Anorak News | Two Weddings & A Funeral

Two Weddings & A Funeral

by | 7th, January 2004

‘ALFIE and Kat saw in 2004 as man and wife after their wedding finally went ahead despite the groom still being married and having a service conducted by David ‘Little Briton’ Williams.

Bride comes before a fall

Christmas morning saw Kat being shoehorned into a giant red sausage skin and Alfie running around The Square like was still doing the Daz doorstep challenge. Alfie’s divorce hadn’t come through and the registrar told him that he wasn’t prepared to risk prison and marry him.

So rather than face the wrath of Kat (and let’s face it, who could blame him?) he decided to allow one of Spencer’s mates to pretend to be the registrar. Just at the last minute, however, Alfie had an attack of conscience and confessed all to Kat, who took it surprisingly well.

“Oh, Alfie,” she simpered, “I do love ya, but yer keep messin’ it up.” Luckily for her – and the ratings – Alfie’s lawyer suddenly burst through the doors of the Vic, waving his divorce papers in his hand.

In Walford Winter Wonderland, both lawyers and registrars not only work on Christmas Day, they seem to be available free of charge as within minutes the wedding was back on and the Slaters were knocking back the free bar as only they know how.

There was less good news for others in The Square as news of Phil Mitchell’s escape spread. But in the end, Phil’s return was about as terrifying as a Channel 4 game of ‘live’ Russian Roulette.

After growling at Kate for a bit, he meekly handed over his gun and went skulking off into the night. His much anticipated fight with Den and Mini-Den consisted of breaking a couple of chairs in the E20 and name calling.

“You stole my wife,” snarled Phil to Dennis in a very playground manner. Well, his one was probably bigger than yours, Phil.

The real EastEnders Christmas wedding, however, didn’t actually take place in Walford but hundreds of miles away in Scotland.

Janine had fled to Scotland as part of a complicated plan to get Barry to marry her. Barry had panicked after the doctor told me he had an enlarged heart (that’ll be a fat heart then), and cancelled his engagement.

“I couldn’t bear the fort of you being a young widow,” he told a furious Janine. Which is ironic as that’s exactly what Janine ended up only a week later.

Janine pretended she was fleeing to Scotland to get over a broken heart when all along she was waiting for Paul to persuade Barry to follow her and make an honest woman out of her (which would be quite an achievement).

“You and Janine are meant to be togefer,” Paul told Barry, without adding the “at least until you’ve drawn up your will” bit. Poor Barry fell for Paul’s lies and before you could say “Cremation or burial?”, Barry and Janine were man and wife.

Janine didn’t have long to stick out her marriage to Walford’s version of Mr Blobby however as the very next day Barry was dead. “I’ve done some terrible fings for money but bein’ with you is the worst,” Janine screamed at Barry before shoving him off a cliff top.

To be fair to Janine, it didn’t seem like she actively intended to kill him, but kill him she did. And never one to look a gift horse/fat knacker in the mouth, she rushed back to the hotel and let Paul find his body.

“Tell me you didn’t have nofink to do wif it,” Paul begged Janine, who was happily filling in funeral forms before Barry’s body was cold. “Of course not!” she said, “but you must admit, it’s very fortunate for us.”

Paul, to give him some credit was horrified and promptly left Janine in Scotland and went to break the news to Natalie and Pat. But Janine, being the giant butterball that she is, just keeps bouncing back and the Black Widow hot-footed it back to Walford on the next train, ready to play the grieving widow.

There’s another shock in store for Pat and Natalie this week when it’s revealed that Barry died without a will which means, as his legal wife, Janine’s entitled to everything. And who says crime doesn’t pay?’

Posted: 7th, January 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink