Anorak News | Kill Phil

Kill Phil

by | 20th, October 2003

‘LOONY Lisa’s fragile hold on sanity slipped further away this week when she decided to kill Phil yet again. Even though she failed the last time, Lisa thought it would be a good idea to use almost exactly the same plan this time round. And for good measure, she left a copy of it in her flat for Sharon to find.

The Watts: Dim And Dimmer

It’s difficult to see why even someone of Lisa’s limited intelligence would need to write down: “Buy gun. Lure Phil to woods. Shoot Phil.”

Sharon had popped round to give Lisa a toy of Louise’s that she’d dropped in the street. Unfortunately, being one sandwich short of a picnic, Lisa had left both the gun and the plan lying around.

“Don’t try an’ stop me,” wailed an increasingly goggle-eyed Lisa. “He deserves to die.” When Sharon failed to dissuade her of this slightly drastic course of action, Lisa ran out, locking her in the flat – which would have been a slightly better plan if she’d remembered to cut the phone line first.

Instead of calling up Nigerian chat lines like most people, Sharon called her dad, begging him to warn Phil of Lisa’s plan. Den rushed off to the Walford woods to talk Lisa out of it, for reasons best known to himself, as he and Phil are already sworn enemies.

“We need to work together on this darlin’” Den growled. “Yer daughter ain’t gonna fank you fer killin ‘er dad now, is she?” After much lip quivering, Lisa decided that Den was right and lowered the gun just as Phil was calling out to her.

Den has now taken Lisa under his wing and given her a job (unspecified) and even got her five grand back from John The Hitman. “There are more ways to skin a cat,” he muttered to Lisa in the caff, or rather ways to peel a Mr Potatohead.

Den has already put his plans into motion by buying Phil’s old house in The Square and employing an extra from The Krays to go digging into his background. And according to the tabloids, Den’s set to go one stage further by bedding Sam Mitchell over Christmas.

Elsewhere in The Square, Pauline and Derek have finally gotten wise to Martin and kicked him out for stealing from the stall. Pauline has now successfully managed to get rid of all her horrendous offspring.

Perhaps she could give the Queen some tips.’

Posted: 20th, October 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink