Anorak News | God Help Us

God Help Us

by | 17th, October 2003

‘EVERYTHING in America is bigger. OK, the titchy sperm might be doing doggy paddle as it waves for the third and last time, but feast your eyes on those cars and check out the arse on that!

‘And on the eighth day I bombed the crap out of Iraq’

And now we get to learn what we always feared was true. According to Lt Gen William Boykin, a man described in the Telegraph as leading the hunt for Osama bin Laden, America’s God is bigger than all other Gods.

The Gipper is bigger than Allah, more mighty than Jehovah, has a better memory that Ganesh, as well as eyes that move realistically from side to side.

If you press his stomach he cries out “Vote Bush For Eternity” in each of the world’s languages, although not Arabic (which, as we have learnt, is the idiom of Satan himself).

For this news we must thank reporters on the Los Angles Times who have looked into the sayings of Gen Boykin and found some gems.

“Why is this man in the White House?” asked Boykin at one Christian prayer meeting at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. This is a question that has puzzled many of us, especially all those who can count and voted for Al Gore.

But Boykin has a different answer. “The majority of Americans did not vote for him. He’s in the White House because God put him there for such a time as this.”

Not only is God a Republican but he might well have impregnated Barbara Bush all those moons ago. This is a being that works hard for his people.

But the quote that makes us all nod and say “That’s all, Folks” in unison is the one Boykin uttered after his victory over a Muslim warlord in Somalia, who had boasted that Allah would protect him.

“I knew my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real god and his was an idol.”

An idol indeed. But not all effigies are bad and if you want a replica of Boykin’s God, equipped with flak jacket, AK47 assault rifle and night vision goggles, pray real hard.

Only the true believers get one these beauties. Infidels have to make do with a Sindy.’

Posted: 17th, October 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink