Back From The Dead

‘AS Christmas time approaches, it’s nice to see the producers doing so much to help struggling pensioners.

”I knew I should have turned myself in instead”

Out of the kindness of their hearts (I can’t see what other reason they’d have), they’ve ensured that Bet Lynch and Liz McDonald won’t go cold and hungry this Yuletide by bringing their characters back from the Twilight world of adverts for support tights and fitness videos.

Bet and Liz were reunited at the Newton and Ridley Former License Holders Reunion in (where else?) Blackpool. “I’d know that voice anywhere,” shrieked Bet as she emerged from a toilet cubicle where she’d been etching her name and number on the wall.

The two quickly caught up and realised that nothing much had changed apart from the amount of Polyfilla they now need on a daily basis.

Liz revealed that she’d had a one-night stand with her boss, Laurie (who’d clearly robbed Jimmy Saville’s dressing room the amount of gold he was wearing) but that her heart belonged to Jim.

“You can’t imagine what it’s like being without a man for years and years,” she wailed to Bet. Oh yes she can, Liz. Jim had heard rumours that Liz was playing away (indeed her away form would put Arsenal’s to shame) and broke out of prison to confront her, roping in Steve and Karen for the ride.

“I’m sorry to be puttin’ yer to so much trouble, so I am,” he told a fuming Karen in the car up to Blackpool. Jim shouldn’t be too concerned, however, as trouble is Karen’s middle name (along with “money back guarantee”).

Bet was also having trouble with matters of the heart when millionaire Cecil Newton (of Newton and Ridley fame) proposed marriage to her.

“We’re not getting any younger Bet,” he told her, winning this week’s prize for stating the bleedin’ obvious. “How about it?” Bet, realising that leopardskin marquees don’t grow on trees is seriously considering his offer, much to Cecil’s son Philip’s horror.

“She’s nothing but a money-grabbing harlot who’ll suck you dry.” Which is, we suspect, exactly why Cecil’s keen to marry her. Philip hired a private investigator to take pictures of Bet and of course, this being the wonderful world of soap, happened to picture her in a compromising clinch with Jim McDonald.

Bet had gone to warn Jim, who was hiding out in Fred Elliot’s caravan, that Ashley was on his way. Bet and Jim fled down the pier just as a police car was making its way in the opposite direction.

“Quick! “hissed Bet. “Kiss me.” Yer man Jim duly obliged. “Blimey!” said Bet. “You’ve learnt some tricks in jail.”

Back in Weatherfield, the mighty Blanche has returned from wherever it is that Vampires go on holiday. On hearing that her granddaughter was carrying Roy Cropper’s child, she wasn’t backwards at coming forward.

“No way!” she screeched. “No way is my great grandchild being brought up by a bloke who looks like he should be crayoning somewhere and another bloke in a dress.”

Blanche – we salute you.’

Posted: 25th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink