Anorak News | Signal From God

Signal From God

by | 16th, October 2003

‘PEERING just under the fetid armpit of the man to our left and craning our necks to see over the dandruff-coated crown of the woman standing on our feet, we read with interest news in today’s Independent.

If you can fit 14 people in a phone box…

After years of waiting, something called the Commons Transport Committee has arrived at the conclusion that trains are overcrowded.

This is odd news given that last night’s 11:54 service from Dundee to Perth had a spare seat in carriage B. Overcrowding, it seems, is very much a matter of opinion and timing.

And that is the crux of things. MPs say that the regime for monitoring overcrowding is “absurd”, since it is calculated on one day each year and based on an operator’s entire area rather than the busiest routes.

Anyone taking a less crowded train, such as the aforesaid Dundee shuttle, can study the report, entitled Overcrowding On Public Transport, in some comfort.

Those on the more crowded trains should write down the key points on that armpit that’s been shoved in their face for the past 35 minutes.

And the point to note in indelible ink is one delivered by Gwyneth Dunwoody, the committee’s chairman, who says: “Overcrowding is not an act of God.”

So there you are. It is official.

Sadly, accidents are acts of the divine one, as are over-inflated hikes in ticket prices, the existence of the smarmy work-shy loafers in the peaked cap operating at work-to-rule pace and John Prescott’s Jaguars.

If you don’t want to take our word for it, you can ask God yourself, care of Mr T Blair on Platform 10.’

Posted: 16th, October 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink