TV & Radio | Anorak - Part 97

TV & Radio Category

Television and radio programme reviews, trailers, highlights, twilights and cinema news. Also the neglected gems from years past.

Charlotte Mears Gets Her Extension

jermaine-defoe-meares.jpgLAST week Anorak’s Media Centre (Brent X) tuned into Channel 4’s A MILLION POUND PLACE, in which “England international Jermain Defoe and his fiancée, model Charlotte Meares” go holiday home hunting.

In truth, Jermain stayed at home, leaving Charlotte and her mum to check out the spare bedrooms.
When Jermain did feature it was to talk over the phone to Charlotte, who called him “babes”, put on a silly girly voice when money was mentioned (“It’s 1.8, Babes”) and addressed the phone in TV manner – holding the handset in front of your face and looking at it.

Sadly, things were not meant to be. The show was punctuated by the sad news that Jermain and Charlotte had split up. That phone call was omitted.
But now Mears, as the Sun bills her, plans to win back her footballer, who is now dating Danielle Lloyd.

At some point, the Anorak will plot footballers’ careers since they dated Ms Lloyd: Sheringham, Teddy is now turns out for Colchester United; Marcus Bent is on loan at Wigan; and Defoe is as popular at Spurs as last season’s lasagne.

But Mears has a plan. As the headline trills:” I’ll get boobs like Dani to win back Jermain.”

It is genius. Forget the house, Jermain can stay at home and make do with an extension…

Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

People In Order: For Whom The Drum Tolls

“PEOPLE in Order” – a film that shows 100 peopl aged from one to 100 striking a drum:

Posted: 12th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

The Noel Edmonds Deal Or No Deal Nightmare

DEAL Or No Deal – I watch because I hate it.

Noel Edmonds calls the sweaty studio the “Dream Factory”. He just said it.

A dream where you are shut in a windowless room with Noel and a bunch of people opening boxes, guessing, Noel talking about “game plans”, Noel’s banker (conversations with Noel’s God)  and hugging is not a dream. It is a nightmare!

Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Who’s Not Watching Big Brother

“CELEBRITY Big Brother has been “AXED”, announces the Star’s front-page news, the paper choosing to lead with a story about a show no-one knows is on.

“Plug pulled on ratings flop.”

Look out for tomorrow’s news “EXCLUSIVE”: “SAVE Big Brother”; “Big Brother Who Cares?”; and “Big Brother In Sex Roasting Shame!”

Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Five Most Unfortunately Named Products: Ayds

THE Top 5 Most Unfortunately Named Products. At No. 2:


Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Sexy Darts On The BBC

THE world darts championships is on the BBC TV. Says BBC sports presenter Ray Stubbs: “It’s time for the very famous mating call from Martin Fitzmaurice.”

Look out for headlines that darts is the new sex. Says Fitzmaurice, with bedroom eyes: “Let’s play darts!”

Posted: 5th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Et Tu, Helmut: Plunging with Celebrities


And now over to Sharon Osbourne for the scores…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: TV & Radio | Comment

Big Brother Talent Spotting

“BIG Brother signs up Jade again,” says the Sun.

But – wait a mo – this Jade is not Jade Hoody but Jade Eden.

She is one of the housemates who have, as the Mirror notes, “excelled in the world of sport, arts, music and politics”.

Two of the contestants list their talent as “circus act”. One, Liam, has a talent for “business”. Jade’s talent is that she is a “beauty queen”.

Where is the real talent, you cry?

Where is the callow youth who can find a public toilet?
Where is the young woman who can play tennis and date Cliff Richard?
Where is the musician who can play the spoons – both sorts?
Where is the writer of the UK’s first Pet soap opera?
Where is the UK’s new Dame Vera Lynn?

Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Big Brother Celebrity Hijack

big-brother-bullies.jpg“CELEB BIG BRO CRISIS.”

The Daily Star’s Tabloid New Generator comes up with a story. News is that the new Big Brother series is in “meltdown”. (See Big Brother in chaos.)

This year’s show is called Celebrity Hijack. It features a dozen agonists, “who each have an exceptional talent”. As do we all.

The talent is cajoled by Big Brothers, celebrities of the caliber of Joan Rivers, Christine Hamilton and John McCririck.

The front-page “fear” is that the celebrities will be more entertaining than the contestants.

But such things are best left unplanned.

Indeed, the Star’s headline generator may care to invert the headline and fret about the celebrities being as unentertaining as the contestants…

Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Catholic Tony Blair’s Private Life, A Mass Of News

gordon-blair.pngTONY Blair has converted to Roman Catholicism. “Why now,” asks the BBC’s 10’clock news?

Firstly, says the reporter, “Anything in the prime minister’s life can cause huge attention, huge fuss and Tony Blair wanted to avoid that”

Tony Blair converts is the lead news item on the TV news; “Tony Blair joins Catholic Church” is the lead item on the BBC news website.

So why did he convert now..?

Posted: 22nd, December 2007 | In: Politicians, TV & Radio | Comments (29)

John Darwin: Live From Panama City

darwins-panama1.jpgJOHN Darwin is the lead story on the BBC’s 6 o’clock news bulletin.

That the story of a man who claims to have no memory of the past five years is the main news item is testament to this country’s media.

The BBC’s Duncan Kennedy is live from Panama City, where Mr Darwin’s widow now lives.

“We’ve only just arrived ourselves,” says Mr Kennedy live from Panama City.

And of Mrs Darwin? Says Kennedy live from the scene: “We don’t know her exact location tonight.” He tells us that she “may be with friends”.

More live news later…

John Darwin is missing here and haunting here 

Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Gemma Atkinson Lock Lips In The Celebrity Jungle

NEWS that the Daily Star is among the tens of people still watching goings on in the I’m A Celebrity jungle reaches the paper’s front page.

“JUNGLE GEMMA’S LESBIAN SHOCKER,” says the paper. “And it’s all caught on camera.”

Chances are this encounter occurred at night, and readers should expect grainy images similar to those that exposed pop acorn Peter Andre’s amour for Jordan.

But this is the full colour affair. Indeed, a film has been made of Gemma’s clinch with Jamie Winstone, daughter to “movie hardman” Ray Winstone.

Jaime is not in the jungle (that’s Chris Biggins) but she is in a new film with Gemma called Boogie Woogie. And in one scene Gemma and Jaime kiss.

“Afterwards I felt a bit ‘Ooww’ and when I got home I felt a bit abused,” says Gemma.

Catch Gemma on tonight’s show where she will be eating a crocodile’s penis and kangaroo’s testicles…

Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

You Decide What A Big Brother Star Is Good For

chanelle-hayes-big-brother.jpgCHANELLE Hayes is for hire. The Big Brother star emeritus will appear in a Star reader’s place of work for one whole day. Free.

“It’s bound to turn your mates green with envy if you walk in with the 20-year-old beauty on your arm,” says the paper. And greener still when you invite her to sit down at your work pod, log her into your PC put her typing, filing and tea-making skills to the test.

Chanelle is advised to give this on-the-job training scheme her all, and help to answer the question: What is a reality TV star good for?

Your suggestions please. Best reply wins Chanelle, or cash equivalent…

Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)

Blue Peter’s Little Luvvies Are BBC Winners

“BLUE PETER USES CHILD ACTORS FOR ‘WINNERS’,” announces the Sun. “Blue Peter…plunged into a new scandal.”

Stage-school mums will be keen to point out that child actors are winners, by definition. And if they are to be the new Michael Barrymore, Jordan or Billie Piper, they have to begin somewhere.

And what more fitting place than the revamped Blue Peter sofa where the little luvvies are chatting with TV impressionist Jon Culshaw.

Viewers had been invited to enter a contest – pull a face to look like a Frank Spencer – and earn the right to meet Culshaw. But one winner noticed that two of the others were from drama agency, doubtless recognising them from crowd shorts of Ready Steady Cook and the BBC’s news bulletin “Life in Darfur”.

A Blue Peter spokesman says staff would be sent on a “trust course”.

But we admire their thinking outside the box and marvel at how the programme makers invited children to pretend to be winner in a contest to meet a man who pretends to be Tony Blair.

Pic: The Spine 

Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Feeling For Gemma Atkinson And Janice In The Celebrity Jungle

WITH just three days to find out who Gemma Atkinson is, the Star once more features the I’m A Celebrity agonist on its cover page.

“GEMMA I WANT FUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE,” announces the front-page headline as Gemma gamely invites the blind and partially sighted to see if they can identity her by the power of touch.

“After eating croc willy Gemma will be up for nookie!” says the Star. Such is the way of celebrity that Gemma Atkinson’s personal life is now the stuff of tabloid sensation, and many would prefer not to know.

But the Star is fearless in its pursuit of truth. As is the reliable Daily Sport, which leads with “WE FIND BLOKE WHO JANICE HASN’T BONKED.”

Janice is I’m A Celebrity’s Janice Dickinson, Coronation Street’s goby seamstress.

“BUSHF#@%ER MORE LIKE!,” says the Sport’s headline approvingly. “Sex mad Janice will chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out.” As we say, she’s the goby one…

Posted: 9th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Here: A Tabloid Guessing Game

I’M A Celebrity Get Me Out Here is all set to begin. And the Sun issues a challenge to budding tabloid writers: Can you name all of the celebrities?

The paper’s front page is a forest of faces, some almost familiar, some less so.

Jobbing Chris Biggins is easy to spot, although if he were to remove his feature glasses, there is no small chance he would look like “John Burton Race” or “Katie Hopkins”. And is “John Burton Race” the infamous provincial solicitors practice, the one forever locked in a bitter war for local business with “Anna Ryder Richardson”?

Fred Fairbass or Craig Fairbass. Is Marc Bannerman the celebrity chef, for surely there must be one in the group?

As ever with the tabloids, when one organ dares try the different, another should spoil it. And the Mirror leads with news of the “secret” I’m A Celebrity line—up.

There are pictures of the “CELEBS”. And looking through the faces and biogs we realise that these can’t be the real contestants, but mere stooges, part of a PR stunt to make the genuine celebrities appear, well, genuine when they swing into the jungle.

Janice Dicksinson? Ingrid Tarrant? As if…

Pic: 14 

Posted: 8th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (12)

I’m A Celebrity…Get Me In: New Celeb Show Starts Soon

ANORAK is always on the look-out for the latest celebrity, and await the onset of TV’s I’m A Celebrity..Get Me Out Of Here! with great excitement.

Becoming the face of own-brand supermarket ketchup is not for the faint of heart and the Star leads its news review with: “JUNGLE VICE GIRLS SHOCK – Celeb hooker joins Ant & Dec.”

Ant (left) & Dec (right) are the show’s presenters. And the vice girl is a “busty blonde” who once took part in a “mile-high romp with a Harry Potter star”.

She’s called Lisa Robertson, and is known to Ralph Fiennes as the stewardess-cum-prostitute with whom he inspected the Qantas in-flight facilities.

Ms Robertson is said to be in “frantic” discussions to feature on the show. Although her presence could give lie to the notion that the celebs are roughing it and not enjoying some pampering when the cameras are switched to manual…

Posted: 7th, November 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Big Brother’s Chanelle Is A Hit

“CHANNELLE BOTTLED IN CLUB ATTACK,” announces the Star’s front-page headline. “BB babe run for her life”.

“I was terrified I was going to be blinded,” say Chanelle Hayes, slightly sweaty from her appearance Jumpin Jak’s, one of Halifax’s premier nightspots (VIP Q-Jump for Hen Parties). She is on stage. A bottle is thrown from the crowd.

Chanelle escapes. But she is prepared, dressed in clean knickers (first pink, then black). Whether hit by a bottle or a bus, Chanelle will be able to maintain the standards she has set herself…

Posted: 30th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes Aims For The Tops

BIG Brother’s Chanelle Hayes has a question she’d like to ask Daily Star readers: “Wanna see my boobs on Page 3?”

The puzzler appears on the Star’s cover, and feature Chanelle dressed in a blue bikini and stood in water. Her fingers are grappling with the sides of her briefs, suggesting that the wrong answer will see them pulled down.

The Star does not do that kind of thing, only topless shots. A bottomless Chanelle has more chance of appearing in less family publications and medical journals.

In any case, her question is undone by the front-page news of a Chanelle “EXCLUSIVE” on the paper’s Page 38. As most Star readers know ‘38’ is a number different to ‘3’. It is more. And to emphasise this we turn past a picture of topless Sophie and Malene on Page 3 to Page 38, whereon a knickers and bra-clad Chanelle tells us: “My new boobs will be fit for Page 3.”

The Star then asks its readers to vote on: “Should Chanelle pose on page 3.” The implication is that Chanelle will only be fit for Page 3 after her breast augmentation, for which plastic surgeons are “lining up”.

So don’t vote now, dear reader. Keep your powders dry. Wait until Chanelle is fit for purpose and then vote. And vote often…

Posted: 25th, October 2007 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (3)

JK Rowling: Dumbledore Is Gay – Harry Potter Unsure

BIG news on the BBC: “Dumbledore is gay,” says JK Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books.

“The audience gasped, then applauded, ” notes the BBC. Says Rowling: “I would have told you earlier if I knew it would make you so happy. Falling in love can blind us to an extent.” Dumbledore was “horribly, terribly let down” and his love for Grindelwald was his “great tragedy”.

Gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell repsonds: “It’s good that children’s literature includes the reality of gay people, since we exist in every society. But I am disappointed that she did not make Dumbledore’s sexuality explicit in the Harry Potter book. Making it obvious would have sent a much more powerful message of understanding and acceptance.”

How true. If we can have adults reading children’s books in public, then why not a fictional gay wizard? It’s groundbreaking. (Dumbeldore’s Iranian roots are well documented.)

A spokesman for gay rights group Stonewall adds: “It’s great that JK has said this. It shows that there’s no limit to what gay and lesbian people can do, even being a wizard headmaster.”

But not a real gay headmater. That would be disgusting…

Posted: 20th, October 2007 | In: TV & Radio | Comments (25)

Chanelle Hayes 1: Victoria Beckham 2

CHANELLE Hayes is preparing to tell Star readers about her fight with “SMELLY Victoria Beckham.

The Big Brother star emeritus is getting ready. We see her dressed only in her knickers and bra (matching) and pulling up a pair of fishnet stockings.

Inside, spread over the Star’s centre-crease, Chanelle is “Chanelle No.1”. She is launching her own perfume. Called Simply Chanelle, the scent features top notes of used hankie, fresh tissue and bottom notes of out-the-box PVC.

“I’m really pleased with it,” says Chanelle. “I chose the name and chose loads and loads of different samples.”

And, of course, Chanelle hopes she will beat smelly’ Posh’s own signature odour. The two women look a little alike, and it is hoped that the addition of branded scents will help one and all differentiate between the two. And stop David Beckham from making a terrible mistake…

Posted: 11th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (15)

Tabloid Quote Of the Day: EastEnders

SAYS executive producer Dierderick Santer in the Mirror: “There was a phase in EastEnders when it became a bit too accelerated and bit unbelievable.” Yeah, a bit unbelievable…

Posted: 9th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Unforgivable: Oh For The Smell Of P Diddy

WHAT does P Diddy smell like? Clue: the P stands for..?

14 says: Diddy recently launched Unforgivable, his new fragrance for women.

Ads featuring Doodles Diddy biting, pawing and groping attractive young women caused so much controversy that even MTV refused to air the racy TV commercial unless Diddy agreed to make edits to tone it down.

Of course, Diddy refused. No one tells Diddy what to do.

The toothy mogul mumbled something about the type of women he had in mind when he “created” the fragrance. “She’s strong, she’s into fashion, a woman who’s sensual and passionate, and a quiet woman. A woman who picks the words she chooses carefully, and when she speaks she says what she means.”

Interesting how Diddy goes to so much trouble describing the way he prefers women to communicate. I can just hear him, “Shhh, quiet down ‘lil lady. Here’s some money, why don’t you go shopping for something sexy and when you come home, I’ll grope you in the hallway. Run along now, and don’t come home until you’ve piped down.”

Diddy has built his empire around one main thing: Diddy.

Posted: 8th, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Strictly Come Dancing: In For A Penny

STRICTLY Come Dancing contestant Penny Lancaster is in the Sun.

“We hope there will be another one,” says Penny. “We’re planning on it and hopefully after Strictly Come Dancing we’ll start trying again.”

The BBC’s leading pro-celebrity ballroom show is set to run for a number of weeks, giving Penny’s husband Rod Stewart ample time to get himself in shape for the big push.

“I’m happy to wait until next year to try for a baby,” says Penny. “My aim is to get all the way to the end of Strictly Come Dancing so I can learn all the routines.”

Rod is in the hearing aid beige years and having sired many children may well need a new angle, something Penny’s rumba may provide…

Posted: 4th, October 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

GMTV Fined And Makes Challenging TV

gmtv.jpg“GMTV has been fined £2million for cheating its viewers out of £20million,” says the Sun.

Is this?
a) Good value
b) France
c) Kerry Katona

Don’t, bother calling in because GMTV has removed all premium rate services from its broadcasts.

The show’s creatives have been working overtime to dream up a filler to replace the popular phone-in slot.

As a result we can exclusively reveal that viewers are invited to count the hair on presenter Andrew Castle’s top lip and, in the interests of fairness, extend the same courtesy of his co-host Fiona Phillips.

The best answers go into tie-breaker with the winner working out how much money GMTV made from its “PHONE-IN FIX” (winners were picked before the lines had closed) given that around 25million callers, paying up to £1.80 a time, had no chance of winning. And that 130,000 viewers have had their money refunded.

Get counting now…

Posted: 27th, September 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (7)