Anorak News | Phil Goes Down

Phil Goes Down

by | 10th, December 2003

‘IT looks like Mr Potato Head is going to be having porridge for his Christmas dinner as he’s still languishing in Walford nick, getting progressively worse at acting – if that was humanly possible.

”Hey, you’ve held me in the same position for a week now”

He’s taken to sitting, sulking in his cell or flying into gibbering rages, very much like Gollum from ‘Lord of the Rings’ (except slightly less attractive).

Phil is refusing to ‘grass up’ Den and Dennis, telling sister Sam that he’ll get his revenge another way, saying that it goes against his ‘code’. It must be the Green Cross Code he’s referring to as Phil happily grassed up Dennis to Andy less than two months ago.

Phil has appointed Sam as the acting head of his empire (consisting of pub, greasy spoon and snooker hall). “You’re the only one left now, Sam. It’s on your shoulders,” he told her, handing over his ‘books’ – which were probably of the colouring kind.

In a maverick move, Sam has fired the manager of the snooker hall for stealing and appointed Billy in his place: a bloke who was fired a month ago – for stealing. It’s rather like sacking George Bush and replacing him with his father.

Phil’s got more than his business empire to worry about, however, as Kate has handed baby Louise over to Lisa – who promptly left the Square. “How could I have been so stupid to think Phil would have changed?” sobbed Kate to a bemused Dennis. “It’s over.”

Dennis, never one to look a gift horse/whore in the mouth, was quick to take advantage and offered her his own brand of marriage guidance: a tongue sandwich.

Elsewhere in The Square, the consequences of extra-marital activity have hit home for Gary as he’s developed an itch in a very embarrassing place. Gary has given Belinda, Laura and Lynne head nits.

And all that time we thought that the only reason Gary spent so much time scratching his head was because he’s an idiot.

Love also hurts in the Ferrier house, when Adi discovered that his brother, Ash, is seeing Shirley. In a very Jerry Springer moment, Adi leapt over the sofa and screamed: “How can you sleep with the woman you know our dad loves?” before punching him in the face.

In the Vic, Alfie is busy planning his dream wedding to Kat – a wedding that, if you believe the tabloids, isn’t actually going to take place as Alfie discovers he’s still married.

“What if it doesn’t snow?” he fretted to Little Mo. “Where am I gonna get inches of white powder from at such short notice?”

Well, he could start having a look round Danniella Westbrook’s old changing room for a start.’

Posted: 10th, December 2003 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink