Anorak News | Crime Pays Off

Crime Pays Off

by | 29th, November 2003

‘DEN lived up to his name this week when he did the dirty on Phil, and left him in the factory during their robbery and looking at a long prison sentence.

‘Don’t worry, I’ll sort it’

Phil, being really quite dim even by Walford standards, had agreed to rob a factory with Den and Dennis. “Just look on it as yer retirement fund,” said Den as the pound signs flashed in front of Phil’s eyes.

Den had convinced him that all their previous run-ins were water under the bridge and the pair joined up in an unholy alliance not seen since the Chirac and Blair photocall.

The plan had been for Dennis and Den to do the actual robbery, with Phil supplying the money. But Dennis conveniently got himself arrested in the Vic the night before (for crimes against acting probably) so Phil had to step into the breach.

Amazingly, Phil managed to fit through the skylight and get into the factory and the job seemed to be going well until just as the pair were leaving, Den pretended that he’d hurt his ankle and left the car keys in the safe.

Phil was forced to go back for them and Den locked him inside and called the police. Den called Phil on his mobile to taunt him: “This is fer Sharon, Dennis and Lisa,” he told an increasing scarlet Mr Potato Head.

The police duly turned up and a jubilant DI Marsdon told him that this time, they’d be no escape. Phil has called in Marcus though, the world’s most successful lawyer, so all’s not lost: from property law, attempted murder and child custody battles, he’s yer man.

Back in Walford, Lisa, Sharon and Kate all attended the Annual General Meeting of ‘Women Mad Enough To Have Shagged Phil”, unaware that he was back in his holiday home (Walford nick).

Sharon was helping Lisa to launch a custody battle to get baby Louise back. “We’ll show ‘em, Lisa,” Sharon quivered. “We’ll do it the legal way.”

Kate told the women that Phil had changed (yes, changed into prison clothes) and that he was a good father. Shouldn’t that be ‘Godfather’?

Elsewhere, Alfie proposed to Kat in the Vic (there’s a surprise) and announced that they were getting married on Christmas Day. It’d had better be before the turkey, otherwise there’s no way Kat’s going to make it through the double doors.

And Gary is on a one-man mission to populate the borough of Walford with sub-normal West Ham fans, having slept with Belinda, Lynne and Laura in the same week.

Some may say that Walford already is populated by sub-normal West Ham fans but I couldn’t possibly comment.’

Posted: 29th, November 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink