The Small Chill

‘FOR our readers in Scotland, we have this message: ‘Grrrrrr! Brass monkeys…cold snap…cup of hot soup…snowed in…treacherous driving conditions…wrong snow on the line…blah, blah, blah’

There were fewer people than normal on Brighton beach yesterday

For readers in the rest of the country, can we ask: ‘What is all this nonsense about the coldest weather since Hell last froze over?’

The thermostat in Anorak Towers is only ever triggered by 30 consecutive days of temperatures of -5C or below and as a result every winter we sadly lose a couple of members of staff to hypothermia.

But this year, in spite of dire warnings of arctic conditions sweeping the country, we are all just about clinging onto life.

(Paul in the corner does admittedly look like he’s going to go the way of so many others any minute, but we suspect that may have something to do with the five empty bottles of vodka lying under his desk.)

Even the Mail, which need no excuse to put the fear of God into its readers, has started to tone down its warnings of Armageddon On Ice.

Hell, Network Rail says the railways are all coping ‘despite the bad conditions’ – a sure sign that not a flake of snow has fallen over the country.

And what of Tesco with its 200,000 extra gallons of soup? Not a mention, although we can be pretty sure of getting a bumper ‘3-for-the-price-of-one’ deal next week.

‘The worst of the weather will stay over Scotland and North East England,’ says forecaster Nick Ricketts. ‘If you live there, it is not a good idea to go out.’

That’s nothing to do with the snow – it’s just not a good idea to go out.’

Posted: 28th, January 2004 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink