Two Weddings & A Funeral
‘ALFIE and Kat saw in 2004 as man and wife after their wedding finally went ahead despite the groom still being married and having a service conducted by David Little Briton Williams.
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| Bride comes before a fall |
Christmas morning saw Kat being shoehorned into a giant red sausage skin and Alfie running around The Square like was still doing the Daz doorstep challenge. Alfies divorce hadnt come through and the registrar told him that he wasnt prepared to risk prison and marry him.
So rather than face the wrath of Kat (and lets face it, who could blame him?) he decided to allow one of Spencers mates to pretend to be the registrar. Just at the last minute, however, Alfie had an attack of conscience and confessed all to Kat, who took it surprisingly well.
Oh, Alfie, she simpered, I do love ya, but yer keep messin it up. Luckily for her and the ratings Alfies lawyer suddenly burst through the doors of the Vic, waving his divorce papers in his hand.
In Walford Winter Wonderland, both lawyers and registrars not only work on Christmas Day, they seem to be available free of charge as within minutes the wedding was back on and the Slaters were knocking back the free bar as only they know how.
There was less good news for others in The Square as news of Phil Mitchells escape spread. But in the end, Phils return was about as terrifying as a Channel 4 game of live Russian Roulette.
After growling at Kate for a bit, he meekly handed over his gun and went skulking off into the night. His much anticipated fight with Den and Mini-Den consisted of breaking a couple of chairs in the E20 and name calling.
You stole my wife, snarled Phil to Dennis in a very playground manner. Well, his one was probably bigger than yours, Phil.
The real EastEnders Christmas wedding, however, didnt actually take place in Walford but hundreds of miles away in Scotland.
Janine had fled to Scotland as part of a complicated plan to get Barry to marry her. Barry had panicked after the doctor told me he had an enlarged heart (thatll be a fat heart then), and cancelled his engagement.
I couldnt bear the fort of you being a young widow, he told a furious Janine. Which is ironic as thats exactly what Janine ended up only a week later.
Janine pretended she was fleeing to Scotland to get over a broken heart when all along she was waiting for Paul to persuade Barry to follow her and make an honest woman out of her (which would be quite an achievement).
You and Janine are meant to be togefer, Paul told Barry, without adding the at least until youve drawn up your will bit. Poor Barry fell for Pauls lies and before you could say Cremation or burial?, Barry and Janine were man and wife.
Janine didnt have long to stick out her marriage to Walfords version of Mr Blobby however as the very next day Barry was dead. Ive done some terrible fings for money but bein with you is the worst, Janine screamed at Barry before shoving him off a cliff top.
To be fair to Janine, it didnt seem like she actively intended to kill him, but kill him she did. And never one to look a gift horse/fat knacker in the mouth, she rushed back to the hotel and let Paul find his body.
Tell me you didnt have nofink to do wif it, Paul begged Janine, who was happily filling in funeral forms before Barrys body was cold. Of course not! she said, but you must admit, its very fortunate for us.
Paul, to give him some credit was horrified and promptly left Janine in Scotland and went to break the news to Natalie and Pat. But Janine, being the giant butterball that she is, just keeps bouncing back and the Black Widow hot-footed it back to Walford on the next train, ready to play the grieving widow.
Theres another shock in store for Pat and Natalie this week when its revealed that Barry died without a will which means, as his legal wife, Janines entitled to everything. And who says crime doesnt pay?’
Posted: 7th, January 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
