Anorak News | Ben’s A Sap

Ben’s A Sap

by | 24th, August 2003

‘IF Ben Affleck were a porn star he’d be a natural.

When is a tree not a tree?

Getting and giving wood, as the Americans have it, would be an easy thing for the most wooden movie star since Pinocchio.

And like Pinocchio, Affleck has a troublesome conscience. No, he’s not worried about arriving on Hollywood’s A-list under a false pretences, he, as the Enquire has it, is concerned about a possible dalliance with a gaggle of Canadian strippers.

We say possible because Ben is telling girlfriend Jennifer Lopez that all he did was watch the girls dance. But the Enquirer reported that Affleck romped with one Tammy ‘Portia’ Morris and two other strippers in a house Christian Slater was renting.

Yes, girls, that small sycamore in the lounge room was not a plant, that was Hollywood hunk Ben Affleck!

And now the magazine says it’s found a “smoking gun” proving that it was right and that Ben is a lying cheating hound.

Ryan Haddon, wife of Christian Slater, has, as the Enquirer claims, been trying to secure the exotic dancers’ silence.

She even wrote a letter, in which she says she trusts the women to “protect us and keep the time we shared together as…a time capsule of fun, friendship and good times”.

In the interests of crime research, the Enquirer has asked a team of experts to examine the authenticity of said smoking gun letter and the men and women in the know say it is indeed a genuine letter.

Meanwhile, Ben has gone to ground. And with the right conditions and plenty of water, he should fruit nicely in the spring…’

Posted: 24th, August 2003 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink