Anorak News | Swine, Women & Song

Swine, Women & Song

by | 18th, November 2003

‘SOAP law dictates that weddings must take place within the space of two weeks of announcing them, the reception must be held in the local pub and there must be either a punch-up or a startling revelation before the bride and groom are allowed to say: ‘I do.’


Kat’s wedding to Andy managed to fulfil all the criteria without even taking place. It’s been blindingly obvious for weeks to everyone but Andy (who’s supposed to be Walford’s criminal mastermind) that Kat was never going to marry him.

He employed the second of his two facial expressions (the constipated one) when Alfie burst into his wedding to declare his love for Kat.

“I love you Kat, don’t do it,” pleaded Alfie. Kat, after taking several weeks and the combined strength of the England rugby squad to get her into her wedding dress, wasn’t sure if she wanted to give up her big day. “I can see us being togevver forever,” whispered Alfie – ‘together’ being about six months in soap world obviously.

In the end Kat decided to chuck in her Gangster’s Paradise and go off with Alfie. “I’m sorry,” she told a fish-mouthed Andy. “It just wouldn’t have worked.”

Kat’s already moved into the Vic and we’ve been subjected to the sight of them both naked in bed, surely in this holy month of Ramadan, the right-on BBC would have been more sensitive and not shown so much porcine flesh on prime-time television.

Elsewhere on The Square, more stomach churning scenes included Janine hopping in and out of bed with both Barry and Paul. Well more like being lowered in and out like a beached whale.

Janine is getting cold feet about her marriage to Barry but Paul accused her of going soft, “We’re in this together babe,” he told her. Which is surely going to make her wedding night a little bit crowded.

Then there was Sonia and Martin. After their one-night stand, even Sonia had the good grace to look absolutely horrified. “Leave now – this must never happen again,” she shuddered.

The dubious honour of most horrendous bedroom antics of the week however goes to Gary, who bedded both Lynne and Laura in the same night.

Laura seduced him by wearing a black negligee (don’t even go there) and Lynne got drunk and offered to sleep with him “one more time for old time’s sake”. Poor Gary doesn’t know if he’s coming or going – quite literally.’

Posted: 18th, November 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink