Body Lingo

‘IF anyone were in any doubt that Prince William and Kate Middleton are now an item, then we are happy to set them straight.

‘Is this dress see-through or something?’

Hello! has not one but two pictures of the couple on holiday together in Klosters and sharing what it calls ‘a T-bar chair lift’.

We showed these pictures to Anorak’s resident body language expert Professor Hans Trembel and this is his considered assessment.

‘It is quite clear from the way in which Kate is holding the orange pole that she is confident and sexually experienced, a real tiger in bed,’ he said.

‘William, on the other hand, is more reticent, content to let Kate take the lead.

‘From these photographs, I deduce that these two are very much into role-playing. I see Kate taking the part of a schoolteacher, with William as her naughty pupil.

‘I also observe that Kate wears earrings in both her ears, conclusive evidence that she is into body-piercing.

‘This would suggest that she has several other parts of her body pierced, including her tongue, nipples and possibly even her clitoris.

‘It would be surprising if she hadn’t also encouraged William to share her love of piercing and wear a Prince Albert, named of course after his ancestor.

‘What is interesting is that that Zara Phillips, William’s cousin, had her tongue pierced. Is William attracted to Kate because she reminds him of Zara?

‘If so, does his self-hatred at such (almost) incestuous cravings explain his obvious addiction to sado-masochistic sex play?

‘Is Kate’s role as leather-clad dominatrix at once both as a substitute for the mother who was so cruelly taken from him and an expression of his keenly felt sense of duty?’

With that Professor Tickel grabs the copy of Hello! from our desk and rushes out to the Gents where he noisily works on his theory for the next couple of hours…’

Posted: 7th, April 2004 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink