Anorak News | A Near Thing

A Near Thing

by | 5th, December 2003

‘THE Sun brings news that Peter Randall’s kidney sell-off is progressing well. A bid of £80,000 has been made by an American women who claims to want the kidney for her husband.

Did Damon and Vicky nearly make a half decent record?

It’ll make a change from the AK47 assault rifle most American housewives buy their spouses, but she’s still £20,000 shy of the recommended retail price.

Sure it is a decent offer for a 49-year-old second-hand organ, but it’s not the £100,000 Peter is after. It is only near.

And being near is very much the theme of today’s news.

Take the story in the Sun, where we learn that Victoria Beckham’s mucker, Damon Dash, stands accused by his former lover, Linda Williams, of smoking cannabis in front of their 11-year-old son.

His proximity to the Posh one, and, by association, her children, suggests that, if the story’s true, Brooklyn and Romeo are almost in danger of inhaling some second-hand smoke.

And there’s the Sun’s other nearly story about science teacher Jonathan Summers, who has been found in the possession of 400 pornographic pictures of children.

For sure, he’s a creepy, odious inadequate, but things could have been worse. Readers learn that until his arrest Summers was a teacher at Howells School, Cardiff.

Yes, that is the school where Charlotte Church once studied, and where she opted not to take an exam in science, the subject Summers taught.

How near she was to being in the same room as a sex offender!

And how close Darkness front man, Justin Hawkins, came to being sent to Sing Sing, Camp Delta, Palm Springs or wherever America sends her enemies.

The Star says that on arrival at JFK Airport, Hawkins was briefly mistaken for another Justin Hawkins, who occupies a spot on their Most Wanted List.

Only it wasn’t that Justin Hawkins but the English one – the one in spandex and make-up. His name was as near as things got.

But once more the story got away.’

Posted: 5th, December 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink