Anorak News | Give War A Chance

Give War A Chance

by | 23rd, December 2003

‘WHEN George Bush came over on his State visit, we asked him a question. We wanted to know where we could join up and fight the war on terror.

B is for ‘Bomb the crap out of anyone who disagrees with you’

“People say, how can I help on this war against terror?” replied George. We urged him to go on. “How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in’s house and saying I love you.”

We tried George’s Plan A and noted that when we said “I love you“ to a small boy in a ‘shut-in’ house, the police were called, we were taken away and the News Of The World ran our mugshots beneath the headline “Hanging’s Too Good For ‘Em”.

The war did not end there, and others, like us, were disappointed to see that love was not enough and al-Quaeda and their nefarious cohorts still bombed innocents in Tunisia, Morocco, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Turkey.

It was time for Plan B. It was time to put down the flowers, pick up enormous bombs and drop them on so much sand in Iraq.

Saddam Hussein had to be stopped from building his infamous weapons of mass destruction.

After all, as Tony Blair told us, we were a mere 45 minutes away from annihilation. It was, in the language of Bush’s Wild West rhetoric, get him or get gotten.

Dr David Kelly, a leading expert in such weapons, would have surely backed up Tony’s claim – only he was no longer with us. But the course for war was clear-cut.

But some were confused. Clare Short, the thin-lipped cabinet minister, threatened to resign over an invasion of Iraq. So too did Robin Cook.

The difference was that Cook did resign, while Short held on (only to carry out her threat a month and a half later) and George Galloway, MP for Baghdad West, was expectorated from the Labour Party.

The war was producing some terrific victories before it had even begun. How we cheered!

And if any of us were still in doubt as to the validity of an assault on Iraq, George Bush had a few more words for us.

“The war on terror,” he said, “involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself.”

It was time for action! It was time to save the people of Iraq from a despot and Saddam from himself.

But how to go about it? Thankfully, Tony Blair had a few ideas that might have been of his own making.

“Our ultimate weapon is not our guns but our beliefs,” said Tony – which was lucky since time would prove that the British Armed Forces were pretty short of firearms and such fighting stuff.

“Ours are not Western values. They are the universal values of the human spirit and anywhere, any time, ordinary people are given the chance to choose, the choice is the same. Freedom not tyranny. Democracy not dictatorship.

“The rule of law not the rule of the secret police. The spread of freedom is the best security for the free. It…is…our…last…line…of…defence…and…our…first…line…of…attack.”




So armed with Western values of freedom and democracy, we bombed the crap out of Saddam, routed the local militia and took control.

But one thing was missing from the parade (which was also, incidentally, bombed by the guerrilla forces) – where was Saddam?

And where, for that matter, was Osama bin Laden? And, as so many suicide bombers are presumably now asking themselves: “Where are the virgins?”

Happily, Saddam is now back among the living, having been found hiding in a compact and bijou eight-feet deep hole hidden beneath a rug, bricks and dirt.

Sadly, Osama was not with him.

But we are sure that the world is a safer place than ever it was. And it’s fitting that the man who made it possible should have the last word.

Over to you, George Bush: ”See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.”

Any questions?’

Posted: 23rd, December 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink