Anorak News | Going Potty

Going Potty

by | 8th, September 2003

‘WHAT exactly does this Labour government have to do to surrender its lead in the opinion polls?

‘This country’s going to pot’

At a time when it is bogged down in Iraq after going to war on the flimsiest of evidence and against the wishes of the majority of the country, when it is mired in rows over spin and when it has lost the support of its traditional trades union base, it still holds a comfortable five-point lead over the Tories in today’s Times poll.

One can only imagine the circumstances in which Iain Duncan Smith could win a popular vote to become Prime Minister.

Tony Blair would have just invaded Sweden, having personally ordered the intelligence service to fabricate evidence that Stockholm was preparing to flood Britain with faulty Volvos and flat-pack furniture that was impossible to put together.

Euan Blair would have admitted to having participated in an orgy of sex, drugs and healing crystals with his mother’s adviser Carole Caplin and her new boyfriend, Jimmy “Four Fingers” Malone.

And Mr Duncan Smith’s head would have suddenly sprouted hair amid revelations that he once beat Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix and Tony Blair in a jamming session to find the world’s best guitarist.

In the meantime, the machinery of government turns as usual, two examples of which we see on the front page of this morning’s Times.

In the first, we hear how in yesterday’s mock-up of a terror attack on central London firefighters had to practise with 13-stone dummies because the Health & Safety Executive would not allow them to use real people.

In the second, we read that the Department of Trade & Industry has just produced a six-page, 2,000-word booklet to tell staff how best to arrange pot plants in their office.

For instance, in departments which have adopted the New Ways Of Working scheme (which is “open-plan, having new-style furniture and soft/seating/breakout areas), staff are allowed one 5-6ft plant every three to four seats.

In departments which have not yet adopted New Ways Of Working, staff are allowed one plant per 120 sq m of usable floor space (UFA), excluding corridors and kitchens.

In departments with nothing better to do than to produce this bureaucratic nonsense, staff are advised to bring in triffids or any other form of man-eating vegetation.’

Posted: 8th, September 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink