Anorak News | Ass Bandits

Ass Bandits

by | 21st, August 2003

‘WHILE the Greeks get worked up about British arses, we’re getting all steamed up about British asses, with today’s news that asylum seekers are eating our donkeys.

‘Nice ass!’

Yes, according to the front page of this morning’s Star, nine female donkeys have been stolen from Greenwich Royal Park in London and are on the way to a dinner table near you.

That at least is the view of the police who say that donkey meat is considered a delicacy by East Africans.

“And,” it says, “two areas near Greenwich – Woolwich and Thamesmead – have large numbers of Somalian asylum seekers.”

That is easily enough evidence for the Star, although the police thankfully are a bit more circumspect.

“We are totally baffled over what has happened to the donkeys,” a police insider tells the paper.

“They’ve been giving rides to kids for years and have become a bit of an institution.”

The Star says this incident of donkey rustling follows reports of swans being stolen from ponds and lakes in London supposedly by immigrants to eat.

But if the donkeys are not on a Somalian dinner plate by now, where are they?

Owner Len Thorne said he was also checking reports that Albanian immigrants have been spotted in the past few days giving donkey rides in seaside towns in Kent.

And he might also like to check out reports that they are being ritualistically tortured by Kurdish refugees or put to work by cruel Spaniards.

But the Star is sticking with its story that they have been eaten – and isn’t above presenting it as fact to predictably outraged locals.

“It makes my blood boil when I hear that asylum seekers have stolen them to eat,” says 76-year-old Margaret Reynolds – as she tucked into a swan sandwich.’

Posted: 21st, August 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink