Jesus Barmy

‘A NEW Year and there’s a new psycho in Weatherfield. After the much lamented demise of Tricky Dicky the Street hasn’t been the same, so it’s nice to see that Granny Brenda “the Baby Jesus made me do it” Fearns has nobly pulled on the black leatherette gloves.

Emily is never far from the scene of a crime

Brenda had been getting more and more demented as Christmas wore on. She and baby Bethany had practically moved into Weatherfield Cemetary, visiting son Neil’s grave every day. “When your mummy has a new baby, she won’t have time for you any more. You’d like to join your daddy in heaven, wouldn’t you?” the loon asked Bethany, while dangling her off a church roof.

Luckily for Bethany, Emily was on her trail. The Miss Marple of Weatherfield had quickly deduced that the first place Brenda would have taken Bethany was the church yard and set off in hot pursuit – well, once she’d put on her head scarf and buttoned up her duffle coat.

Emily managed to talk Brenda out of killing Bethany, “Thou shalt not kill!” she bellowed a la Charlton Heston in ‘The Ten Commandments’. A rather startled Brenda came to her senses and allowed Emily to lead them down the stairs of the church into the waiting arms of the Weatherfield constabulary.

“I never meant no harm,” she whined to Sarah Lou and Todd. “From now on, it’s just me and you,” Todd told Sarah, without adding, “until I run off with my gay lover.” For Todd is due to go the gay way shortly when he falls for a hospital nurse, leaving Sarah Lou alone and pregnant.

In the meantime, he’s doing his best to convince everyone – including himself – that he’s straight, even proposing marriage to Sarah Lou – because that worked so well for Elton John and Michael Barrymore, didn’t it?

Elsewhere on The Street, the path of true love isn’t running smoothly for Fizz and Kirk either. Fizz spent the Christmas night with Tyrone and although nothing happened, Fizz’s mum, Cilla, was quick to tell Kirk that it had. “You just can’t trust some women,” the ginger troll told him – somehow keeping a straight face.

Cilla was determined to get her own back on her daughter after Fizz had told Shelly the truth about her light-fingered mother and lost her a job at The Rovers. “No one makes a fool out of me and gets away with it,” Cilla hissed to Fizz. No, because she does a good enough job on her own.

Sunita and Cairan have also called it a day, but in slightly more dramatic a fashion, with Sunita running out of the registry office seconds before they were due to get married. Cairan hadn’t been the most willing of grooms in the run up to the wedding – he even managed to get himself arrested the night before the big day by punching Dev.

Unfortunately for him, Dev decided not to press charges; Cairan had no choice but to go through with it. “Oi’m the happiest man alive,” he told her in a completely unconvincing manner as they walked into the registry office. Sunita looked at Cairan and thankfully realised before it was too late that they were both making a terrible mistake.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t go through with it,” she sobbed before running off. Sunita has realised too late that she’s still in love with the fat shopkeeper. “I’m sorry,” growled Dev when she told him how she felt. “It’s too late for us, I’m with Maya now.”

Fear not though fans of happy endings, for Maya turns out to be a light fingered shoplifter and compulsive liar, so Sunita won’t have too long to wait for wedding number three – she might even go through with that one.

Steve and Karen’s upcoming wedding is also looking distinctly shaky. Tracy Luv chose Christmas Day to tell Steve that he was actually the father of her baby and not Roy Cropper. “We only did it the once!” spluttered Steve, showing as much knowledge of conception as Sarah Lou.

Tracy revealed to Cairan (of all people) that she was in love with Steve and was making it her mission to “get him”. Nothing’s going to stop me,” she vowed. And this from a woman who drugged someone to win a bet and slept with a pensioner she thought was a millionaire. Be afraid Steve, be very afraid.’

Posted: 9th, January 2004 | In: Strange But True Comment | TrackBack | Permalink