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“AL-QAEDA terrorists are plotting to bomb a Premiership football game LIVE on British TV,” says the News of the World.

Don’t panic! Ooer, looks like fans at some grounds already have; get a load of those empty seats.

Back to the sensational news. And “a top-placed security source” has seen a report written by Homeland Security Minister Lord West.

Cynics might suppose anyone charged with protecting the security of the UK would not miss a trick to call for more resources. They will assure us that we are on the verge of disaster and that each day without untold death is less testament to the ineffectiveness of the enemy (see attack on Glasgow Airport) or the effectiveness of our security forces (see foiled attack on London) than to the fact that big plan has yet to be executed.

But this is not the case. Says the source: “We have concrete intelligence that al-Qaeda is planning an attack that would be seen live on television. We understand they’re targeting a Premiership stadium, probably by a suicide pilot flying a light aircraft right into the stand while a match is being broadcast.”

So the football will be cancelled and all light aircraft checked and re-checked. The plan is afoot. We will not take any chances.

Says the source: “Although protection is good at some stadiums it’s nowhere near good enough at others.”

Attack!

Indeed. Only a fool would take on Arsenal (nicknamed the Gunners) and sponsored by Emirates Airline. As for other grounds:

Chelsea (Stamford Bridge was nothing if not a battle)

Tottenham are perceived a Jewish club – clear attraction there – but their name seeks to embody the spit of Sir Henry ‘Hotsopur’ Percy, a pugnacious hothead. Best left alone.

Newcastle (St James’ Park) and Birmingham (St Andrews) are protected by god.

And there is little point in attacking a park, so Portsmouth (Fratton Park), Blackburn Rovers (Ewood Park), Aston Villa (Villa Park), Derby County (Pride Park) and Everton (Goodison Park) are safe.

Bolton Wanderers (Reebok Stadium) and Wigan (JJB Stadium) are venues sponsored by companies and any attack on them could see Al Qaeda sued for damage to brand.

The enemy would not bother with Fulham, who play at a thatched Craven Cottage.

And any plane flying near Sunderland’s Stadium of Light would attract no little attention as the locals stopped, starred and pointed at the strange metal bird.

Liverpool has a Kop, so too risky. And an attack on Manchester United is ill advised because those seated in Old Trafford’s vertiginous North Stand are nearer to god than all but the most holy.

West Ham play at the Boleyn Ground, named after Anne Boleyn, a woman beheaded on a charge of adultery, incest and treason. She is seen by many as a martyr. It’s a good fit but locals have been there are done that.

Which leaves Manchester City’s City of Manchester Stadium as the clear preferred target.

So rest easy, football fans. Any attack will occur on Monday, 05 November 2007 at Man City v Sunderland, kick off 20:00 on Sky Sports One.

The attack be seen by the almost tens of Britons who tune on a night when the rest of the county will be creating a huge bonfire and throwing the effigy of a Catholic on top…

Posted: 14th, October 2007 | In: War On Terror. Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0