Nelson’s Weekly Column

‘THE Literary Review’s Bad Sex In Fiction Award, which was won last night by Indian author Aniruddha Bahal, didn’t exist in the early 19th Century.

Nelson was an expert at getting his wooden leg over

Which is just as well for Lord Nelson, famed for his naval genius, his one eye, one arm and one leg, his monumental column and now his erotic prose.

The Telegraph says a single letter from the noble lord to his lover Lady Emma Hamilton fetched £117,000 at auction yesterday.

One part reads: ”I can neither eat or sleep for thinking of you, my dearest love. I never even touch pudding.”

Given the standard of cuisine prevalent in the Royal Navy in 1800, we suggest that this is not such a hardship on the admiral’s part.

However, he goes on: ”Last night, I did nothing but dream of you, although I woke 20 times in the night. In one of my dreams, I thought I was at a large table, you was not present, sitting between a Princess who I detest and another.

”They both tried to seduce me and the first wanted to take those liberties with me which no woman in this world but yourself ever did.

”The consequence was I knocked her down and in the moment of bustle you came in and taking me to your embrace whispered ‘I love nothing but you, my Nelson’.

”I kissed you fervently and we enjoyed the height of love.”

All of which is – as anyone who didn’t study at St Hilda’s would be able to tell you – complete nonsense.

What actually happened in the dream was that Emma Hamilton walked in on Nelson in a threesome with the Princess he supposedly detests and another – and, instead of being angry with her hero, ripped off her clothes and joined in.

That’s why they’re called dreams…’

Posted: 4th, December 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink