoy this Anorak TV video of a woman who can administer punishment to any wayward footballer (alleged). She’s ready for you now…Ashley Cole’s Women (Alleged)
ANORAK TV brings you the exclusive news that Ashley Cole and John Terry have inspired a new range of unofficial Team England World Cup wear. Tired to nylon shorts and too-tight replica tops and tricky socks, the fan can now move about South Africa suited and booted in the knowledg that they are the Englishman abroad.
Ready… Steady… And they’re off!